Wow! I want to know which wardrobe you’ve been hiding in!!!! I could’ve walked years ago but couldn’t leave her and the kids. There’s some great advice there! I know there’s rose tinted goggles, I just don’t want to break up the family.
WAWs, and WWs in particular, like to cake eat. They like to be able to do whatever they want and still get all the benefits of having a husband. Start to break that. Start to show her what life without you will look like.
Steve, what is your advice on breaking the habit of giving your W the benefits of having a husband when it is a 180 that you need to prove that you have changed? I think a ton of us on the forum struggle with this.
Wow! I want to know which wardrobe you’ve been hiding in!!!! I could’ve walked years ago but couldn’t leave her and the kids. There’s some great advice there! I know there’s rose tinted goggles, I just don’t want to break up the family.
AS is dead on here. I was the same way. Leading up to BD I thought about leaving and Ding her quite often. Then she BD'd me and I went into desperation mode.
Here is the thing. If you are not careful you'll be right back to that. If your W came to you today and said "I am sorry, let's fix this." would you be content with going back to where things were pre-BD? I hope not.
How many of these things can you check off the list:
- Are you in IC? -Are you GAL? As in out doing things with other people or alone anytime you are not spending time with the boys? -Have you talked to a D lawyer to make sure you understand what is involved and how you should be preparing? -Are you actively working on detachment? Not just talking about it. Thinking about it. But actually striving to detach as much as possible? -Are you reading as much as you can, trying to improve yourself? Not for her or the MR but for yourself?
Gomez, like I said, I was a lot like it sounds like you were. IC was so important to help cement my changes. To change my thinking so that I could be healthy enough to understand why I behaved the way I did, and how to really change it.
This is the opportunity to be the best Gomez you can be. For yourself. For your boys. And for your next R, whether that is with your W or someone else.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
- Are you in IC? Yes- my therapist has been amazing
-Are you GAL? As in out doing things with other people or alone anytime you are not spending time with the boys? Kind of. I go out for drinks with friends. Play PlayStation at home. Go to the gym but to be fair when I get home from work, do the housework she hasn't, make a meal there's not an awful lot of time let for anything else.
-Have you talked to a D lawyer to make sure you understand what is involved and how you should be preparing? Yes
-Are you actively working on detachment? Not just talking about it. Thinking about it. But actually striving to detach as much as possible? Does that mean admitting i still want to have sex with her, rubbing her feet or back, worrying about where she's with, who's she's with, who she's messaging etc? If yes then I'm doing great But seriously no, I'm doing all those things, I really need to work on this.
-Are you reading as much as you can, trying to improve yourself? Not for her or the MR but for yourself? Reading not very much ( suggested material would be greatly appreciated). Improving myself- absolutely. I got new clothes in styles I never tried, going to the gym, trying to correct all the traits she said she never liked.
WAWs, and WWs in particular, like to cake eat. They like to be able to do whatever they want and still get all the benefits of having a husband. Start to break that. Start to show her what life without you will look like.
Steve, what is your advice on breaking the habit of giving your W the benefits of having a husband when it is a 180 that you need to prove that you have changed? I think a ton of us on the forum struggle with this.
This is where I like to use the analogy of a car.
When you have a car that is running properly, it is important to do routine maintenance. Keep it clean. Change the oil and filters. Rotate the tires. If you fail to do the routine maintenance, eventually you will have a breakdown. Once you have a breakdown, doing the routine maintenance become superfluous. If your engine is blown, what good will it do to change the oil?
Your MR is like that. Doing routine maintenance can help you avoid BD. After BD doing routine maintenance doesn't help anything and is in fact a waste of time. So while it seems intuitive after BD to start doing the things you should have done before (hugging, communicating better, 5 LLs, etc), it isn't going to help at that point. It is too late for those tactics.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Thanks for all the advice so far. A bit more advice needed please. Last night she went out with friends. She was driving so didn't drink. When she got home, I was in the hot tub chilling and she joined me. We ended up having sex in the hot tub. She said afterwards she worries its giving me false hope but tbh I just enjoyed the sex for what it was. My question is really that is probably the polar opposite of detaching- should I be saying no? She was up and out for work this morning so I haven't seen her, but I just intend to not mention it when she gets hone, if she mentions it, play it down. Thoughts please?
I could’ve walked years ago but couldn’t leave her and the kids. There’s some great advice there! I know there’s rose tinted goggles, I just don’t want to break up the family.