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Fight or flight is up to you! A good partner whom you share kids with is worth some fighting imho. After months of fighting she has separated, changed locks, filed for divorce, and you suspect an OM is involved--she very well might see the marital relationship as ending or ended.

Well I continue to fight, as I am a family man and this is my life. She says it’s ended and over, but after reading here I think that may just be how she feels right now. At least, I hope so.

I would love to get some other veterans advice on all this. I do think the in laws play a part in this and they have been living with us for 5 years, when they shouldn’t be.

Trying to continue to to detach, but it’s hard. I’m trying not to hang on to every word she says during webchat or the fact that she looks absolutely beautiful talking to me, too.

Today she was very nice. This weekend she has not.

She has been like this for months. Sometimes she’s so sweet, but usually she’s very short and mean.

Ah. I was thinking the "life event" was a death or a disability.

Do you work for the same real estate agency? Did you know she was trying to get the home? Did they approach her, or did she approach them?

No it’s different. She just offered a lower rate for them because she was building her business.

OK that's good, keep it up.



That's very typical. They always think your changes are just tricks to get them back at first (and they are not wrong). You have to show changed behavior for a long time before she will start to believe that you really have changed. You've got to be patient and let the process work.




Be careful about that. A lot of LBS's will try to "nice" their WAS back and when that doesn't work they switch to trying to "mean" her back by being cold and indifferent or threatening divorce. Then when that doesn't work they switch back to being nice, and they just keep flip-flopping like that. That is not at all attractive behavior. You mentioned Sandi's rules, please note they are all about LOVINGLY detaching. There is nothing in there about being cold, rude or indifferent. There's also nothing in there about buying gifts, sending love notes, writing letters. It's all about striking a balance. Listen, validate, but don't be pushy, start R talks or apply any pressure. Also you have not tried everything. You haven't tried the most important technique of all- patience. She is not coming back tomorrow or next week or next month. You're in the long game.



What do you mean by "long enough", as in you're ready for D now? Because 3-4 months is not long at all.



What do you mean by "tough love"? What are you planning to do differently?



I guess you know by now you never should have left. And she changed the locks, WOW. So she coerced you into leaving, and then changed the locks as soon as you did. Confirm with your lawyer but my understanding is that is ILLEGAL in every state in the US. You can demand to be allowed to move back into your home and she can't stop it.

Thanks AS!




Well I’m trying to listen, validate and seek to understand. She is on a rollercoaster of emotions and so every day brings a different emotion. I try not to read into it, but I find myself adapting to her emotions, which makes it hard.



I feel that this is the hardest part of all of this to do for me, lovingly detach. Any suggestions?

Her and I are totally alike in almost every way, including going to the extreme. Patience is definitely a virtue I’ve never had, but I am learning.



No I’m not. I’ll never want a divorce. But she already served me and we’ve had a hearing.



My thought was to be short, not talk to her, not respond to any text, demand respect, etc.. Basically, to just stop caring anymore.



That’s why I was able to come back home without any issues. We’ve already gone to court to discuss the issue and I got kicked back out again.

How will that work out in your mind? Seriously, read what you wrote.

Now go do those actions to anyone you know. Your sister, your friend at church, a co-worker, someone on your soccer team, the flight attendant, a waiter at a restaurant, your golf caddy, a business client, or the school bus driver.

See how they respond. Call it a social experiment. Soon you won't have a W nor will you have any friends or acquaintances.

I feel your frustration; you're hurting and you aren't sure how to deal with things. I am no expert, but I do know that treating her like that won't help you achieve one single goal you have for yourself or your desires for the future with or without her.

This exactly! HrtHsbnd, being happy and caring when you don't receive it is hard. It's easier to show resentment or coldness to another human who's rejecting you. See Sandi's rule above, but the thought experiment is a good idea--accusations and coldness are rarely attractive.