Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Affair fog,MLC or true love?

Wish I couldn't provide any insight, but here I am. I had an EA with a co-worker, turned into full blown PA, I pretty much vilified my wife, my marriage, everything that involved her. I thought and felt all the things your H is now, and its all crap by the way. My sitch is crazy/different than most I have came across, I was coming out of the fog, trying to break it off, seeing the A and AP for what it was when my W found out, so I had almost a year in the affair without my W knowing that I was having an affair and just thought it was our marriage and me being unhappy with the marriage and her. We reconciled for about 7 months, but not the way we should have and then she started an EA, which turned into a PA, and we are now separated. Crazy as it sounds, before this, we were a zero drama couple, never anything like this at all.

Back to your question though, yes it makes it harder to escape from it, it makes no contact impossible. Depending on the OW's personality it just gets drug out, I said some mean things to tell the OW that I wanted out, to leave me alone, that I wasn't leaving my wife, but none of them worked, she was selfish and controlling, and she wasn't going to give up what she wanted eaisly. Most of the time I would do this on a Thursday or Friday, block her on everything I could, and by Monday she was in my office telling me how horrible I was, how I ruined her life, how I was the worst person she had ever met because I lied to her. I was already dealing with guilt and shame, so then I would resume some type of contact, which would just lead back to things going back to the way they were. I knew I was screwing up, I knew I was in the wrong, but it was also hard to give up those feelings, that "high" I felt, feeling all those things I wasn't feeling at home.

If I wouldn't have worked with her I seriously don't think the EA would have turned into a PA, and I don't think the affair would have lasted so long. When I would make a break, even over a weeklong vacation with my family, zero contact with her, once I walked back into work it was the same song and dance from her, anger and then guilt trip, and I would get dragged back in. Don't mistake that for me making an excuse for my actions or his, but it is difficult to make the break and even harder when you can't escape them. Even when I was trying to break it off I still thought the OW was my "true love" I kept thinking that I was giving up happiness to stay in my marriage, but that was all based in lies, and fantasy of what the relationship really was. I didn't find this website and all the information I have until my wife started her EA or I think our situation would have turned out different.

As much as I hate thinking about how I acted and treated my wife during the affair, I do know her saying hi or being nice turned me off, I was so sure she was the cause of all my pain that I vilified everything she said or did. So I say let him go without saying anything unless he offers a hello to you.

I know most of the stuff I typed is pretty depressing, the only thing I can say, and that I have to remind myself of constantly is these feelings the WAS has during the beginning of the A will change, I could not think clearly or see reality, but once I did, I was done with the situation, but that doesn't mean I didn't create a lot of hurt along the way.

My situation is different because my H moved out and I didn't find out about the OW until recently. I don't know who she is but I suspect she is someone he works with as well. I ended up filing for D a couple of weeks ago for financial reasons and because I'm not okay with him cake eating. He doesn't get to have a girlfriend while I am plan B in case things don't work out with her. I think it's serious now because he went from saying he needed time to he's done.

Took me 8 months to get to this place though. If it makes you feel better I don't think my WAH is happy. He's drinking heavily, has to work a 2nd job to pay CS (I'm about to hit him with alimony as well) and his new life, one kid disowned him, one barely talks to him, and the other sees him maybe 1 day a week in pieces. My kids (almost adults) say his pride and ego are at stake now. He is too far gone to turn back now (he doesn't know they know about the OW) I still have hope but its likely to take years before he comes out of this fog. I figure we can always reconcile later so I'm good.

Hang in there.

To be clear I had to file. He moved out and until the lease was up he was paying all my bills. I was forced to get my own place 2 months ago and the verbal agreement was he would pay me more. He did not. Previously I let him talk me out of a temporary support agreement hearing so now I was stuck. No court orders = doesn't have to pay. I was in the middle of trying to figure out what to do about this when I found out about the OW. Decided to go ahead and file to protect myself financially. It could take years to finalize the actual divorce.

Thank you for sharing your situation. It is helpful. Are you saying you think my H's EA is more serious now because he now says he is done or yours said that? Either way it's not a good spot to be I

Thank you for some insight from the other side it is helpful. It does seem like every time he tried to break it off it started right back up within a day or 2 back at work and he started pursuing her even more, the more she says she is backing off for him to figure out what he wants, which makes him want her more and why I am almost sure he is continuing things at work even though he said this time he was going to try to take a break. I think all of it just fuels his fantasy even more and makes it seem even more that he is "in love" in his mind and she is perfect. Part of me almost just wants to say go ahead and pursue a relationship with her in the hope he would see that see is not perfect, but I know that would not be the case

hi alrose,
hang in there!!
just wanted to say I know how you feel-- is it totally unfair and awful. Know that there are so many of us here in the same place as you and rooting for you.

Read the DR/DB book when it comes, and focus on yourself and your kids. Being a mom to five kids-- you are already a superhero and you totally have what it takes!! Be strong, be with your children and be there for yourself.

It is defiantly not perfect, but it takes time to see when you are so caught up in the moment. It's a feeling that you haven't felt in years and its addicting. My W and I met right out of high school, neither one of us had ever dated anyone else, that was just over 16 years ago. All the stresses of going through college, having kids, building careers, houses, changing jobs, working hard to get student loans paid off, and just making everything but each other a priority lead to arguments, resentment, and a feeling of unhappiness. So when someone else gives you attention and makes you feel things you haven't felt in a long time, you start to make your self believe its better, your real love, that you deserve someone who makes you feel that way, and it is all fantasy. I remember how I felt and it's a daily battle to remind myself that my W is in the same stage, is saying and doing a lot of the same things I did, but that doesn't make it any easier.

I really wasn't the pursuer in my stich, the OW was always the one who would pursue me; talk, text, flirty, change what she expected out of me, because she didn't want it to end and let it go. In my case, it actually took her saying she was really attracted to me before I ever even realized there was anything there. I thought she was just someone I could confide in and get advice, and the flirting was a nice feeling. I was 33, married, a little overweight, with 4 kids, and she was 24, didn't figure it was a concern that she was actually pursuing me, also made me enjoy the attention more than I should have. But I also didn't put up the walls I should have because I didn't think it was an issue and I really never had thoughts about cheating on my wife or leaving my marriage, but those feelings once started are strong and like everything says I became driven by emotion and not logic.

My W told me 2 months before leaving that she didn't know what to do, that she had never felt this way about anyone but me, asked me how long before those feelings stopped, that she didn't want to talk to him but sometimes it was all she wanted to do. and at that point she had only met him 45 days before. Its a powerful, powerful feeling.

I would follow DB rules I wish I would have found this resource before my affair, definitely after it, and before I did all the wrong things to push my W harder into her affair. I definitely wouldn't tell him and to pursue a relationship unless you are ready for him to do so, he'll see that as a free pass, and these feeling do not go away quickly, reality will come, but usually not quickly.

listen to these guys, read sandi post, it may be about a wayward wife, but I can personally tell you that it all applied to me, it is like she was writing about me. I wish I could give better advice and make better points, I seem to ramble on a lot. If my wife you have followed the things here when I was in my EA and even during my PA it would have made me take notice, she begged and pleaded what was wrong, it just pushed me away. All I had to do was give her a little attention or whatever and she was head over heels happy and it gave me more space to do what I wanted, I controlled the situation. It was a little different because she didn't know I was having an affair, deep down she probably did, but she didn't push or acknowledge it.

Thank you, it sounds like the feelings for the most part that my H is having for her are in line with what you felt. It is a very scary feeling that he doesn't even want to stay for the kids and that he is ok with only seeing them one day a week and every other weekend, because he has no desire to work anything out, and feels divorce or just co parenting well he sees her after his "6 month break" from her (i said he could stay in the basement if he takes a 6 month break from her including no talking at work) are a better option for him. Right now I just pray (well being realistic that he probably isn't) that he doing what he says and will start to see his family as the better option. In the meantime I just am telling myself the way he is acting and his attitude are not the man I need nor what the kids need and we can be happy again.

Has anyone elses H or W went from saying they could never picture not seeing their kids every day to saying it will be fine and that's how a lot of families are and I'm (He) is ok with it, because they fell life will be better with the OP so they will make up for the lose

That was a huge thing that kept me from separating from my wife when I was in the affair, I'm hugely involved with my girls. I always helped at bed and bath time, almost every morning got them ready(asked my W to lay clothes out was about it), always did drop off and pickup, got up with them at night when they were babies. So it was a major, major hand up for me. The flip side was the OW telling me that I would be a better father if I was a happy father, that kids are resilient, on and on. But in that state of mind the wayward will change all their values, morals, beliefs, everything(I did, my wife is now). One thing I never did was ever assume or say I would give up 50/50 custody, its what I have now, even in the height of my affair and thinking divorce was the answer I always wanted my kids, I just thought getting joint custody was one negative to all the positives I falsely thought I was going to get.

During my affair when I was talking and pushing separation/divorce she always brought up the kids, not as pawns, but as telling me that they would be devastated, that they shouldn't have to deal with all the tragedies and heartbreak because we couldn't figure stuff out, that we owed it to our children to make our marriage work, and so forth, I believed in that, but I did temporarily start to change my opinion, and so on. Then she turned around did the same thing, I used the same arguments, but in my W own words, "I'm going to be selfish and pick my happiness", of course her OM is divorced (twice), kids live 4 hours away and he rarely sees them, but she was heavily influenced with his "great" advice.

Anyway, very common justification I have read on the board, plus I used it for a while, then my wife did. The affair fog, limerence, addiction, whatever name you call it is powerful and changes a lot about a person, a lot.

I don't know because it didn't happen, but if my wife would have started making family outing plans without me, taking off and doing her own thing(GAL), and stuff like that I think it would have made a major difference, because I definitely was a cake eater. Best of both worlds or whatever.

Would it be better then to not invite him when I plan on taking the kids some place then? I invited him with us today and he said yes but when we got here he went with our oldest and I am with the rest in different parts of the building. He is definitely a have my cake and eat it too person now. He is living at home and gets to play family with the kids well seeing her at work and still saying he wants a divorce in 6 months. Would it also be better to ask him to stay at his friend's so a while so he can see what it would be like, or at this point that wouldn't make a difference. He seems to not care when I am out at all because that is what he wants and before this I would do my own things because he never wanted to come. What about asking if he wants to come Christmas shopping with me I had planned to do it any ways and when I mentioned it the other day he said he is fine with things like as friends