Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Scout's QLC journey

Hey Scout,

I'll have to come back to you tomorrow as I'm jammed at the moment. Tonight maybe if I get time! Sorry

I haven't said my thoughts about your H because you are here to bust your divorce, and the principles we members stick to is not to bash the H or W. I'll do so though if that's what you want and if it helps.

Stay strong at changeover - cover yourself in a protective shield of 'calm' energy, ok. There ain't nuthin' tougher in the world than a single mum getting s$#t done!

Thanks DS. I don’t know if I’m busting my divorce or just learning how to deal with it. Just trying to be the best person I can and letting the chips fall where they may.

Changeover was quick and easy. Barely any interaction beyond hello and goodbye. One awkward moment - S1 (who is nearly 2) has lately been very interested in the topic of ‘home’. Where is Mama’s house, S1’s house, dad’s house, grandparents’ house etc. As I was collecting S1 from H at the front door, he piped up “no more dada’s house”! I played along and said “no, just mama and S1’s house”. H didn’t say a word and scampered into his car to drive away. Pretty funny.

Had dinner with my family tonight. Stepdad mentioned that H deleted him off Facebook. I think he was quite hurt about it - they were closer than H was to his own father. He tried to counsel H in the weeks following BD and really encouraged him to think about what he was doing. Of course H, being in MLC, didn’t take it seriously and used it as an opportunity to talk about how awesome it was being free and single, and how much his life was improving. Stepdad said at the time that it was bizarre and quite tone-deaf.

It was thanks to this conversation, about six weeks after BD, that I found out H had decided to end the trial separation and proceed with divorce. Yes, I found out my marriage was ending from my stepdad. H told stepdad to tell me in order to soften the blow (more accurately, to avoid a difficult emotional conversation). He knew that I knew for the next three days and did nothing. On the third day of silence, hurting beyond measure, I broke down and asked him to talk to me in person about it. He took a day to reply and said he would be free at the end of the week. It was shockingly casual and completely heartless.

Anyway. That is the memory I am thinking of tonight. It’s nice to be removed from the emotion behind it, or to have processed the emotion so it doesn’t hurt any more. I can muse about it without pain.

Hey scout

I think your H is a narcissist, or at least displays a lot of those characteristics. There seems to be a veneer of a respectable man but this has been exposed and he doesn’t seem to care. Indeed he just seems to care about himself right now. Your comments about the chore list and how he ignored you and S when you were both very sick is, frankly, abnormal. That he is an intelligent man and he still does this is concerning. His disinterested and flippant attitude to your son says it all. That he is doing counseling for his own happiness, the way he treated your step dad etc etc signals a man who simply doesn’t care about anyone except himself. Having a child means you can’t play Xbox, go kart, paint ball etc. that he chose these teenage hobbies over family is in my respectful view abhorrent. I’m not sure what you will find in your heart if you look deeply and objectively, but I think you’ve hinted at the change in feelings about him and who he really is. You mentioned something about a mask before. I thought my XW changed and something came over her but it wasn’t who she really was. Someone told me the other day that this person who she is now is actually who she really is. I dunno.

Yes a parenting plan is non binding. Why not just try a consent order and see what h says. Ask your lawyer about varying a consent order in future when s is older, if warranted. Maybe even look at clauses for review in future with latitude to increase time with h as s gets older. Consent orders can be as flexible as you choose to draft them. You may feel a lot more certain, secure and assured with consent orders. There’ll be fact sheets about both on the family courts website. Your L should advise you about pros and cons of both but make sure they’re aware of all the going’s on with H ok.

I’m too tired to type more but will check in on you tomorrow ok. Cheers DS

some previously great (or at least normal ) spouses can LOOK like they have a personality disorder during crisis, but show no signs of it before or after.

That’s not your husband.

You’ve given ample evidence that he had these issues all along, they’ve just become less hidden.

I suggest you read a short book called The Sociopath Next Door. I suspect you will recognize your H.

As for your H blocking your stepdad on FB - how else could he hide OW posts and other evidence of his bad behavior? It’s probably not personal to stepdad but just about hiding what he’s doing.

I really appreciate the reality check, thank you both. Your words give credence to the growing feelings in my heart.

I have read on other threads/boards about the validity of MLC and whether we as LBS insist on viewing things through this lens because we are desperately searching for some logical explanation of what happened. When perhaps the concept is meaningless and people who act as though they are in MLC are long broken and something triggered their inability to cope or maintain the facade. Or even more simply, they believed they were entitled to their happiness at any cost, ie. narcissist.

Maybe in my case, this is true.

I know there are marriages that end in mutual respect, kindness, sorrow, regret. It's hard to understand why we weren't afforded this same consideration by our spouses. Did we choose the 'wrong' type of person? Did we contribute to our own mistreatment? I do think the presence or possibility of an AP prevents a healthy, natural end to a relationship, and could be the easiest explanation for why 'MLC' relationships end with such destruction and pain. Perhaps MLC is simply How To Escape your Marriage When You're Emotionally Illiterate 101: It's Your Spouse's Fault and You Deserve To Be Happy With New Person.

I dunno, just thinking out loud.

New topic: I have a question around the type of contact I should have with H.

At this point, it's my preference to only be in proximity with him long enough to say hello and goodbye while we exchange S1. I'm not interested in chit chat about his day, nor in sharing anything about my day, let alone anything more significant. The last time he spewed at me, he acted very injured that I never make small talk with him, and said that makes me mean and cold. I don't want to be his friend. I do try to limit our contact.

Is this rude of me? I'm on the fence about standing for this marriage but I do want to be the best version of myself so I can square everything away with my conscience.

Here's a little further thinking that I would like to get down on paper (so to speak).

H expressed a desire to go back to simpler, happier times. Meaning, before we met and began to build a life together with all its inherent responsibilities and commitments. He said he was happiest at age 18 when life was about video games, drifting cars, and partying with the boys. It certainly seems that that's his current mental age based on his actions and activities.

I recall now a comment he made years ago about his parents abandoning him as soon as he finished high school. The impression I got, or my interpretation of his comment, was that his high school graduation was the only thing keeping his parents from retiring early and 'living their best life'. Indeed, as soon as he graduated and moved out, they immediately sold the family home, bought a catamaran, and went to sail the high seas. Only returning every six months or so and not keeping in touch much with either of their children.

I do wonder if he felt deep down that his parents were impatient with him, the youngest child, for holding them back from their dreams. I wonder if he felt unsupported during the big life transition of finishing school, moving out, and starting uni. I wonder if he began to withhold information about his life from them in retaliation for leaving. He routinely ignores his mother's calls and messages to this day. It is very foreign to me, a girl who has a close and honest relationship with my own mother. And just disrespectful, as well.

He never expanded on the abandonment comment, or even remembered saying it in later years. But it has always stuck with me.

Hey Scout,

This sounds like a good plan. Minimal exchanges with you being calm and breezy during the hellos and goodbyes. If he does want to make chit chat, maybe entertain it a little, from time to time, then break it off fairly quickly as you've got to run. I use lots of "M-hmms" and "Oh really's" when my XW unloads a stream of consciousness on me, as well as engaging, animated eye contact (my XW used to loved my eyes and looking at them, so that's more of a 'seductive' thing in my sitch, which you may obviously not feel the same to your H at the moment), kind of like when we were married (these daily downloads from my XW were part of our dynamic so it's fairly easy for me). I keep it light and upbeat, with a 'no worries' attitude. Notice your body language and facial expression too, and adjust if required so as to avoid folded arms or giving off a tense, stressed vibe.

Speak to your L about creating a "Communication Book" to pass messages back and forth about matters concerning your son

H's feeling injured etc that you don't make small talk is mind boggling given the circumstances, and I detect a significantly deficient level of maturity within him.

And no, I don't think it's rude of you

Cheers, DS

Ummm....if he says such a thing again, I would remind him that what is REALLY mean and cold is abandoning your wife and child.

Interesting about his abandonment by his parents. Yes, I think most young adults just starting out might feel abandoned in such a situation. And if he'd been generally a nicer husband before his crisis, I would think perhaps he was just recreating his childhood trauma. BUT - since he's shown evidence of serious issues for a very long time - it's also possible that his parents sold the house and took off so that he couldn't move back home with them.

(A former athlete has been sentenced for rape charges in my city - my boyfriend knew his famous father and wondered why the dad had moved into a one bedroom apartment years ago - suspicion is it was to keep his son from moving back in.)

Generally, it's a good idea to keep to the high road. Be polite but distant.

Good Morning scout


I agree with your minimal contact. Remain kind and cordial, as best you can. Talk with him (no to him) like you would a work colleague or boss; polite and mostly business related. That behaviour and communication is not rude.

As for standing and becoming the best version of yourself. Do both.

You need to heal and find your stable foundation. Finding your inner strengthens, your beliefs and values. Taking a good accurate look at them, and adjusting the ones that you are not completely pleased with. This takes time and growth. The return on such an investment is that best version of you.

While you are doing that - stand.

Or maybe more accurately - don’t stand down.

You are not ready to go out dating and such; and you are still married. Let H do whatever he is doing towards ending things, all that heavy lifting. You focus on you.

So in effect you stand for you. Not H or your marriage, although it amounts to the same for the time being. Standing really starts when one is healed enough to stand down. You’ve got lots of time, no need to rush deciding about standing or not. You’re probably not really ready to do anything else anyhow. And that is a very good thing.

H is the father and is going to be in son’s life and therefore your’s, for a long time. Best to take the high road and create a cordial relationship with him. Ya I know, being the stable parent and spouse puts the majority of the work load on you. Arggggg. Go punch a pillow, get the anger out, and find acceptance to this unfortunate fact - H is behaving like a teenager and you are left holding the bag. Of course I don’t believe you would want things reversed. Maybe that viewpoint helps a bit.

As you heal, converse with H, grow, and become that best person you can be more and more will be revealed. Future decisions will become less clouded. Have faith and be patient.

And yes, one can square everything with their conscience. And that journey is so very worth it.

DnJ

Just a positive GAL update. I'm having a great day off.

I saw a psychic this morning and it was really therapeutic. The first thing she said was that there was a lot of angst surrounding a relationship that ended without warning. Yep, you could say that! She also said she has no hesitation sharing her sense of hope about broken relationships with her clients, but there was no possibility of change with my H. Interesting to hear the thoughts of this thread repeated, whether you believe in psychics or not.

I'm home now. S1 is down for a nap, I just had a delicious sub and some cookies for lunch, and I'm relaxing with a diet coke watching my favourite sitcom. A friend and her kids are coming over for a playdate after lunch, then I'm gonna make a big batch of chicken fried rice for dinner. This is the life!

Thank you DS, kml, DnJ for sharing your viewpoints, as always. I couldn't do this alone.