You don't have to ask him to find out who she is. You can check his phone records, the number will probably be obvious. The you can use reverse lookup or have a friend call the number on a pretense.
Reconciliation is a thought for another day. I know, you have three kids and a lot invested so of course you hope for a reconciliation. But take good stock of the relationship and get real clear on what you would need from him before taking him back. I suspect once you have some time away from him you'll start to see the unhealthy things in your relationship more clearly.
He does everything through WhatsApp (even calls) so there are no suspicious phone records unfortunately and he's got the thumb scan on his phone so I would really have to go snooping while he is asleep.
You are right, I would need change from him to reconcile and that is thought for another time.
I am doing well on focusing on me and the children. We were due to buy the house we rent in September and he thought I wouldn't be able to without him but I have told him that my plans will not change and I am still buying the house - without him.
Don't buy the house unless you are POSITIVE it's a good financial move for you.
First of all - isn't half the down payment his? What if he takes that money?
Second - what if he flakes out and loses his job it doesn't pay child support? Will you lose your home to foreclosure?
Third - property prices are very high in many places, renting might be the better financial option. Home ownership has many hidden costs. Will you be able to afford unexpected things like a new water heater, new furnace, roof repairs? There are calculators where you can see ifvrenting or buying is the better deal in your area.
Fourth - if you don't reconcile and end up in a new relationship in a few years, will you be able to rent the house out for the payments taxes and repairs?
Don't be emotional about the decision. You might not qualify for a mortgage on your own anyway.
If your H is in MLC, I do not agree with KML. I think KML is correct if your H was always like this and you are just now realizing it. But if he had a massive change from who you know before and you know he is in MLC, there is no point in doing anything but setting boundaries and keeping your goal in mind. Your goal in MLC is to let him go and try to live your life as best as you can on your own, expecting nothing from him. He will do many horrible things and there is absolutely nothing you can do or say that will influence him in any way. Snooping will change nothing and will add to his misperception of you -- and most importantly, will make you despair. Believe us, we've all been there. The best is to keep letting it go, giving it to God or the universe, and trying to rebuild your life on your own. If he comes to his senses and wants to return, you can decide then if you can do it. Read through Nyla's thread, we've all given some good counsel on that line there.
As far as the lack of protection you have because you are not married, I think a good lawyer can make a case for you -- or at least for your children.
Don't despair!
I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord with courage. Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
He's been using WhatsApp for years, it's only the pst few months he has become obsessive. Keeping it on him at all times etc which led me to be suspicious before BD.
In the UK we have a rent to buy scheme. We rented the house as a new build 5 years ago this September and can apply to buy this year. I have checked and I can still go ahead with this alone. We live in a desirable area so renting it out down the line or selling it on would be very profitable and it would be a great investment.
I have the deposit myself in full as I started my own business this year which is going steady. It seems the other areas of my life are doing well, and its my relationship failing.
I do agree Gerda, that snooping will change nothing and likely hurt me even more.
I will take a look at Nyla's thread. He's just come home so I'll go off for now......
Gerda - my point was, he's shown signs much earlier in the relationship - not marrying after the first, or second, child. Threatening to leave her during arguments. This is NOT a great guy who is just going through a temporary crisis, this is someone who had big issues long before. And sometimes you can only see how badly they were affecting your own life once they are gone.
He has shown issues long before this. Anger is the big one, he blows up and says awful things. Right now is calling me arrogant and that he doesn’t want to come on holiday due to my new attitude etc and that is why he doesn’t want to stay here with me. Everything conveniently being my fault.
He has zero patience and is pushing all my buttons for a fight right now, so I’ve walked away rather than speak out. If there is ow I wanted to address it as otherwise he will leave the relationship thinking he has gotten away with it.
Gerda, I agree with you though also. I don’t know what to do for the best. It would lead me to despair but I would know truth as right now he is making me out to be psychotic.
He's gaslighting you. He made up his mind to leave before all this but is now trying to find a way to make this your fault. That way he can lessen his guilt about leaving his family.
Also, though he wants to leave (likely to be with an OW) he also wanted you to be pining for him at home so he has a Plan B in case things don't work out with the OW. By being strong you are depriving him of having his cake and eating it too.
Are you going on holiday to visit family? If not, do you have a sibling or good friend you can invite to go with you so you and the kids still have a good time?
