Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers It's over. How do I live without him?

What are the negative thoughts? My suggestion break them down and you will see how silly they are.

take for example if you feel like this "I will always be alone while he has OM"

First, it's not true. You have your kids, and your co-workers. you have the ability to make friends. Even though you aren't ready, you yourself said that you were a catch for any man. When/if you kids have kids (I know, you don't want to think about it) you will be a part of that as well. You will never be alone unless you get deserted on a island.

And that "thing" he has with his OM is probably far from perfect. It was started on deceit and it could fizzle out.

Mario is right. The chance of his new R having long-term success is closer to 0% than 1%.

She talks about wanting to be a model but she doesn't exude confidence. She looks the part of a popular cheerleader but she's not popular. Those girls are mean to her but she wants to be included. She's in this weird place where normal girls are threatened by her but she's a 5th wheel with the popular girls. I worry about her because she's going down my path of getting attention from boys.

Need to get some work done but I'm going to have to think on her positive qualities because you're right for I've done nothing but focus on her negatives.

He's the type to marry the first attractive girl who gives him attention so that upsets me. I think she gets my life and he will be happier with her. Of course I'm being ridiculous because he still won't be happy. Happiness cannot be found in other people. Even I get that now even though I don't like it. Learning to make myself happy isn't easy or fun. I'd much rather think he or OM could make me all better.

The truth will set you free but first it will piss you off. lol

It is so, so, and laudable that you want to make up for the neglect that your children previously suffered. Children do need to know that their parents love them. however, I disagree with your thesis as to why they necessarily need individual is opposed to group attention. Your goal should be to create good, happy, memories with them, and you can do that just as easily with them as a group, and, as a bonus, you're giving attention to multiple children at the same time. When you group them together, you by definition have more time with all of them. Also, by doing things as a group, you avoid the trap of either you, OR any of them, worrying that someone got more attention or love than the other one. If no one gets left out, then no one gets left out. Attention is attention. While yes, at times it is nice to get one on one with the children, it is important to remember that you are a FAMILY and NOT merely a conglomeration of one-on-one relationships. Family that plays together stays together. Ask yourself if it is the actual primary "need" in this case that your children receive individual attention, or is it your guilt and shame and low self-esteem talking?

Convene a family night, got them together, do something fun. And don't take no for an answer, even from S19. If he is being difficult, you need to take the lead as his parent and facilitate he and your daughter figuring things out. Requiring them both to come to a fun family night might be a good start. Make some topics off-limits at the beginning, if you have to, but get them together and be the PARENT. They're your children, and they look up to you, even though they are growing up. Set the tone, especially if your husband is doing a crappy job of it.

And take gingers advice and get some professional help, for you and for your family. it [censored] that mental health services are so poorly covered by health plans, trust me, I know, but You really can't afford not to. And ultimately, hopefully you can stick your husband with some (or all) of the bill

I'm letting push me around due to guilt. I see it I don't know how to stop it. I'm so codependent I'm afraid of losing them, of being alone, I feel tremendous guilt and shame over what I've done, I'm afraid if I say no then WAH will use this against me to take them from me.



This week D14 wants to come over for dinner and I'm dreading it because of D17 and S19. They are used to getting their way (last 8 months) and I'm afraid of the backlash. I am becoming aware of this.

WAH can't be alone either so he tries to buy the kids love. I think he tries to have an actual R with them but without the space to figure this out his focus is more self serving. I do not live in a glass house. My kids tell me early on they knew I was faking it. That it was all about me not them. They say over time it evolved into something real. Lots of work to do yes but I am making progress.



Going to ask a question to the group about this.

**I'll get back to the kids in a minute**

I have a question about money. Cutting everything off I have $200 left at the end of the month and I make too much money for food stamps.

I've saved up $7,500 in cash for legal fees plus paid a 2k retainer. The only thing we have to settle is alimony but I'm expecting an ugly divorce. I have filed for D and should get a support hearing in Jan/Feb. I will get at least $500 more a month.

You want me to spend money on counseling but the only way for me to do that is to touch savings. Take the risk or do what I want to do which is ride this out for another 2 months.

I could get $3,000 a month. Where I live there is no formula it’s up to the judges discretion. The $500 is the absolute minimum I think I’ll get.

From all the learning, I did, this phrase stands out:

"Love the person, hate the behavior"

With my children, I validated the way they felt.

Child"I hate you dad!!!"
ME:"I know (Pause) I still love you. Let's continue this discussion after you have had a chance to calmed down. "



Validation, boundaries, rewarding responsible behavior. Restricting irresponsible behavior. Parenting is not easy.

There is still friction between my kids (S19 and D17), but I have not hear the "I hate my sister" words for several years.

Look up "the 5 whys". It will help you get to the root of the deeper issue with your relationship with your child.

"The people are not the issue, it is the way they are interacting" Change the way you interact to fix the relationship.

I'm concerned with the advice being given here without any professional guidance. Kas. I wonder if there a way/place/etc that could help sort this out from a social worker or other family services. I don't know if you might have any connections with your job.