AS, thank you. You are right that I should count my blessings that my wife is not abusing me like many of the other spouses here. I need to remember this!
I really am trying to GAL and detach. I am definitely giving her much more space. Every night, I tuck the kids into bed, and then I go to the MBR and read. She has all day and night to herself now. The only time we hang out is when I get home from work where we cook together and eat dinner as a family. I hope this gives her the space she needs, but I am scared that the "space" she is requesting isn't really about fixing herself, but is instead just to get me away from her. We have so much to be grateful for, I can't believe this is the life that she wants.
I will not give up on her or my marriage. So, I will give her the space she needs, while keeping love in my heart for her. It is so tough not to get angry at how I am being treated. But, I continue to pray that God gives me the love, wisdom and discipline necessary to win my W's love back.
Detaching is hard!! Last night my wife was upset that my mom doesn't answer her calls and asks whether my mom is mad at her. Does she really think my mom wouldn't be mad at her breaking her son's heart? It boggles my mind that she hasn't thought about how this will affect our family. She is only thinking about herself.
How common is it for a W to be a WAW and having a MLC? And, does it matter?
My W seems to be going through a MLC with the obsession with exercising, being resentful of getting older, listening to Pop music, R&B and rap all the time now, dressing younger, becoming hyper political/feminist, etc. But the story she presents to me about our marriage is that she fell out of love with me several years ago, I haven't been a good partner (which is cherry picking a few aspects of our relationship as opposed to looking at the totality of what we do for each other).
I am not sure it matters, but I keep beating myself up over her being a WAW as if it proves that I have been a bad husband. Does that make any sense?
How common is it for a W to be a WAW and having a MLC? And, does it matter?
Fairly common. Though usually an MLC will also result in them being wayward too. But no, it doesn't matter. GAL, detachment, 180s are still the prescription.
Originally Posted by Destroyd
My W seems to be going through a MLC with the obsession with exercising, being resentful of getting older, listening to Pop music, R&B and rap all the time now, dressing younger, becoming hyper political/feminist, etc. But the story she presents to me about our marriage is that she fell out of love with me several years ago, I haven't been a good partner (which is cherry picking a few aspects of our relationship as opposed to looking at the totality of what we do for each other).
Believe nothing she says. While that is her perspective, you can rest-assured that she is rewriting history to fit her new narrative. But yes, MLCs and WWs often go to these kinds of activities. This is why sandi stresses that she it NOT the girl you married.
And do yourself a favor. Never use the phrase Mid-Life Crisis to her face. People going through what is called a "Mid-Life Crisis" do not see it as a crisis. At all. They see it as an epiphany. They see as an awakening. They see it as finally being motivated to go for the life they've always wanted and to make them happy. You need to realize that from her perspective, all she is doing is trying to be happy. Unfortunately, she doesn't think that can happen with you. However, you should lover her so much you want her to be happy. And you should be using this limbo period to show her how happy you are! Happiness breeds happiness. I truly believe that is what worked best in my sitch. As much as I was tortured on the inside, I remained friendly, upbeat, fun, engaged, yet emotionally detached. And do not underestimate the power of listening and validating. Ultimately, she wants to be empathized with!
Originally Posted by Destroyd
I am not sure it matters, but I keep beating myself up over her being a WAW as if it proves that I have been a bad husband. Does that make any sense?
Guilt for not being a better spouse is part of the deal. Remember this: you have no control over the past. All you can do is be better in the present and resolved to continue that into the future. DBing is about focusing on what you CAN control...not what you can't. So be sorry for your past behavior. Forgive yourself. And move on.
This is about her more than it is about you, believe it or not.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Last night my W and I took the kids to a family sporting event. It was such a great time together. W seemed really excited to go. I can't understand why she would want to destroy this beautiful life we have created together. She just doesn't know what she wants out of life.
It dawned on me yesterday that most of us here confuse GALs with 180s. I think that we want our GAL activities to attract our spouses, but these are just for us. The 180s are for our spouses AND for us. My GAL has been focused around exercising, and this is really about wanting to attract my wife. The good news is that I am in the best shape I have been in 20 years. I am starting to turn some heads, hopefully I will start turning the one head that I want to turn.
Are WASs typically nice to their Hs? Except for telling me ILYBIANILWY and that she is not physically attracted to me, she has been very nice through this whole thing. In my post above, it was her idea to go on this family sporting outing last night. She still texts me about her day. ARRRGGHHH, I get so confused.
Are WASs typically nice to their Hs? Except for telling me ILYBIANILWY and that she is not physically attracted to me, she has been very nice through this whole thing. In my post above, it was her idea to go on this family sporting outing last night. She still texts me about her day. ARRRGGHHH, I get so confused.
I am dealing with something similar in my sitch. Hard to say if she is being cordial for the sake of coparenting, she wants me as a back up or she is confused but resolute
Thanks MLC and LH19. I definitely know that my wife is still not ready to reconcile, and she might even be planning a divorce (I don't know, but she hasn't actually brought up divorce or separation). Certainly, our conversations have implied that it is a real possibility. But I keep thinking her niceness indicates an inward struggle and her mind is not made up. I hope I am not fooling myself on this.
LH, I am definitely grateful that she is not a monster like some peoples' spouses are on here. But, in some ways it would be easier to live with that. Instead, the eternal optimist in me keeps thinking that she is going to fall back in love with me.
Are WASs typically nice to their Hs? Except for telling me ILYBIANILWY and that she is not physically attracted to me, she has been very nice through this whole thing. In my post above, it was her idea to go on this family sporting outing last night. She still texts me about her day. ARRRGGHHH, I get so confused.
Reading this and the rest of your posts, it sounds like you are in the Friend-Zone. She is not "in love" with you or attracted to you at the moment - if she was you would not be here. Ready2Change provided you a link at the beginning of your first thread that had some attraction tips, did you read it? If not I would suggest going back and reading it right away.
Congratulations on the weight loss (the D stress diet...) and the workouts! Keep it going, hit the workouts hard, great for the body and the mind. Eat healthy, cut out any junk, drink lots of water, get to the doctor for a physical if you haven't been in awhile, get some new clothes, and get busy with GAL activities. Be a great dad. Plan some stuff for just you and the kids. Keep the career on track and flourishing.
Don't get emotional around the W. DO NOT CRY IN FRONT OF HER AGAIN. Just don't. Stop any pursuing activities. Focus on your workouts, career, parenting and GAL. W will not become re-attracted to you unless you are conducting yourself in a manner that is attractive. Read Coach's posts regarding attraction again.
I am very sorry you are going through this sitch, I know it is not fun. But you sound like a great guy with a lot to offer and you are on the road to self-improvement already. Step up your game in every area of life and many many good things are coming your way. I know you long for your W's love and affection but you cannot be ruled by her feelings and opinions of you. Once you obtain a mindset that your happiness is up to you and no one else, that the only person who controls you is you, and that likewise you control no one else, you can transcend your sitch and see yourself and your life and those in it with clarity. And it's going to look great.
