Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis New: Advice needed

thanks Babe. I am really trying hard to detach and love from a distance. He has stopped picking fights and blaming me since I found out about ow and following me around I think is because he needs to talk but doesn’t know what to say. he keeps asking me what he should do still, should He leave or not etc etc I think because of my new behaviour he is expecting me to beg and thinks I’m not bothered. He is also indecisive.

Also, he asked for a hug this morning and reached out to hold my hand. I hugged him and held his hand for a minute while he shed a few tears but made sure I pulled away first. I wondered if I shouldn’t have done but then could have appeared cold.

Westo, that’s really comforted me, thank you. I have since poured all wine down the sink. I think I have cleared my chest now. I was so sure too that after weeks of doing well that I had now pushed him closer to her.

Also, an odd question but should I be doing his laundry still or not anything like that at all? Or should I let all that go too.

K

You are acting kindly to him, as you would a friend. That is fine. As for asking whether he should leave or not, I wouldn’t even respond.

As for the laundry, remember, for now, you have been sacked as his wife, so no I wouldn’t do his laundry etc.

He’s big enough and ugly enough to do it himself!

Kirsty,

He has to make the decision as to whether he stays or not. He may pick another fight w/you or do something to truly aggravate you to the point that you'll say leave...don't do it. No matter what, bite your tongue. He isn't strong enough to just walk away and he needs that validation and/or excuse to do so.

Listen, listen and listen to what he says. If you listen closely, you will be able to pick through some of the garbage he's saying and get to the root of his issues. They love to chatter and you want to see what is truly on his mind.

I would treat him as a roommate and be kind when he's around, but you do not need to tell him about your every move or what you are doing. You want to be a bit mysterious to give him something to think about.

Try to remember, at this time, you have been fired as his wife.

You doing great and you are exactly where you need to be. If you find yourself getting anxious, sit quietly and the answers will come.

Thanks Westo, I have left the laundry etc.

Job, thanks for your guidance. we managed to have a conversation and he broke down in tears talking about his childhood and being unloved/unwanted whereas his sisters were put on a pedestal. He was always bought second hand clothes/toys whereas his sisters had new etc etc

He has achieved quite a lot in life and his parents have never told him how proud they are of him or that they loved him. Ever. He has been back in touch with counselling and is arranging to go back when we return from our holiday. I hope he does.

the oddest part though is that he seems to almost think he can just pick up where we left off in May before all this. Tying to hold my hand, asking for constant cuddles. Stroking my leg etc etc when we are sat next to each other. Maybe this is a phase. He said yesterday that he thinks making this work would be best but it was said sort of in a casual non heartfelt way. I didn’t ask him to repeat what he said and didn’t push to dig further.

And knowing how to respond to the physical touching, flirting is even harder!

K

It is way too early. He is still cake eating.

I had an early reconciliation and it lasted 3 weeks before the flood gates opened....again.
My W used that exact phrase.....thinking reconciliation would be "best" for everyone. It was obvious at the time it was half hearted. She couldn't look me in the eye and say it was what she actually wanted.

You hold the cards for YOUR future. If he truly wants to make it work, it will take a long time of consistent behaviors and actions. Do what's best for you and live as if you're on your own and watch from the sidelines.

Thanks Hamburg, I thought as much!

Tough to know how to handle the sudden change in behaviour and him thinking that I should be all over him suddenly.

Think I need to set some boundaries........

K

UM - him breaking up with the OW with you also on the phone to hear it would be a start.

You are right kml! Will get through my 2 weeks holiday and have fun with the kids then deal with it when we return.

K

Hi all,

So after a positive few days it has just all kicked off again due to a stupid action I made on the night I found out about the ow.

H has just found out that I transferred some money to my account in case he backed out of the holiday to make sure I had enough to still give the kids a good time. We don't have joint accounts.

I have put it back but obviously this is a great excuse now as to why we don't work etc etc......why the relationship is doomed etc

I have apologised and explained that I did it out of anger and the fact that he was out spending on hotel rooms really angered me.

Shall I carry on and hold my head up as normal? continue GAL and detaching etc

I don't want to lose hope and have had a great few days. We have actually had normal conversations and talked about fun memories from the past. We have also discussed some of the issues in the relationship which led to the affair. All of which we both agree on were both our faults.

I think he thinks he now has the upper hand though and control over our situation.

K

You have apologized and explained why you transferred the funds over to your account and now have returned them to his account. Nothing more needs to be said about this incident.

Continue as you have been and don't let this little bump in the road ruffle your feathers any more than it already has. You have a vacation coming up...keep moving forward and enjoy your time away w/your children.

Yes, he may think he has the upper hand for now...but the bottom line is you are the one walking on stable ground. He's walking on sand that will shift constantly until he faces his demons from years ago.