I have been looking at the forums for awhile and really trying to implement them on a daily basis. I read Sandi’s rules everyday so that I minimize any issues that might be going on. I have also been working on my 180’s sincerely before I even knew what they were called and I feel I’m doing just that. While I made SOME of the mistakes in the beginning, I’ve really tried to give her space and time so I don’t do anything that will push her further away. I also didn’t validate as well as I could of until I found this website about 3-4 weeks ago. I have changed that now and she thinks it’s just therapy not actual change. I am definitely succeeding in being the best dad I can be though.
One of my problems is that I’ve tried so many different approaches since March because none of them work that she thinks I’m crazy or have different personalities. I try to stick with what works, but every conversation is different. I truly don’t know if she is a WAW or WW, but it seems she’s a WW from what I’ve read on here. I’ve been nice and understanding, even trying to see things from her point of view, though I did still pursue her up until about 6 weeks ago. I have tried everything and since nothing seems to be working, I think have decided the tough love thing is what I may need to do. She is very emotional, but she is just not herself. She is totally different and very selfish around everyone.
I do feel that my being nice helped some, but the results were the same. Maybe I didn’t give it enough time or maybe it was her temp checking and cake eating. For the record, I am and have always been very much an alpha male, so the NMMNG is not me. I took the approach that I messed up, so maybe it’s my time to eat crow. However it’s been 3-4 months. That’s long enough, especially with no changes and her not wanting to even work on our marriage AT ALL.
I very sternly and respectfully demanded respect this week on webchat. In addition, I also confronted her on webchat outside of MC for the first time and let her know I know, but she still adamantly denies everything.
Any advice?
Originally Posted by neffer
Hey HH, welcome to DB forum.
First advice: take your time. Be patient. You told us you’ve started working in yourself. Keep doing that. Have you read Job & Cadet’s first post. You have the DB basics there. Go deep into that info. You need to study them, print and have a copy of all at hand reach.
Weekends are kind of slow. It’s GAL time and we all need to do that a lot.
As I said, be patient. This is a marathon and you are just walking towards the start line. Prepare for the race. You don’t need speed. You need consistency. Live into the present time. What the past is stays in the past. Prepare to grow up as a better person. Your first commitment is to get into the best father you can. But focus into present time. Future means anxiety. You don’t need that.
You are in control of yourself. Start moving forward.
She keeps bringing up why I would think she would cheat on me, calling me insecure, badmouthing the potential OM, etc.
Hi HrtHsbnd, I'm confused. You said you believed she was cheating and gave arguments pro and con. Then you said you worried about treating her as a WW spouse and pushing her away if she's not. Then you "Let her know you know"?! How did you become certain? If you aren't, I can see how that might sound insecure. It's hard grappling with uncertainty. I've been meditating lately to avoid rash actions.
Unfortunately, I don’t know. I do know phone conversations skyrocketed in the fall. Personality changes. Heavy makeup now. Always on her phone. Heavily guarding phone. Took calls in another room away from family. Very little interaction with our child when I was there. Very mean and selfish. Very manipulative too.
What I do know is that she seems to act much more like a WW than a WAW, according to Sandi’s description.
I hope that helps.
Originally Posted by CWarrior
Originally Posted by "HrtHsbnd"
She keeps bringing up why I would think she would cheat on me, calling me insecure, badmouthing the potential OM, etc.
Hi HrtHsbnd, I'm confused. You said you believed she was cheating and gave arguments pro and con. Then you said you worried about treating her as a WW spouse and pushing her away if she's not. Then you "Let her know you know"?! How did you become certain? If you aren't, I can see how that might sound insecure. It's hard grappling with uncertainty. I've been meditating lately to avoid rash actions.
We have always had an excellent marriage. We’ve always been so close, until the life event. I got the ILYNILWY when she asked for a separation. She was very adamant about needing time and space, even helping me find a place! She went to an attorney that next week, got temporary papers, then filed for divorce. We have had our temporary hearing already. Looking back, I remember text messages on the major holidays in the fall, being very secret with cell phone, not attentive to our family and no nagging!
Swears no one else, just needs time. But I do not believe her.
I don't believe her either. If all she truly wanted was just space & time, she would not have knocking on the lawyer's door the next week. This has been her plan. She's get the H out of the house first, and prepares the way for OM.
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With that said, we both come from very strong backgrounds and look down on anyone that would cheat. That’s really all I’ve got that make sure me think she’s not.
That may have been the girl you married, but the W you have today has changed. Her moral values, religious beliefs, personal convictions, wedding vows, children.............none of it stops her. It's like being on a drug that gives you the greatest high imaginable, and she'll compromise her integrity, dignity, career, marriage, nice home, relatives/friends.......in order to keep this exciting thrill that some other man is supplying. She might have been the most honest person you've ever known, but now she will deceive, lie, betray, cheat, manipulate, and about most anything else to get more ego food that supplies the monster growing inside of her. Compassion, sense of fairness, reasoning, patience, responsibility, honor, normal............are just a few things that have been dropped from her new identity as a wayward wife. In its place comes negative attitudes, intense plotting, unbelievable selfishness, manipulation, jealousy, irresponsibility, a cake diet, dropping old friends and hanging out with new people. She starts using anti-aging products, wears more cosmetics than usual, changes the color of her hair, and joins a gym. She starts dressing more provocative, talking like a teenagers ........and has the behavior to match. Her H may start hearing lines such as, "It's time I think about me, for a change" "I deserve to be happy!" "I've had to take care of everyone else, now it's my turn". "I love you, but I'm not in love with you". "I want us to always be friends"........and much more, which we refer to as being script.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Well, unfortunately I agree with you. I needed to hear you say it, though.
Originally, she told me she was going to a lawyer right after she told me ILYBNILWY and the separation. The papers that were drawn up were everything we talked about, so not bad. It still made me question why. She said I wasn’t taking her seriously without the lawyer involved.
Regardless, almost a month later I got another letter from the lawyer. This time it was about what she wanted me to sign away. I refused and went to my own lawyer. I went back home, as I wasn’t going to be pushed around. However the locks were changed.
What do you mean, prepares the way for the OM?
This guy has his own family and is much older. I also don’t know if it’s an EA or PA
I agree with everything you said at the bottom. So then what does tough love look like for a WW? How do I get her to tell me? Our MC even believes her when she says she’s not doing anything. I got he ILYBNILWY again last session, but this time told me she wants me to find someone that will make me happy. It’s just not going to be her.
It’s all just nonsensical drivel.
I also read your situation and what helped you come back, so I told her we will not be friends nor ever get back together if she decides to leave in addition to demanding her respect.
I’m following your lead on this one. Sandi. After reading your posts, I feel you’ve nailed my situation all along without you even knowning, until today.
Originally Posted by sandi2
Quote
We have always had an excellent marriage. We’ve always been so close, until the life event. I got the ILYNILWY when she asked for a separation. She was very adamant about needing time and space, even helping me find a place! She went to an attorney that next week, got temporary papers, then filed for divorce. We have had our temporary hearing already. Looking back, I remember text messages on the major holidays in the fall, being very secret with cell phone, not attentive to our family and no nagging!
Swears no one else, just needs time. But I do not believe her.
I don't believe her either. If all she truly wanted was just space & time, she would not have knocking on the lawyer's door the next week. This has been her plan. She's get the H out of the house first, and prepares the way for OM.
Quote
With that said, we both come from very strong backgrounds and look down on anyone that would cheat. That’s really all I’ve got that make sure me think she’s not.
That may have been the girl you married, but the W you have today has changed. Her moral values, religious beliefs, personal convictions, wedding vows, children.............none of it stops her. It's like being on a drug that gives you the greatest high imaginable, and she'll compromise her integrity, dignity, career, marriage, nice home, relatives/friends.......in order to keep this exciting thrill that some other man is supplying. She might have been the most honest person you've ever known, but now she will deceive, lie, betray, cheat, manipulate, and about most anything else to get more ego food that supplies the monster growing inside of her. Compassion, sense of fairness, reasoning, patience, responsibility, honor, normal............are just a few things that have been dropped from her new identity as a wayward wife. In its place comes negative attitudes, intense plotting, unbelievable selfishness, manipulation, jealousy, irresponsibility, a cake diet, dropping old friends and hanging out with new people. She starts using anti-aging products, wears more cosmetics than usual, changes the color of her hair, and joins a gym. She starts dressing more provocative, talking like a teenagers ........and has the behavior to match. Her H may start hearing lines such as, "It's time I think about me, for a change" "I deserve to be happy!" "I've had to take care of everyone else, now it's my turn". "I love you, but I'm not in love with you". "I want us to always be friends"........and much more, which we refer to as being script.
Her H may start hearing lines such as, "It's time I think about me, for a change" "I deserve to be happy!" "I've had to take care of everyone else, now it's my turn". "I love you, but I'm not in love with you". "I want us to always be friends"........and much more, which we refer to as being script.