I think it's because she has a personality disorder, to be completely honest. She follows the patterns for NPD or BPD to the letter...more so BPD after trying to learn about it for over a year now. This letter was a while before she left.
What I know is that somewhere around the time of that letter, she had also been having feelings for one of her ex bf's (they worked together), also one of my coworkers (that she met about 2 weeks before leaving me). I had suspected for a while that she was talking to other people. I can't confirm that there was a PA prior to her moving out, but she wasted no time once she did move out, and there were plenty of sketchy things that she would do for the past couple years before moving out that made me question whether or not something was going on. She would spend time with her friends (including guys) drinking after work, go to parties (found a Whisper post of hers saying 'Going to a party and my ex will be there, IDK if I'm nervous or excited). So I'm pretty positive that at some point along the way or shortly before she left there was a PA. She admitted there was an EA going on...probably more than one.
As bad as I wanted to save all of this, at this point I don't think it's worth it. If she's BPD, then she'll need years of work and therapy to get better to the point where she won't sabotage relationships. And I don't think she's going to do that, to be honest.
BPDs are inherently unhappy with themselves. They believe things like "I fear that he will abandon me, so I'll leave him...that way he's not leaving me." It's just...crazy.
I got a message from W a couple weeks ago stating that she has been seeing a doctor for anxiety and panic attacks. I know that in the past she has been suspected by a therapist of having a personality disorder. So...I don't think I'm really that far off on my estimate.
I found a few letters like that from my wife after she left. I'm the love of her life, her rock, couldn't imagine a life without me, blah blah blah. Were they sincere? I don't know. In that exact moment they might have been, but that didn't stop her from cheating on me a few months later. Sometimes I wonder if it was a desperate attempt on her part to talk herself out of doing what she was going to do. Or maybe she was already doing it and it was written for me to find to think she would never cheat on me. I'll never know. But I did know where I was supposed to put those letters when I found them. The garbage. As much as I liked reading those things, in the long run, all it did was make me hurt more. Brought up the "what ifs" and the "what could I have dones". I realized it was just a piece of paper and if she really loved me and wanted things to work, she would be at home with me trying to make it work instead of banging other dudes. And I certainly didn't want to read those things every other day and feel sorry for myself...
Me: 38 W:31 Kids: S16(mine from previous R), D10, S9, S4 M: 10 years T:12 years BD:Jan 3, 2018 W moved out: Apr 13,2018 Filed for D: Jun 2018 D final: Sep 2019
But I did know where I was supposed to put those letters when I found them. The garbage.
Eventually I'll do the same. Or maybe I'll put them in a shoe box with some pics for S to have when he's older (old enough to understand, so that'll be years down the road).
But in the meantime...I sent copies of it to the attorney, since W decided to take the route of telling everyone how horrible I was to her in person...just to thwart that line if she tries to use it in court.
We just left a meeting with our CPA that W had set up. I ignored everything she said except for things explicitly regarding S or the business we were there to take care of, but I didn't even look at her. Oh, and when we left she said "have a good day" and I just replied "you too."
The gray rock approach is interesting, because it really helps make situations smoother (basically suppressing all emotional reactions, saying very little, etc.). While waiting, there was a commercial on the tv with a wedding on it, so my brain got weird and I kind of laughed to myself (she didn't see the commercial...she was too busy looking at me with big puppy dog eyes, wondering why I was ignoring her, and fidgeting nervously). I could see out of the corner of my eye that she had that "PLS PAY ATTENTION TO MEH!!!" look on her face.
In a way, it was funny. I *almost* felt sorry for her, but I stuck to gray rock.
Something that I noticed between the DB book and advice on dealing with narcissists/borderlines...the advice is almost identical. Pretty interesting, if you ask me.
And now she's trying to reduce the amount of child support we agreed she'd be paying. Also, apparently she has registered an email address that includes her name...and the last 4 digits of my social.
Attorney has been notified.
There's something really, really off about that. lol
We're doing alright. Things have calmed down with him a lot since W and I actually got some planned visitation. We went to court to decide on a few things that she wouldn't agree to in mediation. I had requested that her current OM stay away from S. I didn't quite get that...but the judge decided to handle her rule breaking in a (to me and my attorney) funny way. There's a standing order that says no overnight OM when S is with her. The judge ordered that going forward, no men (dating or otherwise) overnight with W when S is present...until he is 18. That was a shocker, but also very, very funny. The judge put her under oath just to ask her what OM did for a living (he's a cook at a restaurant that has quite tasty breadsticks, but I won't be going back to that place). Then the judge laughed at her and gave her that decision. It was hysterical. Oh, and W has to be there to supervise if S is around OM, no exceptions. He can't visit at W's moms house when she's not there, and S can't stay with him while W works.
As for GAL, I had to take a trip to Vegas two weeks ago for work. So I decided to drive. The trip was pretty good, met some locals, had a good time. Nothing too crazy though since it was a work trip. But I definitely have to get back there for a normal vacation.
Just waiting on her atty to fix the final decree. My atty sent an awesome letter to her attorney. I can still feel the sting off of it. lol.
There's a standing order that says no overnight OM when S is with her. The judge ordered that going forward, no men (dating or otherwise) overnight with W when S is present...until he is 18.
Bet that put a damper on her future plans.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I can’t believe you got that in your divorce decree. What if she remarries?
Be careful about this stipulation. If she settles down with a guy, your son might feel like he’s left out if she is gone when she he is at his moms. If your ex does develop a healthy R somewhere down the line, for your sons sake, your don’t want him left out vacations, events, etc. because of that stipulation.
Trust me. I would have moved hell or high water at first to keep my daughter away from OW. There was a point where it would have hurt my daughter . He married his OW and she has a stepmother there ( who does a good job caring for her) . I imagine my daughter would wonder why her stepmother went to sleep at someone else’s house when she is there......
When I say “I can’t believe” I mean “I can’t believe a judge allowed that.
Also, does this block out overnights with any woman who may come into your life? Considering you pretty much have full custody, that might be pretty rough
