So sorry you are in this situation. In my opinion, you should let her know that you know she is lying. You dont have to say how you found out. Its time to focus on yourself. Use this gift of time to be the best father and the best version of yourself possible. Stop any toxic behavior. Your M is over. Drop all expectations that your WW will come around because in reality she most likely wont. Is there a chance she will? Yes, but its not going to be based on anything you do.
I wouldnt agree to any custody arrangement without a formal binding agreement. Seems to me like shes trying to get out and divorce and now that shes unemployed ask for alimony and child support. Go talk to a lawyer and see if you can get a custody agreement written up.
If she leaves she is abandoning the marriage. Thats fault in some states. Good thing is that it looks bad to lose a job or quit then try and get support.
My STBXWW acted the same way. It was my fault she slept with her married boss. She mistreated me horribly. I dropped 100lbs, look amazing, set myself up financially and pushed the eject button. None of us deserve to be treated like we are expendable. You will be fine. It hurts badly, worse than anything you will ever encounter in life. But you will get through it.
My D is an open case, pending with the courts. Should be done soon. I did IHS since September 2018. It is as hard but i detached and dropped the rope. I deserve a wonderful caring woman who is devoted to me, my WW is not that person and she never will be again.
Good luck.
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
Absolutely. My self esteem and self love are stringer than ever.
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
I don't know if you'll see my post before you confront your WW, but I'd like to give you a few thoughts. I am not against confrontation.......as long as you understand a few things. Confrontation will not change her mind. It won't wake her up from her fantasy world. It won't give her a sense of relief, like you suggested. It won't even push her to file for D any faster than not confronting her. It won't do anything but let her know that you have not been deceived. Do I think you should confront her? If it is to your advantage, then yes. I just want you to understand it won't change her decision. I agree with the other posters that you NEVER reveal your sources, and trust me......she will want to know how you know. When you are celebrating your 50th anniversary, you still NEVER reveal sources.
Meet with a lawyer ASAP to see where you stand legally, and take steps to protect your finances. You love this woman, but I promise you can't trust her. She isn't the person you've known for sixteen years. You will score no points with her by being a pushover. So, stand up for yourself.
As for exposing her affair to the parents.......what do you wish to accomplish? She doesn't have a close relationship, and they aren't going to talk her out of the affair. Unless they financially support her, what can they do to make her stay with you? Nothing! Now, if you want them to know the truth of why a divorce is coming......then that's up to you. I'm just saying don't expose with the idea it is going to prevent her from divorcing you.
Another thing I noticed is how you referred to yourself as emotionally abusing your WW. I think the abuse word is used to easily these days. I don't want to sound as if I'm trying to down play true cases of abuse. I am, however, saying not to take the word of a cheating, wayward wife that she was abused. There is a different heart and mindset in an abused victim than that of a wayward wife. Could you have been a better H? Yes, by reading your first post, I'd say it sounds as if you could have done a better job, but I wouldn't be so quick to classify it as abuse. Therefore, I am suggesting you not refer to yourself as an abuser.
If you don't want a D, then don't file. If she wants one, she can do the work. You can't force someone to love you. You let her be, and stop being a part of her world, and she may eventually come back. You co-parent, but you don't become buddies, if you know what I mean. Not while she's seeing OM. Be friend-ly, but not BFF's. Being pals is a death trap for the LBH, b/c his goal and her goal in the friendship are as far as east from west.
Keep posting and reading.
((hugs))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks a lot Sandi....I appreciate your reply and definitely would consider each point you have mentioned.
To just update you on what you have mentioned, here are my thoughts:
1. I am confronting her because I want peace of mind and want to let her know that she was not deceiving me, but I kept quiet to ensure that my daughter gets time with both of us for some days. I will also ask her to leave as soon as possible (if it is next weekend, then she should try and leave sooner). I am not sure if confronting her brings any advantage or not.
2. Will try and book appointment with a lawyer as soon as possible. Though she has mentioned that we will have 50/50 custody of our daughter. As you say we can't trust them, an example of that is "few weeks back when she lost her job, she asked me to start paying daycare expenses for our daughter till she gets the job, and on the other hand she is renting an apartment for the same amount to just be away from me" . I so wanted to tell her that if you have no job, then why are you in hurry to take a separate apartment, but didn't say anything.
3. As far as exposing to her parents is concerned, I just thought it to be my moral responsibility to tell her father that this is why we are getting divorced and not what your daughter is going to tell you or is telling you. Also, they live in another country and they called me yesterday mentioning that they are planning to be here this month end and will try and talk to her to think through before making any decision as they told me that they are in favor of this marriage being restored and they trust me completely. I was planning to tell my wife while confronting that she should tell her father about the affair in 5 days and i she does not, then I will. I am not sure how that will turn out, but I know for a fact my wife will hate me for that, but I see it as a last ditch effort and worth trying.
4. About the abuse thing, post affair she went to a IC and was told that she has been abused and I surely take some responsibility, but not sure how counsellors can pass judgements without talking to both parties. Though thanks a lot for your kind words and I will try and not look at myself as one. Also, in my heart I still believe, whatever I did, it did not call for an extramarital affair. I did that not consciously (though i feel remorse for what I did), but affair was a choice she made knowingly and that hurts deep.
5. Sure, as I stand for my marriage, I will not be filing for divorce and would convey the message that we are co- parents and not friends, till she is still involved with the other man.
Also, if you have any specifics about what i can sat while confronting, would be great to have your two cents.
Thanks again for your words of wisdom and I feel gratitude towards you from all LBHs whom you help and support without fail. Appreciate it.
