Boundaries are good but saying something about his drinking is like me saying something about my H’s OW. It’s not going to get you any where but boundaries with an addict are incredibly important.
Ha. That is a good way of thinking it. Yes, there is an OW in my sitch....her name is Alcohol! My H prioritize her over our family, apparently cannot live without her, he tried to go NC but ended up going back to her again and again. He wants a D because I stand in the way of H and her. I kept telling him to let her go throughout our M to no avail. Cannot take on any fatherly duties because she has him in the palm of her hand. Oh....how powerful and seductive this woman is, that many men become so entranced that they ultimately fall to their own demise.
Anyways. I wasn’t planning on talking him out of his alcoholism, just wanted to see if I could say something and get him thinking about his behavior. Maybe he will have a lightbulb moment and realize that “OMG! You’re right, I’m an alcoholic and I need help!”....ok. Now typing out sounds like extreme optimism on my part. If I could even find a window when I know he is sober, I might say something. I will sleep on it for now.....
Here’s a quote I heard few days ago that resonated with me:
“You can’t wake a person who is pretending to be asleep.”
Last week H brought up D again (4 times this month so far. I am no longer shocked.) and I listened. In the end he added “IF we go down that route...”
And then he wanted physical intimacy.
This was the first time I stuck to my boundary. I said, you just talked about divorce five seconds ago, now you want X? I love you, but I cannot do X right now because it’s going to mess with my head. (Not really, but I just didn’t want to give it up) And he pleaded and pleaded for X. He even said that it will make him “nicer,” and that he will feel more “generous.” I stood my ground and turned him down nicely. And I realized that he really does know me well, and he was trying to manipulate me. As I look back to our relationship I see a lot of that. Whether H did it intentionally or not, he used my fear to his advantage. There was a lot of walking on eggshells on my part.
Time really is my friend. Really trying to use it wisely to maneuver through this fog of life.
Here’s a quote I heard few days ago that resonated with me:
“You can’t wake a person who is pretending to be asleep.”
Last week H brought up D again (4 times this month so far. I am no longer shocked.) and I listened. In the end he added “IF we go down that route...”
And then he wanted physical intimacy.
This was the first time I stuck to my boundary. I said, you just talked about divorce five seconds ago, now you want X? I love you, but I cannot do X right now because it’s going to mess with my head. (Not really, but I just didn’t want to give it up) And he pleaded and pleaded for X. He even said that it will make him “nicer,” and that he will feel more “generous.” I stood my ground and turned him down nicely. And I realized that he really does know me well, and he was trying to manipulate me. As I look back to our relationship I see a lot of that. Whether H did it intentionally or not, he used my fear to his advantage. There was a lot of walking on eggshells on my part.
Time really is my friend. Really trying to use it wisely to maneuver through this fog of life.
Well played. Whether you want to admit it or not, giving in would have messed with your head.
To other struggling with a WAH wanting sex, look at Wooba's example here. Don't let them eat cake.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Well played. Whether you want to admit it or not, giving in would have messed with your head.
You are probably right. It wasn’t affecting me the way it was in the beginning (me having expectations again, feeling sorry for myself etc). but ultimately sex after BD probably is not wise considering it reinforces the facade of the love we once had. I had to experience it to see that.
We all have our blind spots, and sometimes we are aware of the feelings that we actively feel and can manage them. But sometimes things slip through and we are unaware of the collateral consequences of certain behaviors....and those also matter. A lot.
For some reason I went back to Adam Driver’s performance in Marriage Story again. I can’t help but tear up every time I watch this clip. Needed a good cry today just to let out the pain.
Somebody hold me too close Somebody hurt me too deep Somebody sit in my chair, And ruin my sleep And make me aware, Of being alive. Being alive.
Somebody need me too much Somebody know me too well Somebody pull me up short And put me through hell, And give me support, For being alive Make me alive Make me alive Make me confused Mock me with praise Let me feel used Vary my days But alone is alone Not alive
Somebody crowd me with love Somebody force me to care Somebody make me come through I’ll always be there As frightened as you To help us survive Being alive Being alive Being alive
Nothing new. I just feel slightly annoyed and impatient these days. Annoyed that he’s smiling at me, telling me that he loves me. Impatient that things are going nowhere, everything is still up in the air.
Last night he came home while I was reading to the kids. I handed the book to him and his immediate reaction was to look at his watch as if he’s on some time crunch to leave.
The other day he was talking on the phone with his friend, and I overheard him saying that he’s been an absent father....etc and he feels bad about what happened, but he does not feel guilty.
My first reaction was WHAT??? How does he not feel guilty about this whole thing??? Then I thought about why I was feeling that way. Why do I want him to feel guilty? Do I think he should feel guilty? I know he loves the kids and would do anything for them. I know he tried very hard to not be the distant father his own dad was. But he isn’t doing anything like that anymore. If it is his inability to do so, then I do not need him to feel guilty.
I try not to dwell on these things though. I understand it is pointless. Analyzing his words and actions.
I wanted to just straight out ask him wth he’s been up to. What he’s thinking. Who he’s hanging out with. But I refrained myself. My mind is always on overdrive, thinking about US and sometimes I just want to dump it all on him.
The other day he was talking on the phone with his friend, and I overheard him saying that he’s been an absent father....etc and he feels bad about what happened, but he does not feel guilty.
My first reaction was WHAT??? How does he not feel guilty about this whole thing??? Then I thought about why I was feeling that way. Why do I want him to feel guilty? Do I think he should feel guilty? I know he loves the kids and would do anything for them. I know he tried very hard to not be the distant father his own dad was. But he isn’t doing anything like that anymore. If it is his inability to do so, then I do not need him to feel guilty.
Yeah this is something LBS's often have to face. Their WAS can feel "bad" and even get very depressed and cry and such about the wreckage they've caused, but they still feel JUSTIFIED. They've created a narrative in their head to justify their actions. They've laid the blame on the LBS's doorstep. The LBS makes them unhappy, the LBS should have done more, the LBS drove them into the arms of another person, blah blah blah. This is why we preach detachment. Remove yourself from the equation. Be as "gone" as possible. Let him learn to miss you, and learn that YOU are not responsible for his demons, HE is. If and when he gets there, THEN the guilt will come. But it could be way down the road.
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I try not to dwell on these things though. I understand it is pointless. Analyzing his words and actions.
It's fine (and even healthy) to come here and vent about it as long as you keep that in mind
The other day he was talking on the phone with his friend, and I overheard him saying that he’s been an absent father....etc and he feels bad about what happened, but he does not feel guilty.
My first reaction was WHAT??? How does he not feel guilty about this whole thing??? Then I thought about why I was feeling that way. Why do I want him to feel guilty? Do I think he should feel guilty? I know he loves the kids and would do anything for them. I know he tried very hard to not be the distant father his own dad was. But he isn’t doing anything like that anymore. If it is his inability to do so, then I do not need him to feel guilty.
I try not to dwell on these things though. I understand it is pointless. Analyzing his words and actions.
Sorry you are dealing with all this, wooba. I sometimes wonder if my H is turning into a functioning alcoholic. He has gotten into trouble with the law concerning public intoxication in the past. Last week I found a large vodka bottle that was almost empty hidden in his closet and now, when I checked again this week, it is completely gone. He spends a lot of nights away and I am not sure if he is out drinking, but I suspect it.
I want my H to feel guilty for all the damage he is causing to our family too, but I do not sense that he does. What justification on earth could possibly lead a father to neglect his children and disregard their feelings? I just don't get it and probably never will. My H has no moral compass. Whatever emotional turmoil he is going through has seemingly wiped out his conscience totally. As much as I thought I loved H, it is extremely difficult to continue loving someone unconditionally who acts like a crazed addict and who hurts his family with no remorse.
Last edited by HesAble; 02/05/2006:12 PM.
H and Me - Both 45; S13 and D9 BD - 11/2019 Married 14 years; Together 20 years
