Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Opinions please

It takes time. It may take a life time. So you just can´t wait for changes. We all need to make that inner voyage, face our fears and address what we have done. Each mind is a whole world...

Just do what´s best for you and your family Eden.

Thanks everyone. Trying everyday to be the best mom and person I can be. Some days are better than others, but I’m doing the best I can. You know I can tell myself it’s a MLC, don’t take it personally, a thousand times - but the betrayal I still feel is so strong. I don’t think that will ever go away. I don’t look at any humans the same way anymore.

Good evening Eden.

I understand what you mean about not looking at any people the same way again. This does change your world view.

I never thought I'd understand this feeling of betrayal, but I do. But I also see people so much more completely now. For example, I have this great coworker. She's awesome. And she has been divorced twice, and is now marrying the love of her life (her words). I don't know the details of her first two marriages, but I get the sense that at least one of them was not healthy. I don't know about the other. But the absolute glow she has now that she has found her current relationship is amazing. It literally feeds all of us in the office because it's not fake and it's not "in your face". It's just someone who found their path and we are all so happy for her.

This, in turn, is feeding all of us who work with her.

But I don't think for one second her happiness now isn't still full of a little bit of the pain she endured in her previous marriages. She still carries the authenticity of them with her, and they made her that much more grateful for what she has worked for and has now.

My intent isn't to make this an "it gets better" kind of post, because that's not what I'm trying to say. What I'm trying to say is that I don't know that other people see her past as clearly as I do - because her past looks a lot like my current. And I see her as this complete person who has felt the highest love and the deepest pain. And for ME to witness this is a n amazing experience, because before I think I would have been glib about her happiness. I would have dismissed it. But I think we have connected in part because she feels "seen" for her happiness. I see her as a whole person, not just some coworker.

My point then, I suppose, is that the changing world-view might not be a terrible thing. I understand the loss of innocence. But we do gain something to balance that side of the coin. Just my thoughts for the evening.

Interesting question.

My simple answer is no. In fact some people only notice a turnaround in their spouses after they have let them go fully. here you are encouraged to treat them AS IF you are not standing and moving FORWARD with your life. Again that sentence is loaded and could take a page to ouline, but as you say you have read a lot and job has put up a lot of links, I won't expand on it.

But this is a complicated issue, so it warrants further expication. Your choice to stand or not stand is one aspect of moving forward. But as important if not moreso is HOW you do that. I'll focus on not standing as that is your case. In that case going to war with the WAS will only add petrol to their burning fire of contempt for you. The more they continue to get burnt the more it's your fault and they never get to see passed that. There are other behaviours/actions that can be considered by the WAS as unforgivable. Some of these are unavoidable and they will take offence just because you don't roll over and let them have whatever they want. But others are not necessary and is often about how you interact with them rather than why you interact. Being non agressive is always better than angry and bitter. Better for the LBS too, but that is another story.

IMO, the best thing to do is to find the right balance that works for YOU. Avoid whatever aggrevates the WAS (within reason!!). In a nutshell, go on with your life and leave them to theirs. No inteferring. No judging, No complaining and no close interest. When you are out of the equation they are free to realise it isn't/wasn't you. After that each WAS and each situation is different and the time involved is not predicatable, though always longer than we first imagine. And yes some get stuck and never do emerge the other side. The presence of OW may prolong things as he is distracted. Some stubbornly continue a poor R with OW because they have already tried changing and it hasn't worked! A few may actually find happiness. But Many begin to ask themselves deeper questions if their OW solution fails. Those questions can help them see the situation fully and if they face them, they can come out of it............. with time

As for your later point about betrayal, hurt and the fact that it's a mlc and not them. Nothing changes the facts of what they do/did. NOTHING. So your feelings of hurt/betrayal etc are understandable and even normal. Treating them as if the mlc is an illness and not fully their fault is IMO used to help change the LBS viewpoint. By understanding as much as possible what is mlc and why they do what they do can help us. It isn't about giving a free pass on any bad behaviour or forgiving them as it isn't their fault. That would be too simplistic and frankly too easy for the MLCer.

Here is my insight to the onsought of a M crisis and I restate it is just my opinion. The WAS has reached a point where they are so miserable in their life that they just cannot stand it any longer. It is unbearable. Typically the LBS gets the focus of the blame for this situation and certainly bears the brunt of the lashback. That's when the hard to forgive stuff starts. But rewind a bit, imagine being that unhappy that you cannot think straight. Every single interaction frustrates you and further enhances your resolve that this situation cannot continue. You are always fed up, angry, upset, depressed, lonely and self pitying. Honestly is is unbearable and frankly not a way to live.

The unwravelling of a M/R to get to this point is a long process and both parties have full reponsibiliy. Often it is reactions to reactions to other reactions that get inbuilt subconsiously that the memory of a precedent transgression is linked to the slightest hint of an unwanted interaction. It is a viscious circle that is often unseen at least not clearly until the contempt and resentment have built up to a level too high to cope with. We go into marriages unprepared and that is a sad truth. Unfortunately it takes a M crisis for most people to realise this.

Now even in the throws of depression/M crisis/MLC the LBS makes choices. I honestly believe they are doing the best they can handling a terrible situation for them. But as you can testify,it doesn't help eliminate the aftermath and conséquences of such décisions.

However I urge you to dig deeper into this and try to work on your feelings of betrayal. Not to excyse the behaviour but so its negative impact on you are reduced as much as possible.

Best wishes