Sandi that is great advise on determining your self worth and applying the STOP SIGN during negative emotional dialog on our minds and choosing our moods..Slowly I'm learning to conscientiously turn it off, and choose to be happy. Thank you for this wonderful explanation.
If I had a nickel for every time someone on here said their sitch was different I would be a millionaire. Do not break DB rules because you think your sitch is different.
99% of the WWs on here are in a crisis and are walking away because they’re unhappy.
Sandi thank you for that. BTW. I have struggled my entire life with finding my own self worth. It’s process I need to get started on ON ANOTHER NOTE
I DID IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So we are grocery shopping. It’s 10 pm. S is crying about a toy. Cart is loaded and heavy and W starts getting snappy cause she is tired and stressed. She starts huffing and puffing and it ALMOST gets me down. Then it’s like all your advice hit me. And her mood had NO AFFECT on me!!!! I just smiled and was helpful and controlled S and was upbeat and happy. I just checked out of her mood swing.
It was a relief. It just passed me by and I didn’t get drug into it.
It was like she needed me to step up because she couldn’t figure out what groceries to buy. She looked like she was about to cry
I just kept my good vibes goin and upbeat and she didn’t even stay upset. It’s like she couldn’t because I was happy and didn’t sink with her
10 min later she was back on track.
She really seems to be having a mid life meltdown. I feel bad for her. Maybe someday she will see the excellent man I’m becoming and realize she can lean on me. Until then I will just have to love her quietly from a distance.
Oz - that is a great update. It's those little victories you can build on, and repeat. All of this DB stuff doesn't really make any sense until sometimes little things click and you suddenly get it.
If I had a nickel for every time someone on here said their sitch was different I would be a millionaire. Do not break DB rules because you think your sitch is different.
99% of the WWs on here are in a crisis and are walking away because they’re unhappy.
THIS
New LBSs need to understand this. I often leave this out of my sitch, but when my eyes were opened to the fact that my W was unhappy, and she was doing what she was doing trying to be happy, that's when DBing became easier. If the LBS loves their WAS the way they should, then they want their WAS to be happy......NO MATTER WHAT! Even if that means the WAS has to walk away!! Our society is so selfish today that we LBSs often want our WAS to stay even if that means they are unhappy, depressed and even angry. What the LBS fails to realize is that is no way to live....for either one of you (or even the kids)! The truth is sometimes it takes walking away for the WAS to realize that the LBS is not the source of their unhappiness. That s why there is so much wisdom in: LET THEM GO TO GET THEM BACK!
And oz, and your last update, awesome work! Emotional detachment works, and that is why it is so important.
However, a bit of a 2x4. You were grocery shopping together at 10pm last night? But you can't find time to GAL??
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Lol Steve your right about that being a strange time for groceries. Old country habits die hard. Groceries used to be an all day affair. When it took almost 2 hours to get to a grocery store so you bought in BULK. lol we still do that even though the store is down the road
As to your second point. I told her the both of BD. “I want you to be happy, I think we should work on it and we have a shot at something great here but I want you to be happy. I will always be there for you and I will always have your back If it’s over it’s over and we had a good run. But babe I really want to work on it”
That’s what I said to her night of Bd. Was this good or bad?
I do love her enough to let her be happy somewhere else with someone else.
That doesn’t mean I want that. But that is the love I have for her. I meant it when I said it to her.
If all that can survive is our friendship than so be it. She is my best friend
But I WANT her to be my wife
On your first point you quoted. Someone on here TAKA or someone on here said my sitch MAY be different. It’s possible because she does not seem wayward. Her behavior doesn’t add up. Sandi thinks this is possible too. That she just may be in a funk.
She doesn’t neglect the family or house duties. She is just really stressed out. Like a lot
Does this mean she is not WW. No. I’m just saying my sitch seems different. Doesn’t it?
You might not be in LRT mode yet but other than that your sitch is no different than many. My XW was not mean to me either or overly disrespectful but she was done.
No one here knows what your wife is thinking. Some are done, some are scared, some have left a crack in the door open if the LBS plays his cards right. Some are also done but when they realize the OM is a POS they come back to their H.
Either way that actions you take are no different than what everyone has been telling you for the last several days. Give her space, don't pursue, don't act weak and needy. Work on improving yourself, work on your 180's. BE happy, confident, pleasant and upbeat. Validate and listen.
Agree with TB. Most LBSs come here thinking "my sitch is unique. DBing techniques can't work!" It is usually an excuse to avoid doing that which is counter-intuitive. But here is the thing: GAL, detachment (self-differentiation) and 180s should be part of a healthy MR!! The opposite is to not have a life (being dull and boring), being codependent, and never improving yourself. That is a recipe for disaster.
If more spouses DB'd before BD there would be much fewer BD.
So even if she comes back and wants to R.....keep DBing!!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
