I have no clue if we're on the mend or not after our reconciliation chat.
She is kinder, respectful and has shown interest in doing things as a family. She also says when were alone, without the kids around that we have nothing to talk about. Not true however other than talking about the relationship and kids, she's right. There is little I want to talk to her about.
I met up with a older friend this weekend who talked about their parents marriage and how horrible the H was yet they never divorced and made it work. It made me so angry. I did very little wrong. In fact, W states that she wasnt my focus, and that I did things for me and not her. Per DB rules and the alpha stuff I've read, thats how I should've acted so I dont get it. What was I supposed to do and what am I supposed to do?
We legit talked about living together for the next few years but no real talk about our relationship. Why live like that? Whats so hard about working through your own feelings, seeing that your H loved you with all his heart this whole time and restoring a family? Just because I wasnt perfect, made mistakes and didnt meet all expectations, this is the life she wants? How is 5 months time not enough space?
No one in my family deserves this. I gave emotional connection all these years, I tried to give physical affection yet at times, TV was too important to stop for a kiss. I gave love, not just thinking about what I would get back. I feel like minus my anxiety, I was a good and normal husband, I loved myself, my wife and my family. I'm tired of this limbo.
H37, W37 D4, S2 ILYBNILWY 9/19 BD 9/19 EA discovered 10/19 Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
The only thing that shows you are on the mend is time. Consistent behavior over a long period of time. Just like anything else, when it come to R, words are empty without action.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Well LH, I think you spotted the cause. After some reading, the anxious and avoidant combination looks like my M. I hope thats not the case. Going to talk to my IC. Really though we fit it pretty much to the T.
So if its true, neither spouse is ever really happy. If its true, Im likely to find another avoidant and her another anxious, leading to more divorces and turmoil for the kids. F. Even if we work this out and I can deal with what she did, its likely to recurr unless she seeks help which looks doubtful. F.
I think for myself and my family, I need to ask for the divorce. F. This is so sad.
H37, W37 D4, S2 ILYBNILWY 9/19 BD 9/19 EA discovered 10/19 Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
When you stop analyzing every little thing and start living with the reality of your situation, this tide will begin to turn. I know this is tough, I've been there.
I see that you are still basing your state of mind off of hers, your happiness off of hers, still believing every word she speaks. Why is that?
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
OR......... you can do the work to not be anxious and become confident and secure and then eventually way down the line you can make the decision on whether you want to continue a marriage with an avoidant. My guess is that if you become that man she may be willing to make changes too.
She also says when were alone, without the kids around that we have nothing to talk about. Not true however other than talking about the relationship and kids, she's right. There is little I want to talk to her about.
This is not uncommon, especially in a badly damaged relationship where intimacy has been lost.
Intimacy does not return overnight, or by itself. It takes commitment, and work, and intentionality.
But none of that can happen, of course, unless and until a) both parties are committed to the MR (which by definition CANNOT happen if either party is in an affair-- either emotional of physical) and b) both parties have at least begun to and, hopefully, made some real progress on addressing their individual issues (in your case 180s and GALs). I would add that it is unlikely that your W will be ready to "commit" to the MR before respect has been restored, you become more attractive to her, and she starts to "miss" you or worry about living life without you.
At any rate, once the initial hurdles are cleared, intimacy CAN be restored via effective MC. The intimacy in my MR was as dead as they come. I mean dead, dead. Not just no sex, but no friendship... nothing. But with the help of an absolutely outstanding MC (and, I am convinced, some divine intervention), we made a comeback.
It's possible. But it takes patience. And work.
H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18
"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7
"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
Quick tip: You can link to user's posts by clicking on their name and then on the following page click on the number next to "total posts."
My sitch was lengthy and not always easy to follow. I came briefly to this forum near the start but didn't go to the proper page (newcomers), quickly gave up, and didn't come back for several weeks. I tried to make it easier for folks by summarizing at the beginning of each new thread, but these ended up getting pretty lengthy. There were/are 16 or 17 threads in all.
And this the beginning, if you are so inclined. It is kind of interesting to see the change in demeanor from then to now. Alot of important stuff happened during that several week gap, though, that doesn't show up in real time:
Thanks for the support Ovr, LH and HJ. It's unfathomably difficult to stay positive in this. Seeing the feedback helped today. Hard to become more secure while facing my sitch everyday.
Reading more on attachments, it appears my W is Disorganized. Makes sense with what she's been through and has said to me. If I'm not secure myself, she has little chance to heal. Our relationship is not healthy. I wonder the impact on the kids.
This make DBing harder...if she is disorganised, it seems me being home and stable could help her along with showing signs of caring. I wonder if DB techniques work for this type.
I'm getting hit with feeling alone this week. All my friends, coworkers all talk to their wives, are taking vacations and mine has forgotten she has a wedding ring and a husband who does more than bring in money. All these couples happily exercising at the gym and my W is home ignoring that there is a problem.
I guess just journaling here. I should be hopeful as we are talking more, doing things together, right? I still cant tell if its a reconcile or a false start. Making a 5 year plan together, maybe shes saying shes ready while avoiding the conflict as a disorganized would.
H37, W37 D4, S2 ILYBNILWY 9/19 BD 9/19 EA discovered 10/19 Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
