I've just gone through your thread and really feel your pain. My H and your H said pretty much the same thing: eg. that the way I spoke to him was disrespectful (Im still figuring out what and how is it disrespectful).
Please take comfort that he has not taken any actions yet, so anything can happen. I like Cindy's advise to BELIEVE. A lot of people told me to just ask him to let go, a lot of people has tried to convince me not to put up with this kind of crap anymore. I also tried to convinve myself that what I am doing is a total waste of time, that H cant really make up his mind and cant let go of OW. But soemhow in my heart, I know D is not the answer and I am so reluctant to beleive that is my fate.
I am suppose to move in with H next week but the closer it gets, the harder it seems coz I can see that now he is having his doubts. After reading through your sitch, maybe I will cancel our plans coz I know tht he move in only to have him walk away again.
Take care...
Sometimes the very thing you're looking for is the one thing you can't see..
Thanks for stopping by BnB. I have been trying to catch up on your thread - will soon. It was hard having H move back in & then leave again because I was starting to get used to being alone again. It was really hard when he left this time but I think it is making it easier to detach. But then again, if he starts to come around & starts to be nice, it will be hard to not fall back in to it all again. If you think your H is not ready to live together agin then I would maybe wait. Being together gives you the chance to DB more but if he is not ready, he may be looking for trouble no matter what you do.
Actually have some positives for today:
Saw H at work. He came up to talk to me & finally promised me $ for truck pmt. Chatted for a little bit. He was nice, I stayed calm & matter of fact, didn't get emotional. When he left to go back in to work he said "I gotta go (his boss came outside), I'll talk to you again sometime." He yelled back from the door "It was good to see you".
So, I will take the interaction as positives since he has not approached me to talk in quite awhile. He mentioned that he gave cell phone back to ex OW (they were still "friends" supposedly??) so he doesn't have a phone right now. Guess she made him mad too. He said he saw his sister this weekend but is going to stay away from her for while cuz he thinks she is getting a little wild now that she is separated. I was glad to hear that because I thought maybe he was getting in to that party scene w/ her. I told him about a couple things I did around the house & he said he would have taken care of them. I just said that I am trying to take care of things on my own now.
Saw H today at work. I broke a bunch of DB rules but wondering what to think of a couple comments he made.
My biggest obstacle when I don't see or talk to him much is that I want to get a "status" check on how he is feeling towards me. I know it is wrong & I need to stop myself from doing it. When we interact more often like in the past, I think I am more patient because I know I will see him again soon.
Anyway, we talked for a bit at work. I asked him if it was okay if his mom took me to the airport since she offered & he has had a problem w/ me talking to his family. He said he was going to suggest it to me, but is trying not to be nice to me. I asked why not be nice? It makes things easier if we are nice to each other. He just smiled. I was getting ready to leave & said "well, I'll have fun on my trip in case you were wondering". He shrugged his shoulders. I said that even if we weren't together, he didn't have to hate me or not care about me at all. (I know - really bad DBing...it gets worse ) He said he doesn't hate me but the feeleing are just not there anymore. I said so you never miss me at all & he said "I live a lonely life now & try to not think about things like that." He is living w/ buddy & his fiance from work. Sounds like he doesn't go out or do much besides w/ them.
So, I don't want to grasp at straws here, but I think that he doesn't want to see or think about me because he has conviced himself that he doesn't love me anymore (ILYBNILWY) & that he is making the right decision & doesn't want to question it at all. He told me before he moved home the last time that he thought he didn't want to be w/ me but then saw me at work & stuff & realized he missed me. Guess I am looking for anything to keep me positive.
Saw him again at the end of the day & we chatted for a few minutes again. He talked about going bowling, out dancing, etc w/ his sister & friends, I asked why he never wanted to do anything like that w/ me. He said I was trying to start trouble & he doesn't want to talk to me at all anymore if I do that. I said I was not trying to start trouble just curious. Guess I should have validated his feelings.
Looking forward to vacation but will be hard since last time I went to my sister's he was w/ me & it was really fun because it was his 1st trip anywhere & we enjoyed hanging out w/ my sister & BIL. Feeling sad about it tonight. Feel detached alot but hate it when these feelings creep back in.
Everyone always says that once you are truely piecing, it is not easy, even tho all of us who want to be there think it has to be easier than where we are now... I think I am beginning to understand.
H has gone from getting ready to file & saying he has no feelings for me or interest in me to talking about how we can make this M work. He was being a d*ck a couple times (his words) when I saw him this week & then each time he called & apologized. On Wednesday, we had a nice conversation at work & he made a comment about someone wanting to date him (an ex GF) & how he has no feelings for her anymore & that he is married. I said well you said you don't have feelings for me either so I wouldn't think being married would be a problem. He started walking w/ me & put his arm around me & said he does have feelings for me but he just says he doesn't to make me mad.
He called me later at work & asked if I would want to go camping w/ him over the weekend. I said I would & he was going to come over that night to get some stuff together so we could leave after work the next day. When he came over, we decided to plan on another weekend since it was supposed to rain & he was going to have to work.
He was really sweet, like when I 1st met him. He hung out for a few hours & we talked about getting together anyway on Saturday night. He also asked me to go to a family reunion w/ him Sunday (today) I gave him a backrub & we ended up ML - that was very sweet & nice too- different somehow. He was really lovery dovey & he started talking about that he needs counseling to deal w/ why he is so determined to screw up his marriage when he loves me, etc. I talked about my mistakes too.
Saturday he was supposed to come over in the evening to do something. He ended up here later cuz he fell asleep & we stopped at his parents. He then just said he would drop me off. I was upset, since we didn't really spend much time together & he had planned to stay over but then wanted to leave, but trying not to show it. He came in & we talked & he said he would stay but after about 10 minutes said he wanted to go back to his place - he wanted to sleep in his bed. (I still dont understand how it is more comfortable than what had been his home , but said okay.) He said that he wants us to take this slow. He is afraid we will stop being nice to each other again & fall back in to the same habits. He said that he doesn't think we should just fall back in to being together everyday, him staying over all the time & then move back in before we are ready. He said he thinks we both have somw growing to do. He doesn't want either of us to get hurt again so he doesn't want to push things too fast. He actually sounded logical & mature - who is this strange person !
Today we went to the reunion. Didn't really get to talk much alone or anything. At one point when we did talk, I said "While we are working on things & seeing what happens" (I was going to ask if he was going to see other people but never got to finish the question)... He said "Now wait, we aren't just seeing what happens, we are just trying to work thru issues as they come up & learning how to communicate better".
He seems to be taking a diffrent approach this time - like he actually wants it to work. My problem is that I start having expectations too soon again. Like last night, I can't understand why he wouldn't want to stay w/ me - I take it as something is wrong instead of that he still needs some space.
When he left his parents after we got back from the reunion, he was really short w/ me like he was mad. I asked what he was gong to do now & he said "I'm leaving". I said I know but wondered what he was going to do (did he want to come over, etc). He was just kind of rude all of a sudden. I think it might have to do w/ the fact that he is mad at his sister & had things on his mind about that but I still get frustrated when he seems to take it out on me or gets moody. I don't know how to stop feeling so paranoid & worried about everything I say & do. Walking on eggshells sometimes.
I know there are alot of positives here. I just need to still detach some & not get all wrapped up in him again like I was starting to do. I tell myself that I should be happy that we are where we are now, considering he was insisting on divorce 2 weeks ago but I get anxious & want it to go back to "normal" quickly.
He said he saw his sister this weekend but is going to stay away from her for while cuz he thinks she is getting a little wild now that she is separated. I was glad to hear that because I thought maybe he was getting in to that party scene w/ her. I told him about a couple things I did around the house & he said he would have taken care of them. I just said that I am trying to take care of things on my own now.
I think I am beginning to understand.
- that was very sweet & nice too- different somehow. He was really lovery dovey & he started talking about that he needs counseling to deal w/ why he is so determined to screw up his marriage when he loves me, etc. I talked about my mistakes too.