She has made her decisions/choices, you are over thinking every decision you make in regards to your WW. I know/We know because we have been where you are. Slow down and stop making the decision that you think will benefit/make your WW less upset, and make the best, most logical decision. Stop deciding with her emotions and reactions in mind.
She decided to accept an apartment with her employment status up in the air. She knew the possible consequences making a choice like that. What would she do if Vik wasn't in the picture to deal with day-care? She would figure it out. Pay your fair share and let her live her life. Let her deal with the ups and the downs, the good and the bad on her end. She calls you when things are going bad, does she call you when she is having the best days, I bet not. Stop saving her, and let her swim in the ocean she decided to dive into.
Keep moving forward
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
I agree with what has been said here. She pays her share. Also...regarding childcare schedule...alternating weekends with various schedules during the week is the norm. There is no ways she should expect you to give up every weekend. Stand firm on that. Just cause she says she wants something, doesn’t mean you should just agree. My STBXH and I have agreed to a 2-3-2 schedule Parent 1- M-T, Parent 2 - W-Fri, Parent 1 - S-S... alternating weekly.
VIK... I know where you are at. I was there too. Trust me... things will get better as soon as you drop the rope. I never thought I would feel the way I do. Didn’t want to. I wanted my H back. I do not feel that way anymore and I am happier now than I was before BD. Trust in the process. Trust that you will be okay. Face your fears. That was the biggest thing for me... I had a lot of fears... of being alone, of no one wanting me again, financial stress, you name it... I have discovered none of those things are insurmountable and that my life is going to be what I make of it. And that part about no one wanting me again... LOL... so not the case. My dance card is full and I am loving my freedom to just live my life. You will get there too and be a better person for it. (((HUGS)))
She decided to accept an apartment with her employment status up in the air. She knew the possible consequences making a choice like that. What would she do if Vik wasn't in the picture to deal with day-care? She would figure it out. Pay your fair share and let her live her life. Let her deal with the ups and the downs, the good and the bad on her end. She calls you when things are going bad, does she call you when she is having the best days, I bet not. Stop saving her, and let her swim in the ocean she decided to dive into.
Keep moving forward
Well, If I do not do that, the AP will do it and bail her out. That is just a thought. Also, if it affects my daughter, then it becomes a problem and I really don't want that she takes my daughter out of daycare because of the fund crunch, because at the end, it affects my daughter.
Imp. Point - Wife moving to a new apartment on Wednesday.
Wife's parents called me that they are coming on Wednesday for 3-4 months. Should I ask them to hold on or ask them to come.
Point is that my wife does not have a great relationship with her parents, but they told me that they are coming to put some sense in her. Actually she used to talk to them almost everyday before the BD, but has resentment against them because of childhood neglect etc..She has vilified them as well for her situation in life and told her parents also that they were not good parents and they are also responsible for her low self esteem...Effects of AFFAIR
If they come, they will be staying with her in her apartment. Them being here would mean her plans to stay at OMs place will be shattered as she will not have possibility of staying out at nights becuase of her parents being here. Also, I think them being here would mean she may get emotional support (though they stand for our marriage) and help with our daughter as well.So, it may not make her feel the impact of being separated and handling the kid by her own for half a week. (According to her they are not aware of the affair, but in actual they are)
Also, how can i tell her that she should not expose our D to OM as she is too young to be confused about having another man in her life apart from her father. What boundary can I set other than taking legal action?
What do you guys think is the best thing to happen here.
Would appreciate quick reply as they are booking the tickets and they have to travel from another country.
Sorry for short notice, but please help me with this.
Another question, how should I tell my wife that she should start sharing the daycare expenses and education saving expenses for my daughter? She is currently out of job and has told me to pay those till she gets a job and she will pay me back her share. So, do I wait for her to get a job or should I tell her to pay those expenses when she moves out on Wednesday (paying is not an issue as it doesn't dent my savings or earnings), but I don't want to look vindictive or punishing her as she is moving out. If I have to say that she should start paying without being mean, what should I be saying exactly.
Vik, there's a lot going on here. I'll start with the parents.
I'd say the best thing for you to do is NOT MEDDLE with their relationship. If her parents come to see her that is between her and them. If they ask you anything about your relationship you kindly and firmly say to them, "Thank you for your concern. I appreciate you wanting to help, but I think right now it is best for me that I keep some of the details between W and I private. I hope you understand".
Stick to that. Do not draw them in. Do not pretend they are your allies, and do not treat them as the enemy. You may need to be a broken record and repeat your stance.
If W asks you to relay messages to her parents take a similar stance. "W, I understand your parents being here is a stress to you. I think the best thing I can do is step back and allow you to manage your relationship with them. I don't wish to be in the middle".
Regarding childcare and exposing your child to OW - these will require conversations with W and I'm not caught up on your sitch enough to know how to best advise. When in doubt - do nothing and step back.
It's simple,.get out your WW way. Everything you just brought up for concerns are none of your business.
I'm sorry to have to say this, but your W introducing your D to another man is her business, your only concern should be if he harms her or is a danger to her.
Your whole post above was about trying to control her. Stop trying to control this situation and let go.
If you try to involve yourself anyway in this situation with her parents, this other man, telling her about how to make her payments, it will only push her further away and make her resent you more.
You are too worried about her.
Once again, let her go. Work on yourself. The statement that Yail Gave you above will work. Stay out of the way, please!!!!! You can't fix your WW or this sitch. You can't fix your WW or this sitch. You can't fix your WW or this sitch.
You can't control your WW or this sitch.
Onward and upward
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
Sun-Tuesday Morning - D is with me Tue - Friday morning - D will be with my wife Friday - Sunday Morning - With me one week, wife the next, alternating.
The other way is too complicated, too much switching, and not sustainable as there will invariably be Friday nights you have something to do, and Saturday nights she'll have something to do. Why split the weekend in two rather than just doing alternating weekends?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Keep DB, get your respect back. Read again Sandi´s rules. Read them every day. Time to get on your own, relax, take your time and start getting into amoafwl. Detach, GAL, keep contact with W only for your kid.Read about going dark/dim.
Had asked wife to talk about our Ds staying arrangements and her routine during stay at each place (my wife is moving out on Wednesday i.e tomorrow).
She asked if we could meet at a restaurant near our house during lunch hours, to which I agreed. (not sure why she chose to meet outside, even though she has no job these days and was home only, and the restaurant is 5 minutes away from our house)
So we talked about the days she will spend at each place and here is the arrangement:
Sun-Tuesday Morning - D is with me Tue - Friday morning - D will be with my wife Friday - Saturday morning - D will be with me Saturday Morning - Sunday Morning - With wife
We talked about her eating routine and other stuff to keep it same in both houses.
Also, for finance, we agreed that on 1st of each month, I will deposit in her account my share of the daycare+education saving expense for our D. She gave me the cards that she had from our joint accounts. We file taxes jointly and this year we owed money because her withheld taxes were very less and she asked me to tell her how much she owes and she will pay me that.
Also, I asked her to make sure that she leaves by tomorrow unless there are logistic issues because I couldn't live in an open marriage (Although the delay would have been a day or two, this was just to emphasize that she was not leaving on her terms but I wanted her to leave as well. I know it was not the best thing to do, but I wanted peace and send a message that its not just her that wants to leave, but I have no interest if she is going to be with another man). Her face was blank as she did not expect it. May resent me but I was so upset in my heart about my D suffering that i had to say it. Don't know what the repercussions will be.
Would like to have your feedback please and how to conduct myself in coming days.
Also, when she is leaving tomorrow, should I say something or not? If yes, then what should I say?
P.S - Her parents called me yesterday and told me that her mother will be arriving on 26th and they haven't told her. What should I do? Should I tell her or not?
