Faith - a couple thoughts though forgive me for not knowing your full sitch. This is based only on your most recent post.
1) On W during this difficult time: I think it was good of you to validate and listen to her feelings during this incredibly difficult time. You're right to acknowledge how much this is affecting her. However, I'd be wary of trying to puzzle piece this tragedy into her own crisis or depression. Her step father's death may very well do NOTHING to "bring her back", and you should not set yourself up for disappointment by thinking that might happen. These things aren't so linear. A tragedy may have affected someone else's spouse on this board, but that in no way means it has anything to do with your own sitch. Just be careful with this thinking.
Regarding the funds, you know her sitch better than I. Is there any reasonable way for her to "make it work" financially? If you don't think it will harm her long term I don't think a GENTLE nudge or encouragement to tend to her mom is a bad thing. More like a suggestion, or just offering again to help out with the kids in any way that alleviates her stress. You are right that you can't make her attend. But in this situation an offer is appropriate IMO.
2) Regarding a family member being an attorney: If it's not too much of a strain for you financially I agree that a non-family member assisting you may be best long-term. Maybe not financially, but you're right that involving family can get messy in ways we don't anticipate. Maybe your new job offers an Employee Assistance Program through the benefits? Some of these offer free initial consults, which is a great way to start off working with an attorney and save a bit of money.
That certainly stings. But again, nothing surprising from a person in MLC. Landmark dates, holidays, etc... have absolutely no meaning to them during this time. She is in a teenage mindset and it may just be a way of acting out to get back at you. Remember, in her mind you caused all of this because she has suppressed her inner demons and projected them onto you. In reality you didn't cause any of it. Remember that throughout this process, because you are nowhere close to the end. These scars will eventually help you to become a much stronger person. Stay strong and keep doing as you are doing.
That certainly stings. But again, nothing surprising from a person in MLC. Landmark dates, holidays, etc... have absolutely no meaning to them during this time. She is in a teenage mindset and it may just be a way of acting out to get back at you. Remember, in her mind you caused all of this because she has suppressed her inner demons and projected them onto you. In reality you didn't cause any of it. Remember that throughout this process, because you are nowhere close to the end. These scars will eventually help you to become a much stronger person. Stay strong and keep doing as you are doing.
So I went to the court house Friday to get some information on what I need to do. The court clerk told me that the case was never filed with them. It doesn't exist. Not sure what that means except maybe she is having second thoughts.
The case not being filed could mean one of three things: either the lawyer hasn't had the time to file or he/she is out of town and will file when they get paid or have the time to file; and/ or your wife has requested that it be held in the lawyer's office until further notice. Whatever the reason, continue moving forward.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I agree with job. Most of us have been in your shoes. I went through this thing recently and did an early reconciliation. It was catastrophic. The children and I relived the horror of breakup twice. Everyone wants their situation to be different; I did too. Truth is, until you see months-years of consistent behaviors and clarity, this is nowhere close to an end. You may see brief moments of niceness and clarity, but they are only self-serving for her. My W did something similar to yours--pausing during any legal proceeding. A few weeks later I was in court because her attorney hadn't been paid and I was sued for her Atty fees. You must stop letting your mind wander and head your own direction--without her. Its hard to hear, but you will keep hurting yourself if you don't.
Hi everyone. It's been a while since I've been on the thread. I have been living life... Working 2 jobs, trying to spend time with my kids, etc. The jobs are really taking up most of my time. I'm hoping to leave the PT job soon. I am also coming up on 7 months of sobriety. I hope to be able to spend more time on the forums soon.
Anyways, today I'm looking for some advice, insight, etc.
Just to give a quick recap, my wife has been in replay for over 2 years. She stopped being mean and nasty to me about 8 months ago. She seems much more settled over the last few months. She even seems calm. It is also very obvious that she is dealing with bouts of deep depression. She did file for divorce in July. I almost get the feeling that she is reconsidering that. I find that she is glancing at me when I don't think she is looking. She is also helping more with the household chores. Last Friday we talked. It was the first meaningful conversation that we've had in over a year. We didn't accomplish much but it was nice to talk. She told me of all of my past mistakes and I just let her talk. It almost seemed like she was opening up the door to reconciliation.
I want to believe that she is starting to consider reconnection. The only problem is that her online ea partner is still in the picture do I know it can't be reconnection. The ea doesn't seem as if it is as active as it once was. They are not making as many public comments to each other as they used too. At this point I still know the ea to be online only because he lives in another country. There is still no evidence of a pa.
My questions are: is it possible for her to be coming out of replay, even when the ea is still going on?
Could she be trying to reconnect?
Does anyone have experience with online ea? How long do they last? Do they end quickly or slowly?
Any other insight, as always, is greatly appreciated.
As long as the EA is still in the picture, I would consider her still in replay. EA's are more difficult to break because they invest more of their emotional energy outside their marriage but also receive emotional support and companionship from the new relationship. The affair can last 6 months, two years or longer, but it depends on the dynamics of the parties involved. I am going to suggest that you may want to do some research on the net and look up emotional affairs to get a better understanding of why they are called "affairs of the heart". The affair, whether it is physical or emotional, has to die a death on its own and usually it is a slow one.
Her behavior sounds like she's settling down quite a bit and considers you a "safe" place to land, i.e., friend. You will see that many of the MLCers will settle down once the anger is gone and just as long as you don't rock the boat or put pressure on her, she will remain friendly and have many moments of clarity along the way. In fact, they can become very friendly and people tend to jump to the conclusion that they are actually doing the major reconnecting. Unfortunately, that is not the case in many instances. Until the affair partner is gone, true reconnection will not take place.
I did notice that she's still pointing the finger at you for all of your past mistakes. This is still her way of justifying why she's doing or has done what she did. I'm glad you listened and are keeping the door ajar for her.
One last thing, true reconnection will work in reverse of how she entered the crisis. You will be the last person that she actually reconnects with. She will reconnect with family, friends, co-workers and begin to slowly reconnect with you.
I would suggest that you continue as you have been and show her that you are the prize. Show her that you and your home are safe places to land.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
There were a few other things I forgot to mention.
The first thing is that my doctor put me on 2 medications before I stopped drinking. One for high blood pressure and one for high blood sugar. I don't need the meds anymore since I stopped drinking. She told me she found the meds and looked up what they were for. She said she was concerned about my health because she wants the kids to have a father. Unfortunately she also found Viagra that I have been experimenting with for Ed. I haven't been with anyone. I am just trying to find the right med so one day if my marriage is restored... Well I think you get the idea. She made a comment about finding that. I told her why it was there. I'm not sure if she believed me.
Also about 2 weeks ago she told me that she found the interior light of my car on so she shut it off. She said she didn't want the battery to die.
