Hi Betsey, Meredith and Pamela - A new season – doesn't this in itself epitomise hope and to some extent progress?
Quote: People drop in and throw out good food for thought... and I think it's great for all of us.
Amen
Quote: I decided to get out of my painful world and start reconnecting with friends who have been important but left behind because I didn't want to deal with thoughts of my estranged Mr. W. It's now time to jump head first back into my life and quit looking backward.
Most likely it is a phase we all have to go through. Lovely when we come out of it
Looking forward to the chit chat this season. Hugs, Slowly
A new season? My but time flies when you’re having fun!
Quote: The type of boundaries that are not directives or trying to control someone else, but the type that are things we have considered and decided are too important to pretend they aren't bothering us.
OKKAY then…boundaries. This is perhaps the first time in my entire life that I can participate in this topic from a positive standpoint. My former contribution would have been me asking and begging for ways to set boundaries for a PA/ADD guy who walked over each and every one I’ve ever laid down for him!
Now, I can share what works for me. I don’t set them in manipulation. I sit down, you CONSIDER (remember that?) what I can and cannot handle. Then, I take what I cannot handle and stop. For instance…my husband is as late as they come. I consider ‘on time’ to be ten minutes early and I hate when people are made to wait for me. If he says he will arrive at 5pm, I give him until 5:10pm and then leave. He can then drive the children all the way home. It works! He’s only had to do it once. He’s now on time, if not early.
Our lawyer who helped draw up the separation agreement had little to no patience with my H. She was a family friend and was disgusted by the circumstances surrounding the need for the SA. When H showed to our meeting a half hour late, apologizing as he always does by blaming traffic, she asked him if he’s ever flown on an airplane. Looking confused, he admitted that he had. She asked how many times the airplane has waited for him to arrive. He said that he was always on time for the airplane, so it never HAD to wait. She expected that response, nodded, and said, “treat every obligation you have as though it is that airplane. Why? Because you have PROVEN with that statement that you CAN be on time”. I have just recently figured out that I can encourage that by treating my time like the pilot of the airplane would treat his. Like I said, so far, only ONE time has he had to drive the children the rest of the way home.
I can give more boundary examples if you’d like, but that will do for now.
I know that this was on the old season, but I want to make reference to the website that was linked up to our thread, the funny things that WASs have done. Let me state that I found almost none of them funny. I suppose whether you do or don’t would completely depend on your sense of humor and mood. Much like the fact that Jerry Springer can be humorous if you are in the mood for that type of crazy humor!! But I want to make sure that people realize this really isn’t DBing. DBing is finding the humor in your situation, yes…but calling the OW interesting names, referring to your former husband as those people were, putting stories about incest in what was supposedly a humorous thread…that stuff is just plain trash. And I am not saying that anyone here needs to take any blame or apologize if they found the thread to be humorous. I just want to say that humorous or not, it wasn’t DBing. It was bitter, angry people venting.
"It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere."
--Agnes Repplier, writer and historian
I love Friends, I taped last nights show and haven't watch it yet. I'm glad THESE threads are continuing.
I can say I haven't been following too closely but do want to complimente you and Betsey as you are very articulate, put very good thoughts and feeligs into words. Something I have a hard time doing.
Quote: know that this was on the old season, but I want to make reference to the website that was linked up to our thread, the funny things that WASs have done. Let me state that I found almost none of them funny. I suppose whether you do or don’t would completely depend on your sense of humor and mood. Much like the fact that Jerry Springer can be humorous if you are in the mood for that type of crazy humor!! But I want to make sure that people realize this really isn’t DBing. DBing is finding the humor in your situation, yes…but calling the OW interesting names, referring to your former husband as those people were, putting stories about incest in what was supposedly a humorous thread…that stuff is just plain trash. And I am not saying that anyone here needs to take any blame or apologize if they found the thread to be humorous. I just want to say that humorous or not, it wasn’t DBing. It was bitter, angry people venting.
I went to that website and didn't find it very humorous either. I read a few and then had to leave. I found it hard to read and was a bit embarrassed about what people were putting there. I think the first one was I read was kind of funny, the guy that was considering reconcilation and the spouse asking that he move back home and him saying that'd he'd have to give up OW then..
I am really uncomfortable with the name calling of OP's also. I try not to do that, but I know I am guilty of doing it myself, when I am in a venting/ugly mood. Otherwise I just feel sad for the OP's. On the other hand I remember when I was growing up, I've been on the underdog's side, the one that nobody liked or the one that people picked on...I became very protective of that person and would stand up for them.
Regarding boundaries, I have a really hard time setting them with my H. Probably because of his selfish, pissy attitude when I do try to set them. So for now I will keep following these threads and maybe get to a point where I feel my time is just as important as his time and set those boundaries.
I do have a time issue, if I'm supposed to be somewhere at a certain time. I am there, early. In the office I used to work in a certain woman was always late, always. When she did come she brought food and ate it during the meeting. To me this is an attention getting move as they are not up to speed with the topics, etc. and everyone has to give a brief summary.
The funny thing is when I ask my H for a timeline, like when he's going to be home it's "I'll be there when I get there" Now me, I have to give him a very certain time and if I'm not back at or around that time I usually get a call asking where I am and why I'm not back yet. My H is also very inquisitive into my whereabouts, where I do not question his, for one thing I used to be pretty intune to where he was, what he was doing, he was pretty predictable or maybe it was just my intuition.
Since the A and since he's been back home I don't have that same intuitiveness on where he's going, what he's doing. Oh maybe I do, but now I don't question him or should I say I feel uncomfortable questioning my H on where he's been. I'd rather not know than be lied and at this point it's his own business.
Hey, Friends! So, what did you all think of the big ending last night? I'm asking because I was just accused by H of thinking too "black and white." I was a little disgusted that Rachel got off the plane. Why? Well, I guess I hate the melodrama of, "Oh, I DO love you!" I guess in my world, you either love people or you don't. You either make plans to move away, or you don't. I guess I don't understand suddenly realizing you've loved somwone all the time.
Maybe I just let myself stick my own sitch into it. Maybe some other place and time I would have liked the ending. But for now, I'm far too cynical for it.
As for you, Miss Meredith....glad the boundaries are working. I know they are scary to impose, because it is hard to stop bending over backwards for your spouse, when you've been (albeit unconsciously) hoping to "get him back" that way. I knew he'd respond to your expectations of timliness.
Now I wish someone would do it for me! I'm always late for everything!
I have to say that it reminded me of a yahoogroup that I joined before finding the BB.
The people in that group were absolutely viscious towards a woman who had been cheated on and was trying to reconcile her marriage.
Fortunately for me...she posted one last message to the group saying she had found this BB...a sanctuary for those who want to save their marriage.
I truly believe that THIS BB helped me save my marriage. And I basically found it sad that there are people posting on the website who have given up hope...and have had to resort to name calling in order to feel better.
You guys have no idea how grateful I am to Michele and each and every one of y'all.
I TOTALLY agree about the OP name calling. It makes me cringe when I see it. For me, it boils down to the fact that I believe if you can conjure up that much hatred for the OP, then the feelings you are proclaiming for your spouse aren't really accurate. How can you forgive one and not the other? You are lying to yourself when you do that. I'm not suggesting having tea and biscuits with the OP, but the crass names are unnecessary. Mer was right, that site was like Jerry Springer.
I've never been one for the whole "LOL" thing, cause frankly, usually things are just not that funny....and rolling on the floor laughing?...who REALLY does that? So, when people responded to those sad, sick, twisted stories with "LOL," well, I had to just sit and wonder what kind of world I'm living in.
I to went to the web site.It made me sad to see so many people hurting.
As we all know I use homor to cope.Sometimes it can put a bandaid on a open wound.
I too have been very guilty of name calling my husbands ow. It my way of dehumanizing her so I can cope with the pain of my husband sleeping with her.
And lets face it she is not some one who deserves respect.She knew he was married and pursued him anyway.She has a part in the breakup of my marriage.How be it not as much as my husband and I.But if she wasn't in the picture it could be easier to get somewhere in the repair of our marriage.
Maybe I'm wrong.But right now I can't see her as human.It is just to painful.If I see her as a tramp I can let it go.But if I see her as an equal or a good person then there is something wrong with me and he has traded up.That is something a lot of us can't do.
It is like trying to see a killer as human.The mother of the lost loved one may never be able to do that.I think there are only a few strong ones who can.One day I might be.But right now the wounds this woman has inflicted on to me are to fresh.Maybe when they have healed and it is just a scar I will be able to see her as a hurting person.
I know this is harsh.But the reality is I have such a strong hate for her for what she has done.
I need to heal myslef before I can ever forgive her.I'm not there yet.And it will be a long time before Iam.
Later Friends. Briget
The grass is always greener over the septic tank... Erma Bombeck
Treat hate with Love... DR. Martin Luther King
Meredith, I have set boundaries for my h just recently. He is taking advantage of me while I am in pain. My boundaries are pretty ruff, but 180 for me because I have always been a push over. I never wanted to rock the boat. Well the boat is rockin' and the currents get ruff, but I ain't the 1 nauseous this time. It is H.
I told him when he spends time w/S do it @ his moms where he reside, no washing clothes here, I don't want u here when I am not home( he was going thru my things),and I don't want you coming around @ dinner and breakfast time wanting to eat. He was only picking S up to go to his B-Ball games but I told him you will get him every other weekend. He thinks I have nothing better to do than entertain S on the weekends??????????? WTF
I set the boundaries about 2 wks ago. I have not called him unless it is about S or finances. He is finding every stupid reason in the world to call me. He called me @ 1am this morning. I did not even answer. I will continue to DB but I need to be respected as well. You can not respect a doormat!
Sorry the post is so long. come and visit my thread when u get a moment.
