Dilly, you are so strong. Make sure you have something in reserve. If he feels like he is losing you or being abandoned he is likely to pull all kinds of tricks out of the bag - either anger, or distancing, or temp checking, or even coming closer to you. He might wobble all over the place and it is time for you to walk steadily on your own path now. You can do it.
[quote=dillydaf]Why would we want to be married to an idiot CSL?
I came home and bagged up more of my husband's clothes, the cupboard is full. If he comes to see the kids at the weekend I'm going to put some of the bags in his car, not going to offer to sort anything out to go to charity, he can do that. Suddenly he might find his flat is a lot fuller than it was, there is an awful lot of stuff taking up a lot of my house.
Good for you!
I'm not sure why I want to be with an idiot, my head says let him go, but my heart...... it hurts!
I moved H's things out of our MBR into the guest room while he was away this weekend. He is beyond angry. He said it was a bush-league move and he is moving out the first chance he gets. He is upset that he texted me a "funny" text last night and I did not respond. I should have just let it go, but I asked him why he was even texting me, he doesn't want to be in a relationship with me, why is he checking in? I told him he had someone else he could text, text her the finny texts.... I know, I should have kept my mouth shut. I really stink at this, but my emotions got the best of me.
Best of luck to you. I will be keeping an eye on your situation.
Well my H moved out in September but has left a house full of his things behind. I'm moving them out of my way, I have a life to live and would like less clutter.
H rang twice last night so I rang him back this morning, kept it friendly but short. He asked if I wanted to meet up this week and I said I needed to check my calendar. He said he could only do lunch on Wednesday or Thursday. I think I will decline. He wants space, he can have it. I'm too important to squeeze into the edge of his life.
And as if by magic the temp checking started. I said I'd get back to him about Thursday lunch. Then he offered to meet me Friday evening for a fun activity we've done before. Since September he has NEVER offered to meet me on a Friday night...I said OK, I'll be in the area anyway. I can change my mind if I want to.
I've been looking at changing my car. H is a massive car aficionado. My car keeps getting warning lights and is going to cost probably lots of money to get fixed within the next year or so, so H has been looking out for a replacement of the same car but a newer model for about 4 months now. I'm not really that fussed as long as it's big enough to fit the kids and occasionally their friends (all about 6 foot tall) and is comfortable and reliable. I would actually prefer another make because there is a good mechanic locally who I trust and who specialises in a particular make. So I think I might go look at cars from this make. This will totally be a 180 because H is the one who has researched, decided on and bought all our cars. It will drive him NUTS if I go and buy a car without him. Even thinking about this is making me giggle
is it a good idea to respond to his temp checking like this? You're worth more. You really are. He wants a 'friend' who will demand nothing of him - not even civility and an end to the criticism - and putting responding to his texts on the back burner for a couple of days has spooked him into throwing you a bone. This is the man who says he wants a divorce, but doesn't want to hurt you. It's an outrage. Be less available to him.
Hmmm, I don't know. I kind of thought of it as rewarding his good behaviour in a funny way. Plus when he first left we had meeting up once a week as one of our ground rules and we have stuck to that. Now I'm not sure what to do. You're right about him throwing me a bone. I don't want to cancel too early, or he'll just go out and make other plans, probably getting drunk with colleagues. I'd like him to suffer the consequences properly if I do cancel. I will ponder it a bit, maybe discuss it in my IC session this week.
I bought new glasses this morning at VAST expense. I'd be amazed if he doesn't ring up to express astonishment, but I've noticed he is very hypocritical about money, he tells me I don't spend enough on good things but then if I do he complains how expensive whatever it is I've bought is. Talking of money, I'm still grinning at the thought of buying my OWN car without his input. I've always deferred to his decisions in so many tiny ways, not happening any more.
Well, I think you have to take his comment about divorce at face value. He wants to divorce and the only thing stopping him, apparently, is a worry about your feelings. What he does in his spare time is no longer your concern - he probably will be out getting drunk, but if he has, he's been doing that every other Friday night - all the Friday nights he'd rather be in his flat or with his friends rather than with his wife and children - so there's no change there, is there? The deal about cosy meet ups where he gets to pretend he has a wife without actually being a husband is now over. You don't have to tell him any of that. But you do get to change the rules based on what he's told you.
Well actually I don’t take his D talk at face value in fact. That was part of the reason I was quite calm during the whole horrible R talk. He kept saying ‘maybe’ and ‘probably’ and he’s not the sort of person who uses those words. To me he was saying ‘don’t pressure me’ (I wasn’t, but clearly spending the weekend together felt like pressure to him even though it was his suggestion), it was him saying he’s still confused and telling me to have no expectations. Funnily enough after the R talk I thanked him for clearing the air and we enjoyed the rest of our day and our dinner out because he’d got his R talk off his chest. Yes it was unbelievably hurtful and disappointing but I’m stronger with R talks nowadays (and they only come from him) Anyway I will discuss it with IC, I’m not sure about Friday.
It's good to read that you are looking at things more rationally. Many here will tell you that the use of words like "Maybe" and "probably" and "I think" is plan B cake eating stuff and they have a point. I remember a long time ago I wrote the words "let him eat cake, I will be sitting here enjoying my picnic".
You are not the same Dilly who joined a few months ago. Your posts are no longer about trying to understand your H or trying to work out what version of you would best bring him back - they are now just about becoming the best version of you.
I read something the other day which really resonated with me and I think it is probably fitting for many of us here.
"Be careful what you tolerate. You are teaching people how to treat you".
Yes FS, I think finally I'm moving towards more thinking what I want and what I need in a future relationship, no matter who it's with. I still have horrible lonely patches where I feel wretched, and awful pangs of guilt about my part in the rupture of my marriage. But the thing I feel worst about is what I tolerated from H, I definitely taught him to treat me badly. Yuck, that is painful to admit. And I can see how I need to properly 180 and be assertive in future, it doesn't come easy. My GAL plans were foiled tonight, my yoga class was cancelled. I will do some work instead and have an early night. I texted H to ask how much my car was worth and he said Xk, why? and I didn't bother answering, let him stew over it. He rang when I was out going to non-happening yoga, I'll ring him back tomorrow perhaps, no rush.
