Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers I cheated, we survived, now my wife's cheating

Sometimes I feel like the view towards my stich is that she is justified with what she is doing because I hurt her. Is that true? Am I viewing my situation in the wrong light?

I guess I feel like I went through a period of no hope for our marriage, I felt like it was dead, my W never listened or cared. I was in a bad spot, just a daily trudge, and that opened me up to the EA and excitement that came with that, that eventually became a PA. I felt guiltily and knew it was wrong, but had a terrible time getting unhooked from the situation. I was able to become unhooked and get out of it when it was discovered. I'm currently reading Torn Asunder, and a line in the book hit at me, that a lot of times the infidel will have the best nights of rest after they are caught, while the betrayed is sleepless. It is so true, it was a weight lifted. I guess it hard to explain but I was back to where I wanted to be, but I had almost a year to start coming to that realization on my own.

I know I hurt her, more than I can probably comprehend, but I feel like she is followed along the same paths as I. She was hurting, was vulnerable, probably hopeless, but told me and showed me exactly the opposite. That opened her up to the EA, 1000's of text, pictures, sharing feelings of mutual attraction, escape, excitement. Saying I love you, talks about the future, hiding it from me. Telling me she never felt this way before, what if this was her one chance to be happy. Then me finding it and her being remorseful and stopping contact, but then once it started again it was like she wasn't going to let that feeling escape again.

So yes, I had a PA while married, she said we were separating to work on the marriage, that she wasn't really even thinking about divorce, then the next night went to OMs house and never looked back.

So when I see things like "she's not doing anything wrong", it makes me feel like I'm in wrong for my view towards what she is doing, that she isn't a Wayward Wife.

Please don't take this as argumentative, I'm seriously trying to see if I am wrong in my view point of her actions. Is her mindset that of a wayward wife or something different?

Thank you.

I'm sure its to see if she can get a response from me or maybe not, I'm sure she doesn't care if I have response or not. She seems to do a very good job about not really telling me directly that she has plans with the OM, but instead in text about kid schedules she usually will say what she doing or where she going but then when it involves the OM she is just vague enough to make sure I know she has plans with him.

I never ask, but its hard to not respond with frustration or something, so I don't respond at all. Earlier in the week she asked if she could have the kids Thanksgiving in late afternoon to go to her Grandmas, I say no problem, mines at noon, that one is at like 3. Then today she text and says never mind, I can have then all day. She is supposed to keep them Thursday night. Says its going to be after bedtime when before she gets back from out of town (OM family and kids are all 3 hours away), so I know she'll be with OM, she has never missed her grandma's Thanksgiving in the 16 years we've been together, and she will pick them up super late or did she need to make arrangements with her mom.

I know, I know, I just need to get use to it. I just have to deal with it, but it just seems like she slips just enough information into kid schedules to make sure I know she's with the OM or is going to be with him, or that she's going to be out of town over the weekend, or whatever. I don't want to hear it, I don't want to think about it, and know I have to hear my kids using his name around me. Just feel like she does it for a response and that she just don't give a hell that its hurtful.

I know I'm just bitching, trying to be calm and put together around her is just difficult because she does the same thing at drop-off when we see each other in person.

JC -

Some of your understanding on your WW mindset is probably correct - the addiction, excitement, and guilt. And yes, she probably is justifying it because of your previous affair, and so she might be in a mindset where she doesn't care if you know and is hurt.

The difference is that she is female, so she is a bit more emotionally invested than you were - so from what I read is harder to drop the affair on a dime.

Okay so the W just called me. Asked me about kid schedule for tonight, that we just discussed 3 hours ago via text. She never calls anymore, so I found it odd anyway, but anyway, she's clearly crying and having a hard time keeping it together on the phone. I ask her what's going on, she said oh just work, and she's now bawling and barley keeping it together. I tell her, "I'm sorry work is so stressful right now, I'm sure you can handle it". She just says it her fault, everything is just so stressful right now. I tell her if she wants to talk about what's going on at work she can but I'm sure she can handle it.

She then ask me, " how are you doing, seriously how are you doing". Just reply, "not bad. Seriously though you can talk to me, I'm sure you'll be okay, I've always listened and supported you".

W: "I know you have, I appreciate it so much! (Still crying) I want you to talk to me and tell me how your doing".

Me: Thanks, okay.

W: "Seriously how are you doing, you can talk to me!" Almost pleading.

Me: I know this sounds dumb but it's what I did to get away from the conversation. Acting like I just seen someone, "Oh hey how are you doing!" Then to my wife, "Hey I got to go, I'm sure work will be fine, and sorry it's stressful. See you when you drop girls off tomorrow!" Then hung up.

Kept a calm, polite tone the entire time. She tried to get me to say things, to tell her how I'm struggling or whatever, and I didn't (even though I wanted too!).

She has never had job issues until OM, pretty much been constant since then. Even when I was at home they were starting, pretty sure work is where she communicated constantly, and at that time was texting and calling me alot. Doesn't see the job problems are probably connected to OM.

I'm sure I could have done things better but felt like an improvement. Before I would have went full relationship talk, how much I love her, how I'm always available to her, and so on.

So I guess I'm looking for feedback on the good and bad.

Out of the blue my W text me and says: 11 years ago I called you to tell you Addie was on the way. Honestly I'm so sorry I wasn't a better wife and made you look else where. I never meant for our lives to get this complicated.

What do I respond? I want to tell her that it was my fault, that it was my problems that lead to this. That she was always enough and still is. That I'm sorry I wasn't a better husband and that she felt like she couldn't stay.

I'm sure that is all wrong. Please give me some advice.

Hi JC08,

Do you believe she didn't hear you're sorry for cheating and willing to work hard on the marriage? If you've never told her those things before, perhaps it's worth telling her 1x? However, by now I suspect you'd told her many times. You're right--no point in saying the same things and expecting a different result.

PS - I'm saying these words to myself as much as I'm saying them to you. My ex said, "It's really hard to understand how you could <blah> <blah> <blah> and then expect me to <two requirements for reconciliation>" At that point, no more to say. She heard and rejected my terms.

I have told her many many times how sorry I was for everything. I have always took the blame for my actions and I have always stressed that it was never her fault and that she didn't have any short comings that lead me to having an affair. That my actions were my fault and no one else's.

The only things she had said after leaving is that she wished I worked as hard on saving the marriage before she got to the point of leaving. I wish I would have too but before she met the OM and started her EA she only ever told me that we were great, that our marriage was stronger and we were happier. Little did I know where she and our marriage was actually at.

Maybe she temp checking, maybe she's still confused about what she really want, I just don't know, but I know that I probably shouldn't read to much into it, because in reality I have no idea what is going through her head or what she is feeling.

So I have been trying hard to detach, to go dark, to only discuss kid stuff, to be happy and up beat around her. Basically follow all the rules. But Im learning that I suck at detaching, I have been doing good until Christmas and she takes the kids to his house for Christmas, shows up with a new diamond necklace, on and on. She seriously says and thinks we can be good friends, wants us to talk and have good conversation, and just be happy with each other.

She want all of this even though she pushes forward hard with divorce, even though she pushing to sell the house and the land, so we start back over at square one.

I get and completely understand we have to communicate because we have four children, but where does she get off telling me that she never thought she would see the day after 16 years that we couldn't carry on normal conversation, even when we were at our worse(this is at our worse), that we always talked and had good conversation.

Does she not understand that if she wants a divorce so bad that she get none of me? If you want out so bad, if we are not good enough to work on, if you had to turn to another man and never look back that I'm not going to be your BFF anymore?

Because every time I try to be nice and be friendly she usually just ramps up how much she loves me but can't be married to me. How she never wants me out of her life, just not as her husband. Fine I get it, but you don't want me, then im not going to be here for scraps of your love.

JC08,

Well if you are not going to be around for scraps of her love, you need to tell and show her that, it seems obvious that you are doing things that send signals that you are.

Start detaching and she will get the message loud and clear. Learn to detach with LOVE. Learn to move forward and get out of those friendly conversations. It's also clear that she doesn't respect you, if she wears the OM presents around you.

Start by making yourself sparse when she's around and it's her time with the children.

And to answer your questions about her getting what she's going to lose: NO she doesn't get it, she in a very selfish state and an fantasy. She's wanting what she wants and guess what she's getting it at the moment. Stop feeding your side of her fantasy and let her start to feel what a life without JC is really going to feel like.

Onward and forward

Joejoe

Finally told me that she is going to Mexico with him, I knew she was going, but she hadn't said anything or told me dates. All I responded was I just need dates and nothing else, because she asked how much I wanted to know.

How much does she think I want to know?!

Lovingly detach? How do I do that? At this point she's picking him over everything else in her life. Kids, family, friends, morals, values. I seriously don't want to have interactions with her, she wants to visit when I drop kids off, not about kids, but like best freaking friends. I pretty much drop the kids off, say "Hey" with a smile and leave. It hurts so much to try and talk, hurts less to have no interactions. that's probably not lovingly detaching but after 5 months of this I'm tired of all the hurt and pain of here acting like I'm supposed to just accept this and be her freaking friend as everything else falls apart.