Sorry you're going through a rough time. Addressing your underlying anxiety issues will probably have a very positive and widespread effect on you and your sitch. Get great help with this and really work at it. Really dig in on this man.
You are struggling with the counter-intuitive nature of the advice you are getting here. I get it. But the reason the vets' advice carries so much weight is that they have seen so many sitches over the years and the same scenarios play out in similar fashion over and over and over. There are exceptions to every rule but the odds are stacked heavily against you that you have an exceptional sitch. You have been referred to Sandi's Rules. You can follow them, or you can do the opposite if you like.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
