Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Divorce because I betrayed her trust - THREAD 4

Thanks, AS.

Rest assured I used a good quality 2x4

OK, so I should still apply the 'cool and calm' approach even at this late stage in the game. That sounds correct.

December will be the first Christmas in 8 years without her by my side. However I will be able to see my family all the time. However, my mum is already worrying about whether to send W's parents a Christmas card!

I am with you on the enablers. Yes, she has surrounded herself with people who are agreeing with what she's saying. Nobody appears to be challenging her. Might be a reason why she isn't in IC herself; she feels that since everyone agrees with her, then it's all sorted. My sister disagrees to a degree, so W has consequently distanced herself from her, which has upset my sister a lot.

I think it is normal to fall back to an extent and try to second guess what S is thinking. But I can't spend energy on this when I could put that into GAL or PMA etc. I have to keep reminding myself the following:
- I accepted I was dishonest to my W, and for a long time
- I have profound remorse for the dishonesty
- I accepted my problems and sought help
- I made her feel unloved as a result of these problems
- Whilst undeniably hurt and betrayed, W has chosen not to work on the M at this time and she must accept her decision
- I have turned things around, bettered myself and improved my overall outlook
- I have done many positive things recently rather than become depressed and inward
- She is missing out on this new me - her choice, her loss
- I am less NGS and more AMOAFWL

Cedar or redwood?



Tell her to send it. No need to compromise her own integrity for your W's sake. But she shouldn't have any expectations that she'll get one back. Send it and forget it.



Great list!

AS - felt like mahogany...

I like lists! I think summarising things like that helps. My next IC session will involve us essentially going over what we've discussed, what I understand the issues were, and check that I've not missed anything! Will be very useful.

I feel happy and sad - definitely up and down. More happy though as I GAL and do stuff. Old me would've spent hours wallowing and not progressing further.

Interesting that my W emailed me on Tuesday morning to ask about the court order/financial stuff for the D. I replied Wednesday night with some info leaving the ball in her court. She hasn't come back to me yet. It can't be that important otherwise she'd have responded already surely?

I have had a rather up and down week, mainly due to the fact that I've been advised that the D is progressing.

2019 has not been the year I imagined. January to April was lovely as usual though. May 14th - a day that will have a slight pang of sadness about it (BD day), also August 3rd (our anniversary).

I guess the positive thing about all this is that I have had to examine a lot of aspects of my personality I have not been happy with for a long time, delve into them and fix them. The unfortunate result is that my M is in serious trouble and my W has lost respect and love for me, which she held so dearly and sincerely for years. I am sad for her, and sad for myself that I didn't do certain things better. I know what I did wrong now however. I have worked on myself seriously these last five months.

Actually, I realise I don't think I've mentioned that although W 'officially' decided to get D on 29 July (her discovery of my activity was 14 May). However, on 15 May she had emailed me - a long "how could you" email - and said "We are officially separated, and will be divorced soon after." So I guess around 24 hours she decided to D.

I have no idea what will happen between myself and W further down the line. Probably best that I don't know.

GAL for now - gym tonight and tomorrow, seeing sister and the dog Saturday, and gig on Sunday with a best mate.

Yours is the fastest, most whirlwind divorce I've ever seen!

(And, ostensibly for something few would divorce over.)

Good job keeping on.


Truth. I had this same misunderstanding early on. At the time of separation, my partner shifted which friends she hung out with most, and now that we're back together, she's shifted back.

Do I get a prize?! lol

My W caught me using porn before twice. 1st time, August 2017: I forgot the change the TV channel over from when I watched a naughty channel late one night when she was away for the weekend. Genuinely, this was for a few minutes and out of curiosity. It was 1am and I was tired from work, then I just switched the TV off and went to sleep within minutes. I then got up the next morning and totally forgot I'd flicked channels. The next night whe nshe returned, she turned the TV on at 10pm to watch Family Guy, and then she saw the name of the channel...oops. She was upset but we made up before we went to bed that night. Said no more about it.

2nd time, December 2017: I had looked at some pictures on my phone on a free website and forgot to close the window. I just locked my screen. She saw them when I unlocked my phone as she was sitting next to me. She was very upset and I slept in the spare room for one night. She forgave me, but was worried that I didn't want to be married to her and thought I felt she was unattractive (I can see why she'd think that).

So yes, in the grand scheme of things, those first two instances of my getting caught I've described above were rather minor. Not justifying it at all though.

In January 2018 she told me she was still thinking about it and said she was unhappy about it all. She asked me if there was anything else she should know about. At this point I looked my W in the eyes...and lied to her. I said 'no'. I didn't tell her about the profile I had set up on a tube site and was maintaining it, contributing to it, making 'friends', messaging other users, commenting on pics etc. for years. Almost the length of our entire relationship. At this point I had not begun to message women for pics etc.

The NGS in me was rife: hide all flaws, avoid conflict, keep doing the same thing, being fearful of change and taking a step out of comfort zone. At that point, I did think I had a problem and was tired of doing it, but I just didn't reach out for help. This is what she discovered in May (forgot to close iPad down). Saw everything all at once. Everything was out in the open. She therefore felt that because of the extent of the lying (years behind her back being on sites), I didn't love her and didn't want her at all and preferred this because I was dishonest.

Another underlying issue was communication which I mentioned in parts 1/2 of my threads. She would be upset that I wouldn't "ravish her" but I felt that is not what she wanted or she gave off signals that she wasn't interested most of the time. I therefore assumed that I shouldn't be too forthright. But actually it was what she wanted. NGS again not changing, doing the same thing expecting the same results. Fear of being spontaneous.

So yeah, roughly 24hrs after that discovery in May, that was when she emailed me saying we're separated and she intended to divorce me.

Her argument is "People have divorced over things less worse than this!" She told me of a man she met at a conference who divorced his wife because she got into £3,000 of debt. Not affecting both of their finances, just her. I didn't express my thoughts on this to W (NGS again, avoid conflict/arguments) but I thought: if someone I knew got into £3k of debt, I'd just suggest she gets a second job and not eat out in restaurants for some time whilst she pays it off!

Yes I wonder what will happen regarding friend circles. My W is close to a lot of my friends but they don't live near her. She is giving up a lot of connections with some nice people.



Absolutely, thanks. I've actually surprised myself at how quickly I've turned things around.

Hey Dan

Knowing how soft you poms are I reckon you used balsa for the 2x4😂

Hhmm do you think there were other reasons your xw left? Or was it that big a deal to her because you weren’t truthful and continued with it?

Re enablers, I’d suggest they play a huge part. I think a female perspective about female enablers would go a long way. Us blokes are different when it comes to our caring angry friends and how we listen to them

Sorry you’re feeling sad buddy. How you feeling now?

Hi DS - ha maybe it was balsa then - I'm not a DIY expert!

Her other issues were that I was too passive in the R - having said that, she lasted 8 years without really discussing that - I think the main issue for her was the duplicity: I'd be nice to her whilst continuing something bad in the background. The fact that it went on for years made her think that I wanted both lives and didn't care about her full stop.

Feeling a bit better today, despite the terrible rainy weather. It is hard not to let your mind churn things over from time to time though.

Haha maybe even cork!

How have you gone about 180ing on the duplicity and passivity? Maybe collate a list of what you could do and run it past us?

Yeah rained here this morning but cleared later.

Hows gym work? Noticing any changes? Don’t forget the legs too

Glad you feel better today mate

Oh its mercury retrograde. Check your and her star signs against that and things to be cautious of. She’ll know about this if she’s still into astrology and stuff