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I'm actually the one that moved out, and he's been helping me move a bit. I didn't really take anything with me though. I did get the separation paperwork drawn up, but I will not convert it to a divorce. If he wants to turn it into a divorce, it will be up to him to turn in the final forms.

Just a little update... H is still trying to help me get moved out, but he now seems genuinely happy when I'm at the house. This is in contrast to when we first split and he barely wanted me in the house (would ask me to leave) and didn't want me to touch his stuff. Today, I was invited over after work today for family time, so we'll see how that goes.

We haven't had any arguments or R talk in almost a month, and no papers are filed yet, but we're close. There's still no signs of another woman, but H is definitely working out a lot. Right now, he says he's not interested in dating or being married ever again, but I have a hard time believing him.

I will say that despite him telling me during BD that he didn't love me and felt nothing for me, I am now 100% certain that he does have feelings towards me. Even the kids have picked up on this, which has led to some awkward moments.

We've only been separated since the beginning of September, so I'm a little surprised to see his attitude towards me change so quickly. I have no reason to think he's changed his mind on the divorce, but I'm confused nonetheless.

Is this the first time?

No. He invited me over a few weeks ago so the kids could give me a birthday party. They had presents and a cake. Today I'm going over for a holiday activity. I'm assuming H is planning activities for the benefit of the kids, but it still seems unusual.

I believe that is OK. Standard advise it to accept some, but not all invites. I would recommend on declining the next couple.

If you ever need to back out, use this:

"Something important came up. I can't make it to event13" (intentionally be vague)

Well...our family activity turned out to be mostly me hanging outside with the kids. H just sat in the house watching TV. He did come outside at one point to see what we were up to...and then he started smoking a cigarette. This is out of character for him. He used to be a smoker waaaay back when we first met, but quit years ago. The only times I've seen him smoke since then were when he was at the bar (not a frequent occurrence) and during the breakup we had prior to getting married--back then, he said he smoked because hanging out with me made him nervous. After he smoked last night, he went back in the house to watch more TV.

Later that evening, H and I had some playful banter about who was going to keep what stuff from the house. (This was not the first playful exchange we've had.)

Now I'm not sure what to make of all this. Prior to BD, I thought H was suffering from depression, but during BD he said his "depression" was just him being unhappy in the marriage and wanting a divorce. I will admit that he has seemed happier, at least initially, but now I'm not so sure. He's not keeping his house clean like he was when we first separated, he's spending lots of money on vanity items while being very frugal with necessities, he's exercising a lot but eating junk food, and now I guess he's smoking. Prior to BD he was actually trying to take up drinking (to cope with being married to me, he said) so I guess smoking is the better choice...?

I don't know if I'm reading too much into this or not, but I get the impression that whatever was affecting his mood prior to BD is still there, and now it looks like he's trying to utilize any coping mechanism he can.

Best thing you can do is give him time and space to realize you are not the source of his unhappiness. He is blaming you right now.

LR, I know you want to make sense of his actions and understand what he's thinking, but you can't. More than likely he doesn't even know why himself. He'll be all over the place in his words and actions. It'll drive you crazy trying to understand it. The more you detach and give him time and space, then the more he will pursue you and flirt and such. It doesn't mean he's changed his mind about things, it's just him trying to keep you hanging on as Plan B while he decides what he wants to do. Just leave him alone, keep contact to a minimum. Find fun things to do without him. Keep working on the weight loss. Spruce up your wardrobe if you need to. Change your hair style. It'll all make him wonder and worry and be jealous and see you as higher value then he does right now.



THAT is something you'll need to get used to. WAS's almost all behave in strange, unexpected ways that seem contradictory to their previous morals and values.



You'll never figure it out! One big lesson in DB'ing is you have to let go of the need to know "why" (why did he leave, why is he behaving this way, why won't he snap out of it).



He is blaming you for every shred of unhappiness in his life. He got beat up in the 2nd grade for lunch money and now he realizes it was all your fault, that sort of nonsense. You have to remove yourself from the equation so he can sort out the true source of his unhappiness (himself). That's the idea behind giving him time and space while you work on yourself.

Just journaling... Yesterday H helped me move some furniture into my new house. This was the first time he'd been there. He looked around, but had to leave in a hurry after he remembered he was late for an appointment. He dropped the kids off at my house later, and I spent some time taking care of maintenance items.

When I finally took the kids back to his house, H wanted to show me some some of the remodeling he's getting done. The remodel was actually one of the major points of contention we had--we could never agree on how to go about it, and the project had been stalled for about three years. Now that I'm not there, he went and hired a contractor that he specifically told me notto hire, and a lot of the changes he's making are things that I wanted in the first place, but now he thinks it's all his idea and says he never cared about who the contractor was.

H did ask where we were on the legal paperwork and mentioned some changes he wanted. Nothing major though. All the conversations were pretty light, with maybe a little playful banter thrown in.

I actually mentioned that I was going to head home not long after I dropped the kids off, and H said I didn't need to leave right then. I ultimately stayed another hour, but mostly to hang out with the kids. I'm not actually moved into my new house yet, so I don't see the kids as much as I like.

Tonight H has a class so I will be watching the kids at his house until well after their bedtime, but I won't really see him. Thursday, H actually starts therapy for his PTSD--he said he called a veteran's crisis line after we separated, and they set him up with an appointment.

LR, it's great that your H has setup an appointment with a counselor. Hopefully they will help him gain some insight into this confused mess he's made. It's not uncommon that he is doing everything opposite of what he was doing when you were together. Hiring the contractor, making progress on the remodel, etc is all just a way for his subconscious to justify that being with you was the problem and hinderance to getting things done. I'm so sorry you're going through all of this, and especially that you had to leave your kids because of the circumstances. I understand why you were the one to leave, but it doesn't make it any easier. Keep your head up and try to prepare yourself for either outcome. It's not easy to do and takes a long time. Heck, I'm still struggling with it on an hourly basis. But, if you can get to a place that you no longer "need" to be with him and you are happy without, it will make you a stronger person. Sending you lots of hugs.