Bubbs - Thanks for stopping by. I was wondering if you have your own thread? I was going to look at it, but couldn't find it. I'm not very savvy navigating, though.
Definitely the things you mentioned can aid in depression and shutting down. Infertility is a very difficult journey, and it must be tough on your too. So sorry you are going through this.
I just got back from BootCamp, and feel better. Having a bite to eat, then bible study for about 20 minutes, then a movie with possibly a glass of wine.
Bubbs - Thanks for stopping by. I was wondering if you have your own thread? I was going to look at it, but couldn't find it. I'm not very savvy navigating, though.
Definitely the things you mentioned can aid in depression and shutting down. Infertility is a very difficult journey, and it must be tough on your too. So sorry you are going through this.
I just got back from BootCamp, and feel better. Having a bite to eat, then bible study for about 20 minutes, then a movie with possibly a glass of wine.
Getting on with my routine and life.
Best medicine for my anxiousness, I think.
I just need to remember to take it.
YA and my w always wanted to take the brunt of it all on her own like i wasn't part of it. Like it didn't involve or effect me any. I guess i didn't show the emotions though like she did. We were going to do iui , and or ivf next or so i thought we were . that was the plan until she decided differently i guess. Now i'll be 37 this year and probably getting a D and who knows if I will ever find someone else in time to have children with. It really [censored]
Ya my thread is over on the newcomers section a few pages back probably. its in there.
My butterflies and thoughts of H will just not leave me alone. I'm concerned for him. He has health issues that don't seem to be a big problem right now, but worrisome all the same, and this work issue of which I know very little about.
If I'm truthful, I also sometimes ask myself "why can't he choose ME and 27 years of marriage!". Why can't he turn to ME when he is down.
Because he thinks our M and me are the reason he's unhappy. That's why.
But I'm not. Our M is not. He's the reason he's unhappy.
He will someday want to chose to be happy, or he won't. But it's his choice. I told him as much a week ago. Now I really need to HEAR it for myself, and believe it.
I'm really looking forward to seeing my counselor on Friday. I really need to regroup.
My connection with God seems to be elusive this week. I'm praying hard, but it's not giving me comfort like it did a few weeks ago. I need to learn how to turn off the broken record called anxiousness.
I will continue to pray, keep busy, and remind myself H is out of my control. I can only control my peace and happiness. I've got to get back to that.
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Chirst Jesus." Phil 4: 6-7
The Sitch: Married 26 years EA w/ OM 9/10 Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary) Sep 12/10 She wants D 1/11 W files 5/11 D final 10/11 XW marries OM 6/13
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Chirst Jesus." Phil 4: 6-7
Grace, this is so crazy but I finally sat down to find a novena for you and at the top of the page was this very same prayer! So God has a message for you, DO NOT WORRY, just pray. From reading your posts, you seem to me to be desperate to get rid of the suffering, to find a solution -- e.g., your IC will fix it, your prayer will fix it, etc. I think that this approach is making you crazy, but it's the same approach that makes all of us crazy.
OF COURSE your mind will obsess over OW and H. He is your husband! He is your one flesh and he has betrayed you! If your mind didn't race and obsess, you would not be loving wonderful Grace but a boulder of some kind. Your IC is not going to be able to rationalize your pain away.
As DnJ said on so many thread posts -- This is going to take some time. By prayer and petition, very very slowly, you will begin to have some peace. Not because H changes but because you do. It will take a long time. You will find yourself a year from now, looking at your old posts, and marveling at what you have accepted and how you have some joy again. Pain still but joy too.
The things you say about dating are mystifying to me. I think it is part of your idea that if you just stumble on the right thing, you will be able to not feel pain. Dating is definitely going to distract you and allow you to feel some retribution, to feel attractive. But I think it's kind of like smoking. It is great in many ways but ultimately all the fun it gives you carries grave risks.
I don't think dating will please God in any way, shape or form, or allow you to listen to God's plan for you as a married woman. If you start dating while you are married, you are putting a wall between you and God's voice. I have been able to hear God so much more clearly the more I commit to my stand -- I am in year six. I have been tempted a lot, believe me. But dating is a whole other story.
As for our novena -- I was looking for the best one, and I think we should pray the divine mercy for nine days or the litany of trust for nine days or the untangler of knots for nine days. The litany of trust isn't really a novena but we can use it as one. Most novenas are to a saint, and I thought as a protestant that might seem too over the top for you to pray to a saint. Let me know which one you are picking and what day you will start it, and I will do the same. I will check in with you about it until Lent starts, when I am giving up the boards for at least 40 days.
This one is the Divine Mercy chaplet. You can just use your fingers instead of beads and you can skip the parts of it that seem "too Catholic." They suggest intentions but for our novena, you would pray each day for the one grace you are asking for -- I think we said it would be clarity to understand God's will for us right now, but you can choose the intention you want and it can be more specific, it's up to you! I was just taught to focus on one thing and not have a list of things for one novena. So tell God your intention each day before you start the prayer. This is for whichever of these three you choose. I will check tomorrow to see which one you picked and to know which date to start.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Gerda - thank you for your thoughtful reply, and for the novena suggestions. I should not be surprised that Phil 4: 6-7 appeared before you in your novena search. So many of these types of things have been happening to me. I posted about God telling me to wait last week, and the book I found.
I want to pray the Litany of Trust. I will Start Sunday, March 3. I plan to make index cards to make it manageable and portable (I will be travelling with the kids next week). Thank you so much for your support on my Faith journey!
I just wanted to comment on a few things from your post:
Originally Posted by Gerda
OF COURSE your mind will obsess over OW and H. He is your husband! He is your one flesh and he has betrayed you! If your mind didn't race and obsess, you would not be loving wonderful Grace but a boulder of some kind. Your IC is not going to be able to rationalize your pain away.
I appreciate this. It validates my feelings as normal and real, as opposed to irrational. Thank you. Just to clarify, I am not going to my IC to help rationalize the pain to go away. I just felt I needed someone face to face to vent to, and I have had thoughts that in my own self-healing and awareness, start might want to explore the reason I chose my H to marry in the first place. I think I need to remind myself about the bits other than the deceit, brokenness, and hurt of today. I’ve only seen her twice since October.
Originally Posted by Gerda
The things you say about dating are mystifying to me. I think it is part of your idea that if you just stumble on the right thing, you will be able to not feel pain. Dating is definitely going to distract you and allow you to feel some retribution, to feel attractive. But I think it's kind of like smoking. It is great in many ways but ultimately all the fun it gives you carries grave risks.
I’m not sure exactly what you are referring to, but let me clarify, I have no intentions of dating while married. It goes against all of my core values and beliefs. I still wear my wedding rings, and am very careful to never give the impression to anyone of the opposite sex I might be open to dating. Not to say I don’t wonder about it, or think it would be nice for a man to show interest. It’s been so very long that H did, so I do miss it to be sure. But I will remain firm. I know I would loathe myself if I did. I have reconnected, and met, so many wonderful women, and their friendships are very fulfilling. This is something I had lost while desperately trying to keep our M together. Its nice to have it back!
Originally Posted by Gerda
As DnJ said on so many thread posts -- This is going to take some time. By prayer and petition, very very slowly, you will begin to have some peace. Not because H changes but because you do. It will take a long time. You will find yourself a year from now, looking at your old posts, and marveling at what you have accepted and how you have some joy again. Pain still but joy too.
This is tough for me, for sure. I’m a fixer, and I like to see the results in short order. I pray for patience. I pray for peace. I will continue to do so. I thought I had joy and some peace. I really did. But finding out for sure that my H hasn’t changed, worked on himself, and reached out to OW to help soothe him just sent me back, way, way back. I sometimes wonder why. I shouldn’t be surprised. I wasn’t really surprised. Then why such a huge setback for me? Something to think about maybe.
Anyway, I’m looking forward to sharing the novena experience with you Gerda. Thanks for your support.
Originally Posted by Gordie
We can no longer express what is inside
Just like a little child without the words
And we just want to be held
Gordie - Sometimes I do run out of words, and I just need to rest in His arms. Thanks for the reminder.
Grace, I'm seeing some progress in you. You are feeling down about some things and questioning others, but you are able to see the reasons and the answers, even if you don't like them. Venting is great; wallowing is not. You are seeing the path forward and that is great. Give yourself a nice pat on the back. Keep working through your stages, asking your questions, and working toward to the big, IT JUST DOESN'T MATTER IF YOU CAN'T CHANGE IT. You got this girl.
Thank you for your input and encouragement. I did have a little setback, but overall moving forward, for sure. I saw my IC today. I vented a bit, got a bit on input on a few things, and chatted with whether I should use her in the future as an IC because I wouldn't want to jeopardize using her for a MC IF the opportunity arose again. H seemed to like her, and she seemed to get him. She was able to draw him out a bit. We saw her for about 5 months. Anyway, she still thinks I'm doing well. And I guess I am.
I will be seeing H tomorrow on his b-day. He's coming over to take care of the lawn, and we will have lunch. I have a few small gifts to mark his b-day. We will see how it goes. I don't plan to mention anything about our R, HER, or his work issues. Just pleasant chit chat.
Ya'll say a prayer for me, please!
Tonight I've got Happy Hour with the members of our gym. It's a once monthly thing, and I missed the first one last month. I'm looking forward to it, as we have a great group.
