Hey all, I'm drowning and trying to keep my head above water but I know you all know how that feels. I have been lurking for a few days, halfway through DR book and find my days are so up and down.
Here's our timeline.... I am once divorced already and have an amazing Daughter. First marriage was terrible..cheated on..physically abused...just awful. Thought I was over it but my new found reflection time I have learnt I wasn't which helped lead to the breakdown to the marriage of my soulmate and I.
I met him in November 2015, first date we both said when you know, you know. Moved in together 3 months later, he proposed 3 months after that, we were engaged for 2 years, had the wedding of our dreams last April and in November after a big argument because he wanted to stay out for the night after being away for a week, he told me a few days later he wasn't happy anymore and wanted to end things.
I pleaded, begged cried, we went to counseling, I wasn't a big fan of her, thought she was pushing us to just be happy separately rather than together and he said she was too expensive so we didn't go to her anymore. Holidays suddenly he changed, he wanted to make this work and although it wasn't perfect, we tried. Went to see his family for new years, everything seemed great.
2 weeks later I noticed things were off again, so suggest we find a new MC to get us through it, he admitted to me his mom had called him and told him that she didn't like me and gave this long list of reasons why she didn't like me, everything from the Christmas present I bought him, to apparently wanting to sleep too much when we visited for new years (I was very ill while there and tried my hardest). For the first time he defended me completely and cut ties with his mum, I didn't like that but I started to realize this pattern where usually one of his friends/family don't like me, I make it difficult for him to stay close with them. I don't ask him to cut them out but I wasn't making things easy....why? my confidence and security had taken such a huge nose dive. He fell in love with me because I was determined, confident and secure....then I became a nervous jealous wreck, angry at everything, making irritational decisions to cut out friends and family, I went from loving my job to hating it.
We seemed to be doing fine...not great but the first 3 sessions of MC (and both did IC with same counselor), he was positive and I was negative...could not get over the things his mum said..at the time couldn't see it as a challenge for her to see the real me, just someone else that was adding to my fear of losing him. after so many arguments and me really losing it, I told him I wanted a divorce, he didn't kiss me anymore or make eye contact with me and it was crushing me "when it was his family doing this to us". So many regrets now..... I admitted I didn't want the divorce, that I said it out of anger and just wanted our current crappy marriage to end so we could get back to where we used to be...we really were the best couple and I never took him for granted until about 6-8 months ago....I don't know why.
On feb 13th he sent me a text to say he really wanted the divorce, there was no other option. on the 14th, I stupidly told the world in a facebook status (which he approved of as he felt I needed the support) on the evening of the 14th, he had a settlement offer for me and moved into the spare room on the 15th I called him crying, begging him to reconsider, he promised he will always answer the phone to me, he said we have hope, so much has happened with family and friends but not like anyone has cheated...we have to break completely apart so we can have a chance to come back together. Every day for the next week or so I asked him about the hope and he said yes we just have to completely break apart, I tried to see it as a positive, we have always been proud of being different, smiled when I said this is a chapter in our story not the end of the book. Then I would have a bad day, begging him for reassurance of the hope. We cuddle in his bed etc but he will get so stressed out, I believe and so does he, that he is having a breakdown and choosing to dump daughter (who has called him daddy for 3 years) and I because he can't see any way to happiness.
He keeps saying he hasn't been happy for a while and the only thing that can make him happy is us divorcing.
He wants to make it as quick as possible, we are using a mediator, he already paid him and he wants the divorce done ASAP, probably 30 days. Has said if I fight it I will lock the door and all he has done is closed it for now....so many comments like this giving me hope. When I tried to pull away and say I would move on, he said I won't resign myself to that but do what you need to do to survive the short term.
He begged me for time and space, at first he said he couldn't start to heal until the divorce was final. Now I am staying in the house with him until the summer and he says he can't start to heal until I am gone. he encouraged me to go find somewhere else to buy...I wanted to rent but needed to be realistic that if he doesn't come back, I have to have a good plan in place for daughter and I, so put a deposit on a house that will be finished in summer...yes all in space of a week...it's moving so fast. I asked him what will happen with this house if we end up together, he says it will be an investment property for us.....
I finally bought the book and started realizing everything...he left for a work trip on Friday and gone for a week...I caved and called him Friday night after a weird event and he said you are pushing me away and backing me into a corner so I haven't called him or text etc since....it's torture but I know I can make it until he comes home...and then he goes again for another week....
I've realized so much about everything and this whole thing boils down to my insecurity and lack of confidence, I lost who I was and in turn he did too....I'm seeing the IC still and so is he...(he told her and the attorney that we have hope btw). I just don't want to lose him...I know we can make this work because I see what damage I have caused.... the no contact is killing me...daughter called him today as she misses him and I could hear his voice...not sure if it was a good thing or a bad thing....
Am I stupid for having hope?
ILYBINILWY - 11/19/18 Got Better - 12/20/18 Counseling - Jan and Feb MIL issues - Jan BD - 2/13/2019 IHS - 2/14/2019
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Hope iis always good in my opinion. However, in your case I would temper it with realistic expectations.
Your history is short. Living together in 3 months, engaged in 3 months is fast. Then suddenly the engagement dragged on for two years? Why?
There are some really big red flags here. That maybe this was rushed into and he got cold feet. Only followed through to keep his word. Then a few months into marriage wants out. Hope, I'm just being real here, but at some point you have to look inward for your happiness. Take a breath. Your world will not end if you end up divorcing
Here is the thing. You can't decide. It takes two to make a marriage, only one to make a divorce. So understand that if he wants divorce then you will end up divorced.
So what can you do? Focus on you. First detach. Look up self differentiation in marriage. that will help explain how you lovingly detach. Then 180 on any bad behavior. Not for him, for you and your future. Most important, get a life!! Be busy. Go out and enjoy life. Meet friends for dinner. Take up new things. Be a social butterfly and meet new friends!
Give yourself a makeover. Work out. Eat right. Get a new wardrobe. Take time to do your hair and makeup. Make him take notice that you are improving. Physically, emotionally and mentally.
He'll either come around or he won't, but you'll be well on your way to moving forward..... With or with him!
Last edited by Steve85; 02/25/1908:07 PM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
we held on to save money for the wedding...it was an amazing few days but his family and friends have always made me feel really excluded...they live in a different country. They often say things to him like "we are losing you to her"...and so I didn't really make any effort with them. We also needed to give his family and friends the time to save to come to an international wedding....about 150 people came transatlantic for us which was amazing...but I had very few people there so much happened in our relationship (career change for me, where I cut everyone out, lost niece and nephew and experienced depression, his brother sued him and his family blamed him for it and me for him not being invited to the wedding....I forgot who I was in it all).
I have already lost 20lbs int he last 12 days and feeling more confident...have another 55 to go and I know I can do it...
I have been trying to GAL but I feel like a ghost when I am there at the moment...considering a career change as I have been unhappy for a while which has contributed to all this... I keep trying to focus on moving forward with or without him, I just know we are meant to be together.....we are 2 people different from the world but the same to each other.
He keeps telling me he does love me... but needs to break completely apart to see if it is enough...
He is honest..almost too honest and so I don't think he would keep giving me the hope if it wasn't there... but I'm afraid of not being able to move on while I have hope.
ILYBINILWY - 11/19/18 Got Better - 12/20/18 Counseling - Jan and Feb MIL issues - Jan BD - 2/13/2019 IHS - 2/14/2019
we held on to save money for the wedding...it was an amazing few days but his family and friends have always made me feel really excluded...they live in a different country. They often say things to him like "we are losing you to her"...and so I didn't really make any effort with them. We also needed to give his family and friends the time to save to come to an international wedding....about 150 people came transatlantic for us which was amazing...but I had very few people there so much happened in our relationship (career change for me, where I cut everyone out, lost niece and nephew and experienced depression, his brother sued him and his family blamed him for it and me for him not being invited to the wedding....I forgot who I was in it all).
I have already lost 20lbs int he last 12 days and feeling more confident...have another 55 to go and I know I can do it...
I have been trying to GAL but I feel like a ghost when I am there at the moment...considering a career change as I have been unhappy for a while which has contributed to all this... I keep trying to focus on moving forward with or without him, I just know we are meant to be together.....we are 2 people different from the world but the same to each other.
He keeps telling me he does love me... but needs to break completely apart to see if it is enough...
He is honest..almost too honest and so I don't think he would keep giving me the hope if it wasn't there... but I'm afraid of not being able to move on while I have hope.
ILYBINILWY - 11/19/18 Got Better - 12/20/18 Counseling - Jan and Feb MIL issues - Jan BD - 2/13/2019 IHS - 2/14/2019
Hope, the problem is that he knows he can change his mind and have you back anytime he wants. Human beings are strange creature. They want what they can't have and do not want what they can. So you need to start turning the dynamic on its head. When you truly start to move on he MAY decide he doesn't want to lose you and come back around. What I can guarantee is him knowing he can have you back with a snap of his fingers WILL not work. And you can concur that it hasn't worked.
So start moving on, and let him figure out his stuff.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Thank you Steve. Already so glad to have joined this forum.
You are right and actually that has happened a lot of our relationship. He likes to be different and stand out from the crowd and not the norm...
I am scared that everything is moving so fast and he wants the divorce so quickly...
I'm learning to say nothing at all about the relationship, only discuss the divorce in the attorney's office right?
I'm trying to be grateful for this real time apart now so I can start these habits of having no contact and then when he is back, I will know I can leave him completely alone. I am hoping that he can figure out the time and space while we are still living together...but realize now everything I did in the past 2 weeks was detriment to that.
I think i am at that point where I know what I have to do.... no contact...LRT, and I am determined to do it...but terrified at the same time.
@ready2change - that's correct! 6 year old from H1. H2 is without doubt my soulmate, I am 30 in a few weeks, he is 35.
ILYBINILWY - 11/19/18 Got Better - 12/20/18 Counseling - Jan and Feb MIL issues - Jan BD - 2/13/2019 IHS - 2/14/2019
Thank you Steve. Already so glad to have joined this forum.
You are right and actually that has happened a lot of our relationship. He likes to be different and stand out from the crowd and not the norm...
I am scared that everything is moving so fast and he wants the divorce so quickly...
I'm learning to say nothing at all about the relationship, only discuss the divorce in the attorney's office right?
I'm trying to be grateful for this real time apart now so I can start these habits of having no contact and then when he is back, I will know I can leave him completely alone. I am hoping that he can figure out the time and space while we are still living together...but realize now everything I did in the past 2 weeks was detriment to that.
I think i am at that point where I know what I have to do.... no contact...LRT, and I am determined to do it...but terrified at the same time.
@ready2change - that's correct! 6 year old from H1. H2 is without doubt my soulmate, I am 30 in a few weeks, he is 35.
ILYBINILWY - 11/19/18 Got Better - 12/20/18 Counseling - Jan and Feb MIL issues - Jan BD - 2/13/2019 IHS - 2/14/2019
