Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Thanks BenB

You can´t stop her from talking to OM and if you try that could push her right into his arms. Also, be careful about setting boundaries you can´t enforce. You´re just going to look weak in her eyes. Make sure you read everything in the boundaries thread. Write here before you make a decision to say or do anything and let the vets guide you. Especially now since you just found this forum.

I would not have a realtor come out unless you are looking to push this further down the path of divorce.

Your can't stop her from talking to the OM, you just don't engage her. If she wants to cry on your shoulder then you show her you aren't that guy for her anymore. She chose someone else so let her cry to him IMO.

Thanks for answers Ovr, AS, hoosjim and Ben
I thought a whole lot last night and as usual acting on feelings is wrong.
Fully realized I cant stop her. In fact I realized it would backfire immediately since I recently said "She is responsible for hers and I am responsible for me".


Trying to remember this all the time and usually do. Also try and wait a few days till I make a decision.



While I fully agree with your point we (me and W) have actually we have already talked about it a bit and my IC also said it was a good move. Earlier today I mentioned the realtor to her.

Having and IC and DB is sometimes conflicting. I try and find my way given all this valuable input.
With regards to D I am definitely considering it...

Update since last:
This morning W was frustrated. As you know she doesnt like that I am home when its her time to have the kids.
She knows she cant stop me but shows it and acts strangely.
This morning she even said " Can I just leave...?" I said sorry I have plans with my brother and D1 has ballet today.
"If your going to be living in the house full time you have to give me your full schedule. I get so tense and agitated when I dont know when your coming and if your coming home" I didnt respond to that specifically. Said I understand it is tough.

After mentioning the realtor W started talking a bit about the future. I said the valuation of the house will have a strong impact on my decision on what to do.
W said that if I buy her 50% share of the house she might pay me rent for the time she is in the house.
I didnt respond. If we go down that path I will want her to get her own place and NOT live here at all. She will get real angry when I tell her.
This road will be tricky and bumpy, for sure.

Keep working on me, Worked out twice today, spent time with brother and his girlfriend (unfortunately they know to much already though, so hard not to talk about W) tried new food, read a few hrs (I usually dont read at all!)

Another morning chat.
Discussing how to handle how she will be able to travel to meet som friends an upcoming weekend when she is supposed to have the kids.

Me- yeah that sounds like a solution but I have to think about what works best for me.
W- I don't understand you, now with your new ways.
Me- how do you mean?
W- Whatever it is your doing, trying to make a point. Living at home all the time.
Me- I'm trying to find a new life. Just like you are.
W-ok maybe I won't go then.
Me- of course you should go meet your friends.

Few minutes later. W Still very agitated.
W- I Don't want to come home the days I'm supposed to be here.
Feels like before, when I wanted to avoid it.

Why would you say "of course you should go meet your friends"? Is it not on a weekend she is supposed to have the kids? Now you are encouraging her to go?

You should have plans the weekend she is supposed to have the kids, if she wants to do something else that´s her problem to solve, not yours.

Don't even ask IMO.


You are explaining why you are living in your own house, to your wife who is cheating on you. This gets a big hell naw from me.

I might put it like this: "I live here. You want out, I wish you the best". Then walk away and go do something you want to do.


I'm torn between whether you should have validated this or simply rolled your eyes and walked away.

Journal
Thanks again for great answers!!
I have to shorten my sentences for sure! (without sounding arrogant or angry. Just precise)
Finding it hard lately to get enough time to read, read again, read other threads.

Last night I mentioned sales value of the house. She asked over Facebook.
She panicked since she for some reason thought I am selling the house.
W- "but we said we would keep the house for the kids sake. We haven't talked about selling (we actually did. Two months ago. But she is neglecting it. )"
My last answer--"I havn't decided how I want to move forward yet. But I am sure none of us think the current situation is great". Then I put my phone on airplane mode.

Today She's back home again. Her time with the kids.
I came home late because work, reading and working out.
She was talking to OM on phone again.
She ran into MBR (where both kids were sleeping) as soon as she saw me.
I know I can't stop her from talking. But how about saying, could you go out to the cabin when you talk on the phone/ talk to him?
Now I think she thinks I'm OK with it...
After she was trying to talk to me. I was packing and prepping for tomorrow.
Wanted to show me pictures and ask about stuff.
Not sure how to handle. Don't really want to talk to her actually.
Specially 2 minutes after she was on the phone with him.

I basically wanted to say: I don't want to talk to you right now.
Is that to harsh when she is trying to talk? Listening, validation etc

So if you say "Could you go out to the cabin when you talk on the phone with him" and she says no, what would be your response? What are your options?

Do you see how that puts you in a terrible position? All you are doing is showing how attached you are.

Same thing with saying I don´t want to talk to you right now. What do you expect to gain by saying that?

The goal here is to become a new, confident you for your own sake. You can bet she will try to talk to you and temp check you from time to time. Would a new and confident you say "I don´t want to talk to you right now"?

To me that sounds like someone who´s moping. Read Sandi´s rules again and again.

Her talking on phone to OM right in front of you is a huge sign of disrespect, man, just huge. She's basically saying: "Yeah, I'm sleeping with this guy... and I'm still living here... and I am going to go talk to him in the MBR. And now I want you to look at pictures with me." I mean, seriously... how does that make you feel? Do you think you deserve that kind of treatment? And how do you think your kids will interpret how you are responding to her and the situation? What kind of boundaries can you think of that might protect you from such treatment.

You need to value yourself and respect yourself. Until you do and until you respect the same from others, especially from her, you will not be 100% of the man that you can be.

At work so will be a bit short.

Havn't yet set a FINAL & DECIDED schedule
+ we talked about her travelling to her friends few weeks back and I said ok.
Maybe I should set up a schedule at home so she can see..? At least "block" my own outlook.
Anyone have tips on the practical side when it comes to kids. Will take some time to get used to the new routines.


Totally see, thank you SO MUCH for questioning and explaining. What I did was go in to bathroom and shave so I didnt have to listen.
Can you explain moping? Not sure I understand.



YES! Totally is and FEELS disrespectful.
DEFINITELY dont want to, or deserve this kind of treatment. Thing is I am pretty sure a lot of the times she doesnt realize how it might make me feel.Would like to enforce some kind of boundary but Ben has cleverly explain that this is hard. Luckily the kids dont see this interaction. We are most often not together when kids are awake.
Working on my emotional boundaries (which helps) but that doesnt really affect her.
Sometimes it feels like I shouldn't be talking to her at all. She is either demanding explanations or disrespecting me.
If I follow the typical boundary cheat sheet on this OM hpne thing I guess it would go:


*When you talk to OM while I am here I feel disrespected, and when you do it in MBR I will have to interrupt you when I need something from the closet. Also, you might wake the kids up.

*I want you to keep your business with him elsewhere. Go to the cabin if you want to talk to him. (Maybe scratch that last sentence.)

Enforcing would have to be putting the house up for sale... (I think she knows I am considering it)


Have been memorizing this. GREAT response! Thanks!
No off to gym while reading Sandis rules.