It's been 6 months, yes. When it first started I thought this would all be resolved by Christmas, my expectations have been consistently disappointing to me! It is still very early days for you, I agree. It's probably only been a few weeks now that things have settled down for me properly, there were a series of steps where things would feel easier suddenly, then I'd go backwards a bit, then things would improve a bit more. Funnily enough, all the changes were associated with me having significant dreams and then interpreting them in the light of our M. Which is strange because I'm not big on dreams normally. I guess symbols become important in this situation. I don't think I will go backwards again in a hurry, this new phase feels much happier and more permanent even if there's the odd bad day. You're allowed to have a mental deadline, it's difficult to have no thoughts about the future whatsoever, but it's difficult not being in charge of the timeline. Don't forget to give your husband time to recover from his big work thing. I'm betting he's seeing that as some sort of deadline himself for looking at your M...
I've had a brainwave. I really do want to get away. The dog is coming, and H isn't really able to commit to childcare while this project is going on - but perhaps I will book myself four days in the week or two after he finishes his project. He will be tired, yes, but you know what - so am I and he's a parent too. And it will stop me thinking that the second he signs off on his project he will be around with a bunch of flowers, and give me change to concentrate on MYSELF at that time rather than what I want from him, and perhaps it will signal to him that I am taking some time to think and put myself first and not just hanging about waiting for what he wants.
I won't discuss this with him today - but perhaps after the weekend when I am steadier I can see if the date would work. The kids will still be in school so all he will need to do is breakfasts, teas, bedtimes and school runs, and I've been doing those pretty much on my own since Jan.
That sounds like a great idea, this stuff is utterly exhausting and you are entitled to some time away. And sometimes just making a decision like this helps you feel more in control. I know when I booked our Easter holiday I felt a lot better, and would have done even if he hadn't agreed to join us for some of it. Maybe you could frame it as him being able to spend time with the kids once his big work thing is out of the way? It might come across more positively then, let him see for himself that you're taking care of you rather than telling him.
I've booked something. It will be after his big work thing is done. So he has no reason not to step up and be the default parent for a few days. And if he declines or refuses or is otherwise difficult, I will make other arrangements and let that factor into my decision as to whether to continue the marriage. I'm not setting it as a hard deadline for making a decision on the marriage - that will come when it comes - but I am using it as a goal for myself. By that time I want to be in a much better place, and capable of emotionally taking care of myself no matter what he is up to, and realising this period is as much about me deciding if I want to R as it is in me waiting for him to make a decision or have the capacity to R.
Hey Alison, good for you. I'm glad you decided to plan something for you. Make sure you fill your time up whilst your away. Book spa sessions, theatre tickets, movies, galleries. Doesn't matter what. Just make sure you keep busy.
I work on projects. There is always a crises if you look hard enough for one. Your H sounds like the type of person who hides behind his work. Crises' make him feel important and needed. But they happen every day on every project and everyone copes: systems sh!t themselves, a vital script doesn't get run and millions of pounds are about to end up in the wrong account, a requirement was missed and now the company ABC is going to get fined a shed load of money by a regulator. I will say it again, he is hiding behind his work because a) it validates his need to be important and b) it allows him to avoid having difficult conversations.
Anyway, when you speak to him about going away, don't ask, just tell him. It is school runs, dinner and homework FFS and it's only for a couple of days. He can manage that. Thousands of us manage it every day and still hold down demanding full time jobs.
Well that did not go well. We were speaking on the phone about something else this afternoon, and I mentioned it.
I'd booked it around the dates he had marked off for his work in the shared calendar. He said things had changed and it wouldn't work for him. I said I could move it backwards or forwards by a week if we could sort out the dates now, so I could ring tomorrow and change the booking without having to pay too much of a fee. He said his work was unpredictable and he didn't know if he'd have to travel or not. I said I appreciated he was under pressure, but so was I and I badly needed some recharge time and wanted to work with him to make sure we both got what we needed. I watched my tone - was really friendly and conciliatory and decent, and not upset or whining or needy either.
He started ranting - 'you wanted me to move out, you got what you wanted, now you're coming to me because you want support and all I need is three or four months to put this first' and I said, 'yes, I did want you to move out. And you wanted to move out too. And you are free to put your work before your marriage if you want to. I am moving forward in a different way. I am not asking you to support me. I am telling you that for a few days in a couple of month's time you need to be parenting both of your children while I make some time to support myself.'
It wasn't as horrible as it usually is, but I didn't get any resolution on dates that would be convenient for him, when I tried to get that information he started being mean or evasive again, so I just ended the call because I didn't like how he was speaking to me. And now I am thinking I should just cancel.
I think me not supporting him previously is a fair point. I also think I can't live my life now solely to avoid his anger. And yes, I did very badly want him to move out - because he was behaving like an utter jerk. And yes, a lot of his behaviour would have been reactions to his stress and my own emotional reactivity in the aftermath of his EA and so I am doing the 180 by being calm and dealing with my own feelings and being as encouraging to him in his stress as I can be. But I want my own life. I was really looking forward to that trip. And if I go ahead and take it, it's one more reason he has to hate me, one more reason he has to tell himself what an awful person I am. And I do want to give my marriage the best chance possible.
I just feel so upset now. He was really angry with me. And I think I understand why - he feels very unsupported, has done for a long time (and yes, this is reasonable - our marriage was basically him withdrawing, being vile when I demanded emotional contact, and me shouting and crying when he didn't give me what I wanted) and then I dropped in that I was going away and needed him to step in with both kids during what is the most stressful time of his working life. I thought it was after his working period is over, but I guess that has changed and it isn't my fault that I didn't know it, but perhaps he's just too depleted and anxious and depressed to keep up with admin like that for my benefit. I guess he feels like the LBS and doesn't feel like doing husband duties once I've fired him. He mentioned these encouraging texts - said that words mean nothing, it was just lip service, it changed nothing and I wasn't going to suck him back in by sending a few texts. And I felt so hurt about that. So incredibly hurt. I know I was ambivalent about sending them - probably he's ambivalent about wanting them. And he can't reassure me because he's nothing left, and I can't reassure him because I'm too conflicted and I know he wouldn't believe me anyway. And I miss him and I feel lonely and I am angry with him and it is such a terrible mess. He's like a stranger. And I want him to come home - not this man I am in contact with now, but my actual husband. And he's just gone. And I was just trying to do something nice for myself, but I didn't think about him enough, so now he has his proof that I am this terrible selfish person and that isn't what I meant at all. I am so tired of being sad like this. And I have been trying so hard and I am so sick of him hurting me and me, apparently, making things worse even when I don't mean to. I don't want to do this any more but getting the wheels in motion on a divorce isn't going to make me feel any better either. I feel so totally trapped in this misery.
This whole thing is a misery, I wish I had the answer for us all , I don’t know what is the right path. Maybe we n need to step up our dB game , can we endure? I hope we can , let love rule and do what needs to be done , be strong when we are weak , we can endure
good on you enjoy