Had a long think about this and I can't help but see other signs that show she isn't genuine. I don't want to ruminate on the details. I got surprised and once again you all here have grounded me.
I've taken off the ring and plan to go back to where I was last week. I consider DB to have cooled a bit this week.
I feel slightly angry and disappointed in myself that I allowed myself to be more attached and to gain hope from her words. But that hope has quickly faded. I know I can focus and get back to DB and continuing my GAL (which hasn't stopped). I feel stronger than ever.
My wife has taken off her ring but I continue to wear mine. I'm wearing it because I'm still committed to our marriage even if there is nothing I can do at the moment to change the situation. This is her issue to deal with.
It's obviously up to you but going back and forth doesn't show strength and tbh it quite likely doesn't matter to her at this point anyways. However, if she comes through maybe she'll appreciate that you didn't waver and went on handling your own business.
Just my thoughts.
H 37 W 31 S 2
T: 7 M: 4
BD 12/18 Separated 2/19 Living back together 04/06/2019 W Moved out again 07/15/2019
Wearing your ring is a personal choice. I took mine off because a marriage cant be upheld when only one person respects the vows. Thats my view though. Once my EXWW cheated on me she was no longer my wife. I spun badly at first but I decided it was a dealbreaker. I went dark and eventually she filed. But she temp checked a lot. She tried to get me to stay in the home after divorce. What a joke.
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
Josh - I agree with jac12. Decide on your position but then stick with it. I also choose to wear mine, even though I have seen W waffle on her side. The last thing I want to do is make my decision based on what she is doing.
I feel slightly angry and disappointed in myself that I allowed myself to be more attached and to gain hope from her words. But that hope has quickly faded. I know I can focus and get back to DB and continuing my GAL (which hasn't stopped). I feel stronger than ever.
I can understand why you feel angry and disappointed, but there's no reason to give up hope! You ARE seeing some positive signs from her and you should find hope in that! Just temper your expectations is all we're saying. You're in this for the long haul.
Yeah im not sure. She wore a proxy ring today (non-wedding ring on ring finger). One side of me wants to be hole about it. I'll wear a ring when I have a full and committed marriage. Other side says wear it since I was unwavering with it on for 9 months since BD. I'm just angry that she hasn't fully demonstrated a desire to come back. In any event, tomorrow is her bday at her parents. I'll wear it and see.
Regarding my IC. That's finished. Over a year now and we agreed all she is good for now is fine tuning. I was a depressed, emotionally neglectful partner when I started IC. Now I'm a much different person. I'm super happy even though I'm not satisfied with my sitch and much more emotionally balanced. This forum is certainly the gap for fine tuning so despite a few mistakes outlined here, IC not necessary at this point.
Since I put my mouth in it, I realize I can't just resume a hard line. What I will do is wait until we have a private dinner (this w/e) and when she talks about R (I know she will), I'll ask "what does getting back together look like to you? To me it doesn't look like anything has changed and that's not enough for me". Certainly communicates my feelings but doesn't pursue. Yet implies what could happen if nothing changes. If she doesn't bring up R I have no choice but to say this. Because I owe her respect if I am going to pull back.
Let's see what happens. She said today she felt loved around me. No kissing but big words that hasn't been said for a while.
On the GAL front I went to a comedy show where I was the only audience member (long story) and today I did volunteer work. If it scares me I'm forcing myself to do it.
NGS: I caught myself twice thinking about acting nice. I didn't. And today I was slow to respond to her emails and sms about something I told her by email already a week ago. Normally I'd come home and apologize and she'd get upset at me but I said nothing and she wasn't mad. At least that's respect.
Regarding my IC. That's finished. Over a year now and we agreed all she is good for now is fine tuning. I was a depressed, emotionally neglectful partner when I started IC. Now I'm a much different person. I'm super happy even though I'm not satisfied with my sitch and much more emotionally balanced. This forum is certainly the gap for fine tuning so despite a few mistakes outlined here, IC not necessary at this point.
Awful, horrible, terrible decision. This is akin to someone with mental illness saying: "I feel great since I started taking my meds, so I am going to stop taking my meds!" Happens all the time. Guess what the result is? Their mental illness comes back in spades.
Stay in IC. You need it now more than ever. If that IC isn't working for you, find one that does. I tell people all the time, you need to find an IC THAT WORKS. Preferably you would find one that is experienced with NGS. I think the No More Mr. Nice Guy website has resources for finding such an IC.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I understand the rationale to stay in IC. I haven't provided my full history here, only what is relevant to DB. I stand by the opinion that IC at this point can go on hold. That isn't to say it's completely off the books, and I don't have work to do (I definitely have more to to). It's just not required to regular. I appreciate the NGS issues and through mindfulness I've been a lot more aware and stopping the instinct. I'll see how things go over the next few months and re-evaluate.
On that note, things have taken a dramatic change since W said she wants to be back together. Here are some things that have happened:
W continues to talk about being together and our future
W came back from a dinner with a friend saying the friend was happy for her now that we are back together
W behavior has been respectful and consistent. Accepting of differences, something I haven't seen in years
W more affectionate, lots of kissing
W talks about how she and kids can participate in some of my GAL activities
We had a date night and it ended up with sex (She made an effort to look hot, what a turn on! How could I not initiate?)
W slept in MBR for the first time and said happy to continue for weekends (I wake up too early for work and I'm fine with that for now)
W seemed to accept that I snore and said that's OK, happy to sleep in MBR
W said I've been really nice to her in the last month and it's a turn on (Talk about rewriting history. I've actually been DB'ing hard the last month and I've been mostly distant due to GALing. Funny that!)
W expressed desire for a third child. I said you've forgotten the "hell" we had with each child but in concept yes, I agree. But we must focus on our relationship first. Let's talk about it again in a few months and if it makes sense agree on how we ensure it won't jeopardise our relationship.
W likes the idea of more date nights and trying new things (my idea)
I find myself totally attracted to W in a way I haven't felt since early on. No NGS resentment or passive agression
OK, I get it, it's only been two weeks and yeah, I caved too quick to get back together. But I just can't see how all these behaviors can be faked. In IC I talked about the improvements from W and it was agreed she's seeing my change and she positively reacts.
It's still too early to say we are firmly in piecing stage. I feel if it's like this in a month, as Sandi says, she will have demonstrated consistency. But fo now things have taken a turn for the better and without a doubt DB is the catalyst that took us there.
