Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Is there hope?

Read it again. All the PUA stuff is invaluable during this process.

Read this post for more ideas:
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2061094#Post2061094

^^^EXACTLY^^^



A lot of LBS's say that, but they're really not willing to do "anything". Because the one thing they really need to do is let go, detach and drop the rope. Almost none are willing to for months and months, so they keep pursuing and hanging on and calling it something else. In one breath it's "I've detached and it feels good!" and in the next "my W did XYZ and I'm so upset, what do I do?" and in the next "should I buy her presents and ask her out on dates?" Not detached.

She will not even think about coming back as long as she knows you are Plan B. It is a paradox. These lines from the movie Swingers help explain it:

MIKE
And what if I don't want to give up on her?

ROB
You don't call.

MIKE
But you said I shouldn't call if I wanted to give up on her.

ROB
Right.

MIKE
So I don't call either way.

ROB
Right.

MIKE
So what's the difference?

ROB
The only difference between giving up and not giving up is if you take her back when she wants to come back. See, you can't do anything to make her want to come back. You can only do things to make her not want to come back.

MIKE
So the only difference is if I forget about her or pretend to forget about her.

ROB
Right.

MIKE
Well that su***.

ROB
It su***.

MIKE
So it's almost a retroactive decision. So I could, like, let's say, forget about her and when she comes back make like I just pretended to forget about her.

ROB
Right...or more likely the opposite.

MIKE
Right... Wait, what do you mean?

ROB
I mean first you'll pretend not to care, not call - whatever, and then, eventually, you really won't care.

MIKE
Unless she comes back first.

ROB
Ah, see, that's the thing. Somehow they don't come back until you really don't care anymore.

MIKE
There's the rub.

ROB
There's the rub.

No more splitting the room. You sleep there every night.

Read ALL these threads for insight:
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=userposts&view=started&id=41275


W:"What are you doing in here bla bla bla bla we had an agreement bla bla bla"
H:"I decided it is best if I sleep in MB from now on. You are free to sleep wherever you like"
W"Bla bla bla bla"
H:I am sorry you feel that way"
W"Bla bla bla bla"
H"you sound angry. Is that how you feel?"

It takes a lot of time to read these sitches and see what really went down, but you're story is quite similar to the others.

For example: A depressed LBS, LBS gets meds/counseling, WW/WAS on the fence doesn't know what he/she wants, cake eating, affairs, you confront and she appeases and hides... sounds pretty similar.

You help your kids give her gifts. You do this every year.

Since your kids are young, I would do something like a hand print gift. I had a DIY pottery place that I took my kids to. We made a serving platter with our hand prints. In your case, just have D4 hand prints and son1 foot print.

The point is have it personal from the kids, not you. Always be a great dad.

I'm loving all the advice. Here's where I'm stuck before I implement going dark. Literally ever person I've talked to in person says to kill her with kindness. Be the best husband and dad possible. Give gifts and repent. Compliment and build her confidence. I hear this from my counselor as well as someone who was on the brink of divorce themselves. That all seems to be from the heart and DB seems to be tactics. Do we have success stories around people whom did the opposite of some DB rules and pursued, etc?

One of the reasons I think she went wayward was the lack of attention, no spontaneity, kids came first. Shouldn't these be my 180s? If she is having an EA, I have the home court advantage. I see her in person daily, she can see I'm a great dad and I can beat the guy at his own game. He was sweet talking I'm sure and mailed her a gift. I know its all against the DB rules but how do we know which path is better?

Hey Core,

My sitch bears some similarities to yours. 2 kids, H still in the house/MB, confirmed EA, etc. Have you read the DR book? You might not be at the "going dark" or LRT phase-- you may still be in the 180s as long as you are avoiding all pursuing behaviors. My coach advised treating him like a beloved houseguest-- nice, friendly, fun, but nothing that could be perceived as pressure or pursuing. Marathon not a sprint. GAL.

It seems on these boards that there are more specific recommendations for LBHs around regaining respect from your W that I can't really help with, but there are plenty of threads with info and you have the vets above on your side! I'm just a newbie too but hang in there!

Hey May22,

I'm so sorry you are going through something so similar. I like the advise, its neither manipulation nor pursuing, just being what you need to be, especially for the kids.

I definitely know where I lost respect....so many regrets! Earning it back through tough love is a priority.

Going to take a look at your sitch. Nice in a way to relate. I wish you and the family the best.

Bump

I know you're bumping for more advice, anything in particular?

I would advise rereading everything posted so far. It takes several times to really absorb the info IMO.