There was a poster who collected all the stories which ended up in R (I can't remember who though).
Originally Posted by AnotherStander
I've tried to keep a list but unfortunately I haven't been very diligent about it so the list is nowhere near complete. These are just sitches I've read, they don't include the recon stories outside of the forums that Michele hears about.
I have been working hard on this. And when I get discouraged and hopeless, instead of pursuing him and wanting reassurances like the sad sack I used to be, I go in the bathroom and pull myself together instead. I take a minute and breathe and cry if i need to. Sometimes I've done jumping jacks haha.
I also don't change in front of him. I change in the bathroom. It just helps me feel more empowered and more mysterious. He doesn't get that part of me right now. No cake and eating it too, buddy. He has told me he has noticed I am a different person in the past year. I have been working on my 180s. But before this site I was still pursuing and pressuring so he knew I was always an option. Needy and desperate fit me to the core.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
One of the most common and damaging emotions that we experience when we find ourselves in these situations, is FEAR. I’ll share some of the things that I feared and the consequences of those fears while I navigated through my sitch.
Perhaps you will find this to be helpful.
Below are things that I feared. -Pushing my W further away(The reality was that she was pushed far enough to BD me) -The Unknown -Embarrassment -Being Judged -Someone else raising my children -Financially Supporting my W to live her fantasy -Raising my children on my own without any support -financial struggle -Losing a large amount of my retirement -legal cost
The consequences of fear/Negative Effects of Fear -I was progressively incapacitated(paralyzed). -Poor decision making/appeasement (My biggest regret) -Lack of confidence -Worry/Anxiety -Health Issues -Regret/Guilt
All the above became more costly when something wasn’t done about it. Especially don’t appease. You will get steamrolled. The WAS will likely use the threat of legal action or divorce as a tool to keep you in fear and their appeasement. That is the biggest reason to seek legal advice. Once you know your rights, you have just armed yourself with important knowledge. I can assure you, it will alleviate some unnecessary anxiety.
It is like a bully dynamic. Until the person getting bullied takes a stand, it will continue, and your fear will allow you to be taken advantage of. Ultimately, it will slow down your growth and your healing.
So, head up, shoulders back. Start making the best of life. Don’t be afraid of making mistakes along your journey. Trying to be perfect is all too consuming. Besides, the most beautiful and rewarding parts are life, can be the result of overcoming some of the most challenging obstacles.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I know MC has mixed reviews on here but we spoke about this last night and she is keen to book this is asap, I don't know if is this a good thing or a bad thing.
Originally Posted by AnotherStander
It's definitely a bad thing. It is her way to escalate separation/ divorce using a 3rd party "professional" as a shield. Here is how it will play out:
C- so can anything be done to save this? You- YES I am willing to do anything! C- Great, what about you? W- No, I'm done, it's over and I want him to know and accept it. C- Aaaah, well it sounds like perhaps a trial separation would be a good idea so the two of you can think about things. W- YES YES YES how soon can we do this? When can he move out?
Look at the timeline in my signature. I've been here a while. I've seen ^^^this^^^ happen more times than I can count, including in my own sitch.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
So you want to force what you want on her? THAT NEEDS TO STOP RIGHT AWAY. How much do you love her? Enough to give her what she wants? Enough to let her go? Enough to put her needs ahead of yours? YOU want to save the M. SHE DOES NOT. You need to set your wants aside and start respecting hers. Why? Because if you don't fight her on this then she'll stop seeing you as the pressuring, manipulating, controlling bad guy that she desperately needs out of her life. And THAT is what it will take to possibly change her mind about you and about the M.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Went to order the DR book and realized I forgot my wallet at home, but it's in my cart!! I don't want to order it through amazon since we share an account and I don't want him to see
Originally Posted by Cest_Moi
My DB book is hidden under my bed and I am only accessing this from a laptop he doesn't have the password for and has never once used. I'm not even going to log onto this site with my phone. I ordered the book and then archived the order with amazon (Thank you Google!) I also created a filter on the junk email we use for amazon so that any emails with amazon in it will be redirected to my personal email
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
DBing I accept responsibility for what I did in the M, by being too critical and dismissive of my W's feelings. I understand that my W was looking for something she wasn't finding in the M. I sometimes understand why she left, since she was miserable, and sometimes think leaving was too strong a reaction for the situation. I tend to blame her flight reflex and unrealistic expectations for love and family life. My heart wants to R, but my head tells me that it's a pattern with her and that I better not expose myself to it again.
My stance at the moment is to let her live her life while I reflect and try to focus on me. In January, I told her I didn't want to interact beyond the practicalities of the kids because I need to move on. I'm good at being silent and distant so the "no pursuing" rule is easy to apply for me. After nine months and little contact, I can say that detachment is taking hold. I see a therapist since BD and I've also started dating in May (8 months after BD). _________________________________________________
SUCCESS STORIES I update this list every time I start a new thread. Please make suggestions, especially with links to threads. I wish we had room in our profile to tell our story so that the vets and other successes could give us a quick summary.
Piecing as of 2014-2015 (newly added)Kramer (M) (newly added)edz (M) Jefe (M) T0324 (W) H leaves in Febr 2014, filed for D, had OW, piecing fails in Aug 2014, piecing again in Mar 2015 Crimson (M) Heart14 (W) Signs 2014-02, DB 2014-07, Piecing since 2014-07 Nitty - BD in December 2013, piecing as of September 2014
Thank you for articulating the main point for LBHs whose WAW is in an Affair: stop being such a wet noodle and grab the bull by the horns from the get-go. It starts with dropping the rabid FEAR in you. Your WAW is a paper tigeress.
In summary, the action list should be something like this upon arriving at the DB forum in short order:
1-Keep DB to yourself and hide the DR book. You don't give away the playbook to the opponent. ERASE all browsing history on your computer. 2-LOSE YOUR FEAR of WAW. Reclaim your balls back from her purse. 3-Pull out the "not willing to live in an open M/no-OM boundary" script. 4-Stop sharing the same MBR with your WAW. You are not willing to share her with another man. Tell WAW that "you have decided that you prefer she sleep in another room." 5-Sex? Forget it. It all stops right now. Same as above. 6-DO NOT have convos with WAW about the OM. You are not her gay boyfriend. You are her H. Do not acknowledge or speak about the OM at all. 7- Move all of your FINANCIAL assets into a new banking account with just your name on it (no more joint $$ with WAW) and cancel joint credit cards. Be sure to inform bank officers that your WAW is not to get a loan or open a card with your name ...they must call you first to alert of this. 8-Cut off all joint cell phone plans (you are not financing W's affair by paying for her smartphone to continue conducting her A on the family's money) 9-Only pay expenses related to children (if you have any) and other praticalities 10-Consult with a Lawyer to know your rights. Go in for an informational meeting with 3 to 4 attorneys. Keep it to yourself. Knowledge is power. 11-Cancel all MC sessions. It is ineffective as long as your WAW is in an A and just going there for appearance's sake to claim that "they tried." Pshaw! 12-Don't drive or pick her up from the airport. She can figure this out herself. 12-Make your own GAL plans. Don't drop them if WAW cries to you that she needs you to "babysit" the kids or threatens you. 13-Stop going into an overdrive cleaning the house or doing the laundry. Makes you look like the gay housekeeper from La Cage aux Folles movie.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
There was a poster who collected all the stories which ended up in R (I can't remember who though).
Originally Posted by AnotherStander
I've tried to keep a list but unfortunately I haven't been very diligent about it so the list is nowhere near complete. These are just sitches I've read, they don't include the recon stories outside of the forums that Michele hears about.
That is a tough question to answer without specifics.
Has your W checked out already?
What kind of a timeframe are you talking about?
If your W has checked out you have about a 5% chance of turning it around in less then 2 years. Maybe as high as 20% if you DB almost flawlessly.
From 2-5 years you probably have a 50% chance to get another shot if you do the work and make the changes. Most likely by then you won't be interested.
