Sorry you are struggling but it sounds like you’re your own worst enemy. If you don’t have infinite patience you mine as well file for D now.
I used my kids for strength when I didn’t think I could go on anymore.
My guess is you’re a control freak and your W has all the control right now. She is not going to relinquish this power that is most likely new to her anytime soon. The person who cares about the relationship the least is in charge and that’s clearly her right now.
As you get stronger they may change. Right now you are acting on fear and you are looking for reassurance and she can’t give it you now because she has no respect for you. Unfortunately the more needy you are the more she is repulsed by your actions.
Insightful! I just took at training at work which confirmed Im controlling. IC is helping with that and my anxiety however you're right, I'm a control freak. She has the power right now to destroy my life and I hate it being held over me.
How to change this dynamic, I dont know. I guess thats why I'm here. Im GALing like crazy, validating, and reading self help things non stop. Being mysterious. It seemed the dynamic changed for a day or two, I guess I need to be ready again for either outcome here.
H37, W37 D4, S2 ILYBNILWY 9/19 BD 9/19 EA discovered 10/19 Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
You change the dynamic by detaching, giving her time and space to figure her $hit out. You have to be genuinely ok with either outcome. If she stays great! If she Ds me that’s ok too. Either way you have a great life. Easier said then done but you have to take the focus off your w and when you do she will notice. Then maybe she changes her mind.
All easier said then done but nothing worth having is easy.
Truth. What I'm afraid of, is a 2x4 I need to keep getting hit with. Many, many things.
Originally Posted by LH19
If she stays great! If she Ds me that’s ok too. Either way you have a great life. Easier said then done but you have to take the focus off your w and when you do she will notice. Then maybe she changes her mind.
All easier said then done but nothing worth having is easy.
Going to tell myself this ^^ daily.
I see a decent life for me either way. One path will have more regrets though and I'd miss a lot of what I care about most, her and the kids. The thing I wanted most in life was a loving family. The person who I committed to do that with dangles it in front of me (as she probably felt I did), and my challenge here is to be able to walk away from what I want most.
H37, W37 D4, S2 ILYBNILWY 9/19 BD 9/19 EA discovered 10/19 Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
I have been in your shoes my friend and most of the things you fear do not come true.
Maybe take some time to write down a list of things you’re afraid of and we can go through them and see if it’s just your monkey mind trying to protect you.
LH, thank you. It would probably take all night to get through them all! For you and anyone listening, this is where my mind is.
These bug me the most: Lost time with kids if we D Impact on the kids from losing their home, family structure, and school district Help- I've very little help with the kids outside of Ws family and friends Diet- kids and I would eat way worse if we D Loneliness - ive had very few serious relationships before W. I havent been successful with women. When I finally was successful, I reverted on what made me strong and attractive. Dont want to lose that again. Retirement- i started 401k late. Likely to not retire until after 72-75 if we D. Kids-who knows what type of man would raise them Dying alone Finding a woman who is crazy, diseased or harmful to the kids if I d. Finding someone I love and going through this again at the 5-10 year itch Finding someone, then have W want to reconcile Going months on end with no physical contact Living with parents or in a small apartment with no ownership
As Captain America says, I could go all day.
H37, W37 D4, S2 ILYBNILWY 9/19 BD 9/19 EA discovered 10/19 Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
Diet: kids and you would eat like crap? Hey look, it’s somewhere you have control! Learn how to prepare healthy meals!!!
Kids: who knows what type of man would raise them? Ummmm, you are the man who would raise them either way
Finding a woman who isn’t diseased or crazy? Well, you can certainly minimize chances of that one.
Loneliness: aren’t you lonely now? Your wife is cheating on you. That’s lonely.
You shouldn’t be finding someone if you would want to get back with your wife if she wants to reconcile. How about you get to the place where she doesn’t get to make that decision?
You need to get yourself a whole lot stronger and independent before you even try to make this work again, quite honestly. Be yourself own man. Secure. Happy. Else she’s just going to go onto OM number 3 if you let your fears control you
I was just reading that list you posted and I want you to know that you can change/control all of that! Also I’ve noticed that you place a lot of focus on your W. You need to learn to stop worrying about her and put that focus inward.
I knows it’s way easier said then done. It took me months, battling my thoughts and anxiety wondering about W. Then one day it just clicked. I realized that I can only control my actions and that despite how you feel, your W will make her own choices regardless. Once you can learn to accept this lack of control, things will get a lot easier for you.
I’ve found the beauty of detachment is that I rarely feel sad or worried anymore. I’ve accepted that somethings are out of my control and I’ll tell you it is freeing to finally let go.
It will take time but fake it till you make it. When I found myself wondering what W was up to, if she was manipulating or lying to me, I would just repeat in my head “you can only control yourself and your actions.” Eventually you just have to let go.
Continue to 180 and always have a PMA, but realize that your focus at this time should be on yourself and your children! Good luck buddy.
