Jimmy, likely this all got you excited and you were a little over enthused. This was a lot after such a long time. Dinner night, bike ride, then another dinner night and beach plans.
Do you know what that broadcast to her?
AVAILABLE AVAILABLE AVAILABLE
After the first dinner night, when she brings up bike riding your answer should have been "Sorry I am busy, let's take a rain check on that for now."
When my sister divorced her 1st husband (very justifiable D, he was a deadbeat (and a deadbeat with child support afterward), he was guilty of some light physical abuse (slapping her a couple of times), my sister started to move on with her now husband. But right before the D was finalized, my sister started questioning things. She reached out to my deadbeat ex-BIL and met up with him. He was very eager to meet with her. He thought, "yep I still have her attached" because before they got married he and her broke-up and got back together several times, usually because of the same issues that caused their marriage to splinter. Anyway, my sister needed that one last assurance that she was doing the right thing. She could even say afterward "well, before the D was final we gave it one last go".
Likely this is what was occurring with your STBXW. You didn't "ruin" it, because there was nothing to ruin. It was simply a woman about to make a huge life changing step (no one, and I mean no one WANTS to be divorced), and giving that "one last hail mary".
The problem isn't with her. It was with you. Being too available to her immediately. And attaching expectations after 2 dinner nights and a bike ride. Then you start texting her like crazy:
"What's wrong?" "What happened?" "Why can't be get back together?"
That screams NEEDY, NO LIFE, AND "PLEASE GIVE ME ANOTHER CHANCE!".
IE, unattractive.
Jimmy, we have a saying around here....never stop DBing. What that means is that whether she comes back, whether she doesn't, whether you start dating a new person, whether you decide to swear off women for good, you DB! GAL, 180s, detachment (look up self-differentiation). Otherwise, you are doomed to repeat the same mistakes of the past.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I have merged your two threads together. Please stick to one thread until you have reached 100 postings/replies.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
If she's walked before and wants to walk again, chances are these are her issues that she doesn't want to address that you may or may not be exacerbating, and she doesn't believe in her heart that she can navigate back to "happy" with you.
As you probably know, the only way she's going to overcome that deeply held belief is for you to open the cage door and completely cut her free. If you engage in a relationship with her again it should only be under the conditions that:
1) She sees you as someone of extremely high value 2) She views a relationship with you as something much better than a life with someone else or a life alone 3) She's willing to work to win you
Without those three things, she's going to walk again down the line, because she really doesn't have the motivation to work with you to change anything, your relationship will keep seeking the same equilibrium it has had because of how your personalities and issues come together.
Thx for the link up. To refer back to December, I did start to date for me and just get out there and meet new people. I did nothing to lead or or let her know I was going out on dates. I kept it very much on the down low until a trusted friends wife decided to let her know.
I was kind of burnt out and tired of the energy I needed to put into putting myself out there and dialed it back with spring and summer approaching thinking I could meet someone close to my area with outdoor activities.
Thats my scoop
Together 10 Married 8 Bomb drop 2/19 Separated since 6/18 Papers started 9/19 Two kids 5 and 7, boys
im in the house, she is local and at her parents, boys split time
I got my new copy of The DR (lost my first one) in the mail and it was a very good reprieve to start reading it again on a day were she just started to push buttons for quickening legal proceedings. She wants to skip steps and zoom meet to hash out assets and have the attnys listen in but I don't want anyone to get the short end of the stick with what legally deserved. But now that I won't agree I'm the nasty one and causing us to waste money out of spite.
3 weeks ago she was reminiscing about out trips and good times and telling me she is looking forward to making new ones and now she is back to being nasty and pushing on toward divorce.
ugg NewJimmy
Together 10 Married 8 Bomb drop 2/19 Separated since 6/18 Papers started 9/19 Two kids 5 and 7, boys
im in the house, she is local and at her parents, boys split time
NewJimmy this is what I would say: "I am morally opposed to D and therefore will not participate in discussions that lead to D. If you want to D me I cannot stop you but would prefer all negotiations go through our respective attorneys."
When WASs want to fast track D, they will always try to manipulate you to just get with the program and will accuse you of all sorts of things from purposely being spiteful to actively trying to thwart the D. We hear WASs that want to fast track D say things like: "Let's be amicable." "If we hire lawyers then it will be too expensive." "Here are my terms, please agree to them so we can finish this quickly and cheaply." etc.
Any push back on any of this will be met with hostility, anger, and name-calling.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
That is exactly what was said. It became the blame show and it was all about me, not thinking about the boys and I was being spiteful and wasting money. This whole process is a waste of money and time that could be spent on repairing and working on our marriage. Ugg. I told her that I was following the recommendations from my atty and reminded her that she had used those same words a bit ago. I also said I did not want to nit pick thru stuff and make sure no one got the short end of the stick so the boys would be equally well cared for.
Its aggravating because she has been sent letters to start alternating weekends bc of COVID and the ending of school for them and me so I could get more time with them and will not agree so right now I get the short end of the stick as far as time with them. Talk about being spiteful. she gets them 4 days a week and me 3.
If it happens (her reaching out) I again I will react much more slowly, I'm not reaching out and the only contact is brief (if any) when dropping the boys off
NJ
Together 10 Married 8 Bomb drop 2/19 Separated since 6/18 Papers started 9/19 Two kids 5 and 7, boys
im in the house, she is local and at her parents, boys split time
What are the thoughts on requesting stuff like "more time" or "time to be more equal" when working thru paperwork with WAS STBXW and attny's? Do it bc it is what I want and is fair or is it poking the tiger?
thx
Together 10 Married 8 Bomb drop 2/19 Separated since 6/18 Papers started 9/19 Two kids 5 and 7, boys
im in the house, she is local and at her parents, boys split time
What are the thoughts on requesting stuff like "more time" or "time to be more equal" when working thru paperwork with WAS STBXW and attny's? Do it bc it is what I want and is fair or is it poking the tiger?
thx
I would demand 50/50 custody. Who cares how she views that. 50/50 is fair (to LH's point), and it is meeting your need of more time with the boys. Nice guy syndrome would say to put your need aside in the effort of being nice. Forget that, you have needs too.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
