A marriage is not broken down after a few months. So why expect for it to be repaired that quick?
You say you used multiple approaches and none of them “worked” you tried to be nice, you stride to be stern, etc.
How about you try to be the man you really want to be? Your wife can see through you. Multiple different approaches make you look like you are just trying to do whatever to get her back. Why would she come home to that? Something that isn’t real or sustainable?
Your best approach is to really figure out the man you want to be and become him. And maybe, just maybe, she will be interested in that guy. But even if she is seriously done, already you can make some positive changes and be the guy you want to be every day.
DB isn’t a bunch of tactics to ge the spouse to come home. It’s making changes to yourself and how you interact that are true and real and maybe the WAS will want to get on board with that. Or they won’t. But either way, you walk away a better person
That may have been the girl you married, but the W you have today has changed. Her moral values, religious beliefs, personal convictions, wedding vows, children.............none of it stops her. It's like being on a drug that gives you the greatest high imaginable, and she'll compromise her integrity, dignity, career, marriage, nice home, relatives/friends.......in order to keep this exciting thrill that some other man is supplying. She might have been the most honest person you've ever known, but now she will deceive, lie, betray, cheat, manipulate, and about most anything else to get more ego food that supplies the monster growing inside of her. Compassion, sense of fairness, reasoning, patience, responsibility, honor, normal............are just a few things that have been dropped from her new identity as a wayward wife. In its place comes negative attitudes, intense plotting, unbelievable selfishness, manipulation, jealousy, irresponsibility, a cake diet, dropping old friends and hanging out with new people. She starts using anti-aging products, wears more cosmetics than usual, changes the color of her hair, and joins a gym. She starts dressing more provocative, talking like a teenagers ........and has the behavior to match. Her H may start hearing lines such as, "It's time I think about me, for a change" "I deserve to be happy!" "I've had to take care of everyone else, now it's my turn". "I love you, but I'm not in love with you". "I want us to always be friends"........and much more, which we refer to as being script.
This sounds so much like my wife. Half of these symptoms sound like a MLC and half sound like a WAW. My wife is certainly presenting herself as a WAW. She says that I have not treated her like I have loved her for years. I is completely not true. I have alway put her on a pedestal.
All good points and I understand what you mean. But I feel like I need to treat her differently based on what she is, whether a WW or a WAW. That’s what I meant.
Being so nice after 2-3 months just wasn’t getting any of her respect back. She was walking all over me and I took it because I felt wrong and was sorry for it. Then I just decided that enough was enough, so I got my balls back as Sandi would say. I am still the same person I’ve always been, it’s just that she is not.
Don’t I need to adjust my actions and communication for her changes?
I am validating more, but being very short. Where I used to be nice and understanding, now I’m being more cold and to the point. I try not to be cold, but I don’t know how to be so short and not be that way.
Originally Posted by Ginger1
A marriage is not broken down after a few months. So why expect for it to be repaired that quick?
You say you used multiple approaches and none of them “worked” you tried to be nice, you stride to be stern, etc.
How about you try to be the man you really want to be? Your wife can see through you. Multiple different approaches make you look like you are just trying to do whatever to get her back. Why would she come home to that? Something that isn’t real or sustainable?
Your best approach is to really figure out the man you want to be and become him. And maybe, just maybe, she will be interested in that guy. But even if she is seriously done, already you can make some positive changes and be the guy you want to be every day.
DB isn’t a bunch of tactics to ge the spouse to come home. It’s making changes to yourself and how you interact that are true and real and maybe the WAS will want to get on board with that. Or they won’t. But either way, you walk away a better person
Hi Hrthsbnd, it's obvious you're stressed by the question, "Did she cheat while we were a couple?". Sorry, some things you may never know, and some things you may only learn if you become a couple again. You asked her already. She answered. If it's probable but not certain she cheated, do you want to try again?
If you're waffling, write your answer until it's the same a few days in a row before acting. With either decision ("in" or "out"), I don't believe it will serve you to keep focusing on that or making accusations.
You might consider an STD test if you two get intimate again!
That’s not a.make or break for me, honestly. I think it would just be peace of mind.
It would also be important to know so that we could work through it.
Originally Posted by CWarrior
Hi Hrthsbnd, it's obvious you're stressed by the question, "Did she cheat while we were a couple?". Sorry, some things you may never know, and some things you may only learn if you become a couple again. You asked her already. She answered. If it's probable but not certain she cheated, do you want to try again?
If you're waffling, write your answer until it's the same a few days in a row before acting. With either decision ("in" or "out"), I don't believe it will serve you to keep focusing on that or making accusations.
You might consider an STD test if you two get intimate again!
When I left in March, it seemed that she got more mad every single day. I left her alone and we didn’t even talk, except to webchat with our son. She went from being upset to resentful, hateful and just full of hatred and anger. She would even accuse and blame me, while rewriting our marriage history. Even before I found this site, I was trying to validate, understand and work on myself.
Why would she act this way? Would she be upset that I was Laing those changes and it made her more angry?
I often do that when I end relationships. Writing a narrative where the other party is clearly "bad" or "broken" has helped me move on, as has getting physically intimate with someone else.
I never got frustrated with my ex's making changes.
So then are you saying I should just give up since apparently she’s ended the relationship?
Originally Posted by CWarrior
I often do that when I end relationships. Writing a narrative where the other party is clearly "bad" or "broken" has helped me move on, as has getting physically intimate with someone else.
I never got frustrated with my ex's making changes.
You mentioned early on that you and your wife had a “life event” last fall that seemed to have an effect on your relationship. What was it?
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
It was very silly, but we are both in real estate. There was a home that I had been working on for awhile trying to get and she swooped in and got it from me.
We both shared our finances, so it didn’t matter who go it. I think it was just the competition between us. It was stupid. However, it definitely started our arguments, which led to where we are at now.
Again, stupid and silly. I just hope it’s not the end of our marriage.
Originally Posted by Rose888
You mentioned early on that you and your wife had a “life event” last fall that seemed to have an effect on your relationship. What was it?
Her H may start hearing lines such as, "It's time I think about me, for a change" "I deserve to be happy!" "I've had to take care of everyone else, now it's my turn". "I love you, but I'm not in love with you". "I want us to always be friends"........and much more, which we refer to as being script.