I'm not sure I can be of much help as I'm floundering as much as you are - you can see our similarities here Help - lost all hope
I also worry about how many times can you "start to connect" and then totally "disconnect" without it becoming the final - last - time?
My plan was to become friends trying to stop the "on again, off again" interactions. I'm not sure that was such a wise decision but it seems to be working better than the other so I will wait it out and see what the results are.
I know how hard the wating to see if what you have done is "forever" or if they are just in "one of their moods". I have kept myself busy all weekend (as I knew he was working and that means no connection) but no matter how busy I am it's always in the back of my mind.
H is moved out again & pretty much wants no contact w/ me, unless of course he needs something from me, but I am not allowed to need anything from him... funny how that works. I panic because I know I need to detach & let him come to me, but I get scared that he won't. He has said before that one of the reasons he came home was because when he saw me & spent time w/ me it made him realize he wanted to be here. So, I am trying to figure out how to have some interaction with him but not pursue him.
I called the house today & he answered the phone (I was checking messages) I asked what he was doing there since he hasn't been by since he left. He said he was putting in my window air conditioner. This surprised me because I had asked if he could help me w/ a few things around the house sometime & he said no.
I thanked him & then tried to make small talk. He didn't say much but I then asked him how he was doing - he said okay. I asked how he liked living w/ his friend - he said it was okay. I then asked (I know - 2 x 4 time) if it was better than being at home. He said always. I asked if we were going to be friends & he said no. I asked why & he said because he doesn't want to be. Guess that shows me not to ask...
I called him later about some mail we got after I got home from work. Asked him a question about when he changed my oil the last time because I have to go get it done again & needed some info. He then volunteered to change it for me. Now he just called to get info about our dentist cuz he needs to make an appt.
I don't understand him offering to help me w/ things now. I hope it means he is starting to "thaw" out a little again. I have been trying to leave him alone more this week & just do my own thing. Today was the most I had talked to him in 2 weeks.
It is all so confusing. I am reading DR again. I am trying to work on me - getting back on my diet, exercising, working in the yard, etc. I know I need to back off but am afraid if I don't find reasons to talk to him, it will be out of sight, out of mind.
It just never seems to end does it! On again off again - it really gets tiresome.
I have been acting like "best friends" for awhile and it's really beginning to pay off. After not contacting me the first week he is now calling at least once a day.
So, my advise is to just go with the "friends thing". Don't ask him if you can be friends just act like one. My guy seems to like to "solve problems" and he's a lot less defensive when we are talking about something broken around the house and I'm asking for help. I think that's why your H was working on your AC. But, you shouldn't have asked if you could be friends just act like you are. I think when you ask a question they think that's relationship talk (don't ask me ask a guy I sure don't understand!) So, keep on with the "lightweight" stuff, things that need fixing, etc.and see if that's what is making him less defensive.
Thanks BF. Need all the help I can get right now. I keep screwing up & reacting - overreacting actually - to things H says. I need to leave him alone & go back to not believing everything he says. He admits he says things out of anger just to make me mad but it is still hurtful.
He said today that he will give me/accept whatever I want if I just give him a divorce. I don't know how to respond. He can't afford to get a lawyer. I think he plans on doing it himself somehow. But if it comes to that, I am going to fight for what I need which is financial support to pay off all of the debt we have accumulated together. So, we will have to have lawyers, etc & I can't afford that right now.
He wants nothing to do with me. He says I can't accept that this is over between us. I don't want to believe that it is & I think (hope ?) he will change his mind again but I don't say that to him cuz it just pushes him farther away.
I think I need to set a goal for myself to not contact him at all this week. Just get scared to lose that connection but it is obviously not working this way. It is kind of like a diet - I am strong & have alot of willpower & control early in the week, but it starts to dwindle as the week goes on. Not sure why that is...
He doesn't sound like he is very happy when I talk to him, not that he would ever admit that though. Hopefully if I give him some space he might start to miss me instead of trying to avoid me. Then I would have the opportunity to be his friend.
H is being a total jerk. He is saying that if I agree to a divorce & say it to him, he will give me whatever I want. I have always said that if he wants it, he can pay for it. I realize I will have to pay eventually but I am not doing the leg work & paying to get it started.
He said that if I will agree to a divorce then he will help me with stuff around here & help pay bills. If I don't agree, he will not make the truck pmt which is in both our names. He knows this makes me nuts because I don't want my credit to be any worse than it already is (alot because of him...)
So do I come out & say "yes, I will agree to a divorce"? I feel like I am giving up then but otherwise he is mean & acts like I am desperate because it will be my 2nd divorce. he says that on purpose cuz he knows it gets to me. He says there is no reason to fight it because he is never coming back to me. All this from the guy who loved me so much the day before he said he was moving out again, who said he would never really get divorced & we were doing so good working on things. I feel like he has such a 1 track mind right now that if I don't say yes I want a divorce then we will never have a chance to get past this. He says he just wants me out of his life for good. I told him I don't know what I did to deserve being treated like this - I never claimed to be perfect but I also know I always treated him pretty well.
Please - any input right away would be greatly appreciated.
I think ultimately what he is trying to say is that if I won't tell him that I will agree to the divorce then he will make my life hell. He asked if I would agree to the divorce & I just said "whatever". I assume I eventually have to agree to it someday, but we have been (not legally) separated for almost a year & he has never done anything but say he wants a divorce. Has never taken any action towaards it.
He now has him self convinced that we had a terrible relationship & there was never anything there. I said then why did you come back last month - he says it was only for me because I made him feel guilty - I said that is pretty hard to believe coming from a person who will rarely do anything for anyone else that he doesn't want to.
I guess I just started thinking that maybe if say I will agree to it, he will settle down now. Right now I think he has a 1 track mind about it.
The bad thing is, he is living with a guy we work with (I don't really know him at all tho) so this guy is hearing one side of the conversation - that I refuse to give him a divorce, & am being a b**ch, etc - & will tell people at work that I am desperate, etc. H is on this kick saying that I lead everyone to believe that I am so sweet & perfect, so everyone at work likes me, but I am just fooling them because I am not really like that at home. Well, I never claimed to be perfect , but I do get along with most people & am in a position to be helpful to them so people do like me because I go out of my way for them - that is part of my "make everyone happy" personality, which is good & bad.
Enough babbling. I am just so sad it has come to this. It is like he is a different person. He just keeps turning everything around. Beofre he would always back down on the divorce & start hanging around again. Before at least it went in waves - I felt that if I worked a little harder at DBing, bettering mnyself etc then there was still a chance. Right now I feel pretty hopeless.
I have read your posts and felt for you, but didn't have much advice really.
It is rally hard when the two people in a marriage have different attitudes to money and how to handle it. And it really is horrible when one gets stuck with the fallout of the other's bad handling of it.
Your H sounds very angry and immature (now where have we seen that before?? ) and is basically blackmailing you.
Personally I would stand your ground and not say things that you don't feel or agree with. But if your H wants a D and insists on it, just say "I can see what you want, and I am powerless to stop you if that's what you want. It is not what I want, but I will not fight you over it. Go ahead and do what you want."
I think you need to take steps to protect yourself financially, because in his state of mind he could do even more damage to your interests, like worsen your credit rating. You need to draw your boundaries with things like that, even if you hope for an eventual reconciliation. If you do reconcile, he will THANK you for that!
Livnlearn
PS don't respond to his taunts about how nice or not you are, ultimately, people will draw their own conclusions!
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
