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Just trying to understand.

Based on your speed ratings, you can adapt. Your son needs substantial support.

I can adapt very quickly. I struggle with some concepts and tend to try to look at things in a black and white perespective


My so is unable to grasp abstract ideas. (Ie the sun is on the other side of the globe when it is dark. Or the world is round even though it appears flat)

Like I said. No disrespect. That three levels thing is very inaccurate

Seeing all the shades of grey in between is part of DBing. Nothing is always black or white. Being able to adapt and float between the extremes is important.



I find it interesting that you say this, when you split autism up into 200 units.....





Remember when I started talking about chess? Each move you make affects the outcome of the game. There are good choices and bad choices and many choices between them. Life is no different. You can't go back and undo any of the previous moves. Look at the board now and make the best choice. You still have lots of choices.

Sounds like just another temp check/ R talk, other than perhaps the discussion about S.



She didn't know that already? I mean you've told her this same thing before.



What makes you think she will leave? She's wanted out since day one. This talk didn't really change anything.

Why am I making a big deal out of this? Because we've telling you for months and months to stop the temperature checks and R talks and you keep making excuses to have them. This talk accomplished absolutely nothing. You are tricking yourself into thinking that you are changing something by having these talks, but you're not. It's just talk, it means nothing. So I'll ask you again...

What ACTION is Oz taking now that is different than before? What is your plan? Waiting for her to do something isn't a plan.

She is going to leave when lease is up. If she doesn’t want to than I will demand we work on M. I don’t know what I was doing wrong but she thought I was still holding on

I am still stuck here:

Can you dissect it for us?

I knew she didn’t mean what she said about wishing she never met me or had our S

I also did I didn’t matter what I did she could not see I had dropped the rope. Which according to you guys is very important. So I did what I did. And I don’t regret it

H I have a question
W what
H are you still miserable
W yes
H Do you want to work on it
W I don’t think so
H ok let’s go drop S of at your sisters go out to eat and figure out where we go from here


Steve’s recommended script would not have worked. It would have caused a volcanic eruption of an argument. I would have lost any ground gained.

The conversation did not go like I thought it would. It went better in some ways. Worse in others. There is no clear defined plan. She is deciding to look for another job. I just started on my new job 2 days ago. We don’t know what work schedules will look like.

The convo went on for 5 hours. And 80 percent of it was emotional topics about the past. I don’t even remember it all and I’m too tired to try. Everyone around us thinks there is a fair shot at recon after depression. But we still have 4.5 months of living together where she is gonna see me in a new light (knowing that I let her go)

I just want her to find whatever it is she thinks is better out there. I’m not trying to punish her or hurt her in any way. If she goes out and sleeps with 50 men that’s fine. I won’t want her back. I don’t have a plan. I’m going to take it day by day. And I know I’m gonna be alright.

It does however fell like you guys hounded hounded “detach, detach!!” And then when I do and I feel like she could stay or go it makes no difference. You guys make me feel like I’ve done something wrong.

Don’t get me wrong. I love you guys. You have been a beacon through a long dark night. But sometimes I feel like I can’t win for loosin.

I’m happy where I’m at. I love my new job. I’m ok with being single, although I would prefer to recon with my wife.
If she DID say however that she did want to recon. I would have to give it some serious thought. As in SERIOUS. I’m not 100 percent sure I would. I don’t know. I will cross that bridge when I come to it.

I feel as though. Looking back on my very first posts. I have reached many of the major milestones you guys set out. I reach them and then I’m told I did it all wrong. And that is very disheartening because I’m very proud of where I am. At this moment.m sitting here typing this

Maybe it’s my cancer returning ahead of schedule IDK. But I think I look at life differently than most people. I just have to adapt and figure out what makes the most sense right now. The rest will go however it goes.

I will have lots of questions about how to behave around her the next few months after completely dropping the rope. Because I do want recon. I’m just gonna be completely ok if I don’t get it. I love her. But I’m sure there is someone else out there that I could live too. Who knows


Please don’t mistake my remarks as disrespect. You guys know how awesome you are

Oz, I think the problem isn't that you've done what people have said, or that you're being told you're doing it wrong. I think the problem is you're looking at DBing like a checklist. Like you do A, B, and C and you've arrived. As if DBing is a path you follow on the way to a destination. And you feel like you've traveled the path to a tee ... And that you should be arriving at the destination any moment.

This stuff isn't like that. What you've done, what you're doing, it isn't wrong. At all. But your expectations with it are. You're standing on top of the mountain thumping your chest in victory. Yet nothing has changed. You're still in limbo. Your fate as a couple is still in her hands. You're saying you don't care if she stays or goes but after the discussion you admit to being sad. Talk doesn't change anything. So what are you DOING that's different?

That's what my suggestion was about. You called a "script". Nope. A script is spoken, what I suggested was action. The script was you telling her about your action. The action was already taken!

Telling someone they are free to go isn't telling them anything. We are all free to go. I could stand up from my seat right this minute, look at my wife, and say. "Goodbye. I'm leaving and never coming back." Then I could walk out the door never to return. I'm free to do that whether she says I am or not.

Imagine if after she says those awful things, instead of plotting to have a discussion you went to a lawyer, drew up D papers and filed. (I can't remember if she already has, but if so then you could change this to going to a lawyer and having a separation agreement drawn up...etc) Notice...action.

Do I believe you've detached? Absolutely, I think you've made great strides on it. But I think you've missed a huge point that talk is not DBing. Action is. Look at the advice we give: GAL..180s. Detach. Action.

So now that you've had the discussion, be what are you going to do? Or is it all up to her, just like before?

Wow Steve. You have given me a lot to think about. Your post provides so much perspective. It feels like there is a lot to unpack there. I’m going to want to revisit this again I think. I think I see where I have been looking at this incorrectly. I was so blinded by the pain in the beginning.

It’s very hard to put how I feel into written form. I hope you understand what I mean when I say “I want it to work out but I’m ok if it doesn’t”. Im completely detached. But I still love her. It’s a very strange feeling.

So we are going to be living together for the next 4ish months because we are in this lease together. If she wants to sign another lease with me. I will demand work on the M and mc. Or I will not do it

I really don’t know what actions to take between now and then. Things have definitely improved since our talk. But basically she is just in a better mood around me. She is so miserable all the time she doesn’t know that it probably won’t get any better once she is on her own. Not until she finds a guy that makes her endorphins go wild and after that wears off she will be miserable again. Unless she can work on herself and find that happiness within her, I’m afraid she is doomed to repeat this cycle again and again, and that makes my heart break for her. Because I want her to be happy.

I hate to say this. But I feel like my M is such a small part of my life right now. I look forward to going to work in the morning. I worry about my son. I try (sometimes unsuccessfully) to not worry about my cancer.

What action should I be taking right now?