Destroyd, in my case, MC became essentially IC for me with my wife there. She seemed very receptive to that. As I owned my issues, and worked through the whys, and talked about changes I was making to remedy it. I think I mentioned this before. If you can work with the MC to go that route it might be better. I would fire any IC that was not promarriage. That's just me. I tell people all the time to not settle for a C, find one that works. IE shop around.
Steve, I wouldn't say that my IC is not promarriage. I just think she is asking me some tough questions, like, why do you want to continue to be married to a person that doesn't love you? Why do you want to be married to a person that seems to have changed from the person that you married? She knows my reasons. But, she is definitely not anti-divorce.
I am thinking about trying a different Christian counselor, but man, how many counselors can I go to lol! My wife and I are spending a fortune in MC, IC for each of us. Sad.
Another, I am not dragging my W to MC. She is the one asking for it. That is what makes this difficult. She seems to like going. But, I do agree with you that I don't think it is helping, and I am doubtful that it is going to help.
Yeah sometimes the WAS is the one that wants to go to MC but it's not to work on the M. It's to facilitate separation and divorce, and to check it off their list of "how I tried everything to save the M but it just proved it was already over".
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I completely agree with you, but at the same time, I am scared that if I tell her that we should stop, she will use that as a reason to fast forward a D decision. I DO NOT WANT THAT!!!!
I hear you. You're painted into a corner though because she is just as likely to use the MC as a reason to push for D. This is the way it usually goes-
MC- I'll give you some exercises to work on the M blah blah etc.
WAS- I've tried everything though. The love is gone, I just don't love him anymore because A, B C and D as well as a thousand other things but you get the point, he's a lost cause.
MC- I see, well perhaps the two of you should consider separation.
WAS- OMG!!!!! That's a fantastic idea!!! WOW I knew I liked you! How can we make this happen as soon as possible?
This is what happened to me and many others here. The WAS uses the counselor as the "bad guy" to initiate S and/ or D. It becomes "well the MC said we should" as if it's ALL the counselor's idea and not what the WAS wanted.
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There has been no mention of divorce, just talking around the edges of the topic. She has never said, I want a divorce.
Right, because she's waiting for you or the MC to float the idea. Whenever someone does she will latch onto it like it's the greatest idea ever. And the real beauty for her is it's not her fault because she didn't suggest it, she's just going along with someone else's suggestion.
I pray you are wrong, AnotherStander, but I am afraid that you are right. This has always been my worst fear that my W is just using MC as a means to not feel guilty about not "trying" everything.
Yes, your threads when you were starting to go through your BD.
Ah ok. I didn't find this until several weeks in, but I remembered DBing on day 2 after BD. Since I had gone through it in 2005 too. But then I made the same mistakes.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Another, I am not dragging my W to MC. She is the one asking for it. That is what makes this difficult. She seems to like going. But, I do agree with you that I don't think it is helping, and I am doubtful that it is going to help.
Yeah sometimes the WAS is the one that wants to go to MC but it's not to work on the M. It's to facilitate separation and divorce, and to check it off their list of "how I tried everything to save the M but it just proved it was already over".
Quote
I completely agree with you, but at the same time, I am scared that if I tell her that we should stop, she will use that as a reason to fast forward a D decision. I DO NOT WANT THAT!!!!
I hear you. You're painted into a corner though because she is just as likely to use the MC as a reason to push for D. This is the way it usually goes-
MC- I'll give you some exercises to work on the M blah blah etc.
WAS- I've tried everything though. The love is gone, I just don't love him anymore because A, B C and D as well as a thousand other things but you get the point, he's a lost cause.
MC- I see, well perhaps the two of you should consider separation.
WAS- OMG!!!!! That's a fantastic idea!!! WOW I knew I liked you! How can we make this happen as soon as possible?
This is what happened to me and many others here. The WAS uses the counselor as the "bad guy" to initiate S and/ or D. It becomes "well the MC said we should" as if it's ALL the counselor's idea and not what the WAS wanted.
Quote
There has been no mention of divorce, just talking around the edges of the topic. She has never said, I want a divorce.
Right, because she's waiting for you or the MC to float the idea. Whenever someone does she will latch onto it like it's the greatest idea ever. And the real beauty for her is it's not her fault because she didn't suggest it, she's just going along with someone else's suggestion.
Sorry I'm sounding like a misogynist here. Not all, but some...It's funny how most women won't take responsibility or accountability to be assertive, direct, or decisive on their own accord, account or merit, but gratuitously seek validation from others and other like-minded to facilitate something they cannot be decisive on, but actually want, but don't want ownership of. Talk about hive mind mentality.
So I had my MC today, and my W made it completely obvious that she wants SPACE and I need to give it to her. She said that I am putting too much pressure on her to fix the marriage and she is not there yet. To date, I have been one foot in the DBing bucket and one foot in the show my love bucket. It is clear to me that DBing is the way I need to go, however, she has asked me to continue to show her that I am her partner. I am having trouble reconciling this with DBing, so be gentle with me as I work through this.
We had our MC session, and then a LONG R talk where I cried many times throughout the conversation. Here is what I learned.
1. She needs space to make up her mind on her own. She wants me to quit making family plans. Life is too busy, and she needs time to think. I will need to make family plans without her, so that I can still have fun.
2. She has complained that some of the things that got her to be unhappy with our M is that she has felt alone in performing household tasks and taking care of the kids. So, she wants me to continue to do these things with her. She wants me to continue to cook dinner and talk with her during this time. She wants me to continue to do house chores with her as a team.
3. She wants me to stop pursuing her in any romantic way. I have done almost none of this, but I will stop any type of physical contact.
4. I learned that she has told her parents about our situation, and I told her that I told my mother and brother. I really wish that this didn't come out today. I thought she wasn't telling her parents because of the guilt, and I didn't want her to know that I told my mom and brother, because I wanted that guilt to keep her from asking for a divorce.
5. I promised her that I would give her space, but to continue to show that I am a new man (the partner that she has wanted). I would continue to be the partner she has wanted me to be. I know this is against the DBing, but how do I make this work with the DBing methodology?
By the way, I feel that I have been a pretty good partner throughout our marriage, and she is rewriting history here.
6. If I am going to give her space, I need to get more of a life. I hate this!! I feel like I am not able to live the family life that I want to live this way. I like being at home after working all day. But, I am going to try to do more things with my kids. I am going to have to do more things with friends, all the while showing that I am the good, reliable partner.
7. As I was telling her that I was committed to being a new man, she asked why I kept saying this and it sounded like I wanted something from her. I said that I wanted her to be 100% committed to fixing the relationship, even though she didn't know whether it could be fixed. She promised me that she was trying to be 100% committed to fixing the relationship, but she reiterated that she didn't know whether it could be fixed. She loves me, but doesn't have romantic feelings for me. I thought the commitment to try to fix the R was a good sign.
8. I made a terrible mistake in our conversation where I said that this was very unfair to the kids. This was the worst mistake I made. I told her that it was unfair to them and that we would be hurting them financially. This made her angry, but I thought it had to be said. She said that she also had to be happy. I am sure that this really pushed her away from me, so I bet you guys are really going to hit me with 2x4s for this one.
9. So now I have to commit to giving as much space as possible, while still showing that I am a good partner. Do you have any advice on how to walk this fine line? I really do think this is a line that I need to walk. I know that it doesn't jive 100% with DBing, but in my situation, I think I have to modify some things here.
I still don't think she is having an affair. But at this point who knows.
