I agree with IH, you're staying on the right track. Stick with NC unless it's about the kids. She's not repentant yet, she's just throwing lures at you to try and hook you. If she does she'll never reel you in, she'll be content to leave you dangling on the line. She's got to think she may really lose you and she's not there yet. You are right, she continues to be disrespectful and defiant.
I agree about her wanting to keep me on the hook. If I don’t respond to text and stay gone she checks the phone bill to see who I have been calling and what I am up too. Why would she even care? Her plans are to make a decision in January. She wants to attend at least 2 counseling sessions. All of this is to benefit her and what ever her plans are in the future or what she thinks her plans are in the future.
I believe if I give in to that then she would just be going about her business trying to control and manipulate this situation. I will not let that happen because I see right through it. She is going through this journey and I am stepping aside to let her.
I believe the OM will be leaving and taking another job after the first of the year. She is probably thinking she will make a decision then because they could possibly be together then. If this is so she will have to make the decision knowing that I have stood up for what is right and I have become stronger by not begging and pleading or being around her.
What ever may happen in the future, I know that I will be ok. I’ve been reading and working on my own shortcomings. I have a lot of work to do as someone else stated. I have some issues from my past that have caused me to be a beta male and has made me unattractive.
I am slowly gaining my confidence back. I think the key is to continue to be patient and follow the DB methods. I realize I have been caught in a cycle and I can’t continue to be stuck in that same loop. At the end of the day happiness comes from within and not someone else or something else. When we are passionate and living with purpose we show off our Alpha male tendencies and we become attractive and confident.
Last night I stopped by her parents house to drop off a crock pot I borrowed. I tried to make it quick but her father cornered me and wanted to talk R. She has been going to their home more often and staying for long periods of time. I think this may be somewhat of a good sign. Her father has called her BS from day one. They are somewhat estranged and do not speak. He has shown tough love by telling her she could not live there and have a relationship with the OM. This is why she has been avoiding going over to there home as much as she did in the past.
Her dad claims she is telling them that she doesn't want the OM. I told him that there may be some truth in that but she hasn't came right out and said she wants to save the marriage. I have gone dark and she is fine with that and almost pulls away for a little while. Of course her dad is upset at this and thinks I should be cordial and happy when around her. I feel bad for her family because this has devastated them and has hurt her relationship with her father. He feels like it would be a shame if I don't attend Christmas at there house so I probably will for my kids sake.
Her parents want our marriage to be saved so badly that it does me no good to be around them. They continually try ti give me advice and her dad feels like she is such a loyal person that it will never be in her nature to file for divorce or dissolve of this relationship. The other aspect of this is they try to say she was in this same situation 18 years ago and that she sacrificed and toughed it out for me. (Speaking of my infidelity when I was 23 years old.) I do agree with them on this but my situation wasn't nearly this involved and I wasn't out right disrespectful to her. I haven't called or seen them in a while. Probably should have let her take it back to them.
Just felt like explaining my day yesterday. I have continued to have as little contact unless it is about the kids. The other issues we have discussed is our son moving into an apartment in college. We've also discussed some money issues and debt that we have.
My in laws are a lot like yours. If she was so loyal, y'all wouldn't be having that conversation about his daughter.
My in laws also loved to bring up my misdeeds constantly. I stopped going around them.
It's makes it very hard because I come from a broken home so we have spent every holiday and most Sundays eating with her family. They have become my family but I have got to accept the fact that they may no longer be my family. Been with them since my junior year in high school. They came to my basketball games and her dad has always been there for me. Such a shame but things change and life goes forward.
My wife really resents me due to thinking he has taken my side. I think one day she will respect that he is on the side of what is right. He has even told her that he would respect it if she would make a decision instead of continuing to be dishonest to me. He mentioned last night that this has been a strain on him and his wife. I will try to keep my distance as she needs their emotional support know matter what happens between us.
If hear ya. I fought the board tooth and nail about keeping my relationship with the in laws. Let them be her family first and don't give your W any ammo or reason to resent you.
If you are going dark and detaching from your W it only makes sense to let her parents go too.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
I am going to go against the advice of the rest of the board here and say there is no reason you "have to let them go" if you view them as family. I also come from an extremely broken and dysfunctional "family". W's family has said they will always view me as family - and they meant it.
IMO - I think it's a bit ridiculous to drop everyone because of something your W is doing and not you.
However, if you choose to keep them in your orbit, understand that your relationship with them will and must evolve. It will be less involved, and you will have to pull back quite a bit. I agree with ovrrnbw here - let W have her family first. They are her support during this.
No more R talks with them about you and W. Find a neutral sounding response with regards to how you communicate with them. "Yeah it's tough, but if it's ok I would rather not talk about this right now" is something I say now.
However, if you choose to keep them in your orbit, understand that your relationship with them will and must evolve. It will be less involved, and you will have to pull back quite a bit. I agree with ovrrnbw here - let W have her family first. They are her support during this.
No more R talks with them about you and W. Find a neutral sounding response with regards to how you communicate with them. "Yeah it's tough, but if it's ok I would rather not talk about this right now" is something I say now.
I agree. I need to cut them off when they discuss it with me. Her father has said I would always be welcome at their home. She has asked for me not to be out there at family outings but her father told me to come anyways. Probably wasn’t a good idea at the time. Still trying to decide about Christmas. I still think she is involved to some degree.
I was out of town today and my brother said he saw my W on the side of town where his new home is located. He said she was driving and assumes she is riding that way to pass by him or hope to see him. She can’t be dumb enough to go to his home because he lives in a sub-division full of people and across the road from my grandmothers house. Yes, across the road from my grandmothers house. They are now neighbors. Lol
Well my oldest son (18) has a family gps app and he came to me showing me my W’s location on Saturday. She parked and the OM picked her up and they went back to his new place. She stayed there for an hour. I couldn’t help myself with confronting her.
Thinking about possibly filing for D after Christmas. I refuse to continue to live my life like this. Eventually I’ve got to stand on my own for me to heal and get back some sense of self-worth. I asked her to move out but she continues to say she has nowhere to go.
She has two places to go. The OM or parents. NOT YOUR PROBLEM! Actions have consequences. Also. Keep this is mind. When a Wife leaves a husband for misdeeds. They are supported by their social circles with their narrative and j6stufication for leaving. Her social circle and reputation is paramount to the M in some cases. If a Husband leaves first for a Wife's misdeeds. Or if A H kicks out A W for their misdeeds. A lot of people will ask why? This will set the tone and the precedence if and when they do hit rock bottom. Its indirect pressure without you applying it, but its also tough love, and emotional and familual protection on your part. I'm not saying strike first or D... But the more you time you let this linger, the more respect she will lose for you, and you for yourself. If W is tied to the house deed. Legally speaking you can't kick her out. But you can ask her to leave. Start by boxing all her stuff up for her, and get it our of the MBR and see how the response goes.
