Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Down But Not Out - Part VI

Pleasant text exchange with my H over some kid issues (snow storm here today and lots of cancellations of things) and then last text apologetically asking me about the SA and if I know what the timeline is with my L. Ugh...there is that awful burning sensation in my chest again and now my eyes are welling up with tears. When am I going to get past this??? It still hurts so much. I just have this awful picture in my head of my H reinventing himself with wife #3 and becoming the husband he could have been with me if he had felt more like a man and less like a rebellious teenager. Honestly, this really does feel like half of this is about him running away from home and finally getting to stand on his own two feet. I really believe that having kids and living with his mom was such a set up. It was fine when it was just him and I because we would go for days without seeing her but when we had our kids, she got super involved and I think over time it became too much for him to have "two wives". I think that is one of the reasons he did not even attempt to get me to move out. The option in the SA for him to buy me out was just there for show really. He knew I couldn't possibly take him up on it and I honestly think he didn't want me to. Ah well... hindsight is always 20/20, isn't it?

So sorry you are going through this, its unfortunate that your H is playing with your emotions. Very important to be strong in these moments. He knows full well that you didnt have an answer for him so why did he ask. Tell him please keep all conversations only about the kids, everything else goes through the L's.

What a great guy he must be!!! SMH....

Deja please stop trying to figure everything out you are driving yourself crazy. Work on yourself. He has the kids, you have the free time to do what you want. Are you following the advice given here? What GAL activities are you doing? Snowing out... well is there skiing in your area then go... movie theater... go... gym.... go.... start moving keep busy. Its the only way out of this. Sitting there thinking about everything you could have done or would have done is not helping.

(((DV6)))

You will. In small pieces, but you will. And it will continue to hurt. Some days will be more painful than the others.

But you will also be healing. It's like recovery from a serious accident. You don't get better quickly. It takes months upon months for recovery.

I can truly say that yes, overall, things go and WILL get better in time. You may not feel it day to day, but over a prolonged period you will notice a positive change.

You just need to remember to keep taking care of yourself. Love yourself. Think about what makes DV6 so wonderful and build on that. Make the world know of your amazing traits. Let your body scream the amazing qualities you possess.



He will not be. He is not putting the work in now. And even if it was, it's half-assed. Half-assery does not get anyone far. Sooner or later it will come back to bite him.





Yep, but how would you know what went wrong and how to fix it if you did not go through the event? Learn from it and work on not letting it happen again.



This. Fake it until you make it. It does work.

(DV)

You haven't failed. This is where I'd suggest you take the focus off your H and place that on you.

This morning, my S6 also wrapped his thin, little body around my leg telling me he wanted to stay with me and not go with mommy. He saw me in my t-shirt and not my work shirt so thought I was staying home. I questioned for a split second if my W registered all of this and would have the capacity to think about what would happen in the future or if she even cared. Wasted energy.

It's near 6 months for me and I know how you feel about it feeling like eternity in some ways and others, just like yesterday.

I'm alone in the house tonight so I did a little ruminating and let some thoughts flow where I got teary eyed. Got that out of my system and I'm good for a while. It's okay to feel... I'm disappointed, hurt, a little afraid, angry, lonely, and at the same time, I know I will be okay, I know better. We have to keep moving and not wallow or have self pity. It doesn't serve us any good. I get that burning feeling too. I used to get unbearable headaches. I pop a lot of Tylenol through the days. When I do feel a swell of emotion, I sometimes let it flow through and I think about something good so I can smile through the pain.

From the exchange with your H on your S feelings, it's good to hear that your H said he would work with him this weekend.

You two have to take baby steps and make the necessary adjustments as you go in trying to figure this out. I'd always keep the line of communication clear with your H if you want or need him to do something for your kids. I don't think its a crazy expectation if you have a genuine concern and need the other parent to know so they too can help deal with it.


You'll make it through DV. Hugs to you and your kids.

Please do something great for yourself this weekend.

Thank you BHappy and Phoenix.

I went and got my nails done after work and made plans with my nail tech for a girls night next weekend. She wants to give me a makeover...lol. She is a few years younger than me, single and wanting to cultivate more female friendships like me. She is quite different from me...a bit on the flakey, quirky side...but she has a big heart and a genuine spirit. I always feel better after we have spent some time together.

The burning feeling in my chest has subsided. I think it is a mixture of grief, disappointment, disbelief (still) and fear. None of those feelings are pleasant on their own but combined they can be overwhelming at times. I think it will be awhile yet for the burning to go away completely. That will be a big sign for me that I have fully achieved detachment and acceptance.

GAL activities... I am getting there. Kids are still with me 75% of the time and I work full-time so my free time is a bit limited. The gym I had a membership to went bankrupt a few months ago and the other ones nearby aren’t really my cup of tea. There is a new one opening soon nearby so hoping it will be offering some good membership deals. I would prefer a women’s-only gym but the only one we had is the one that went bankrupt. I have my pool league once a week and was thinking about joining one of the local Rotary clubs. Still have yet to start guitar lessons but trying to practice a little each day so I can build up some callouses on my fingers and be able to play for the duration of a lesson. My main goal is to build up a bigger network of friends so I won’t feel my sister’s absence too much when she goes away in December for a couple months.

Phoenix... I like the goals you have been setting for yourself. You have come a long way.

Much love to you both. (((HUGS)))

Thank you Adam. The feelings and thoughts you have are so much like mine. I, too, know I will be okay and maybe even better off in the end. But I have to get through the grief first and that is just going to take time.There are no short cuts unfortunately and if I tried to make one, I know I would only regret it in the end. At the end of the day, I have to be able to look in the mirror and be okay with the person looking back at me. Sorry about your headaches. I’ve been plagued with them for most of my life. I’ve had way too many trips to the emergency room than I care to remember. As I’ve gotten older, however, my headaches have decreased a somewhat and increased in longevity. I get them about once every four to six weeks now and they last about three days. No fun at all.

My H has been good with our kids. When he was living his double life, he was not a great dad. He was good when he was around but you can’t really be too effective when your kids only see you an hour a day. My D11 even commented the other day that she sees her dad way more now that he doesn’t live with us. How backwards is that.

I hope you have a good weekend too. I do have some plans. I get every other Monday off so this is my three-day weekend. I’ve got plans for each day. Tomorrow is a women’s wellness fair at the local convention centre and my sister is staying overnight. We’re up early on Sunday and heading to the mainland for an overnight trip...something we do every year around our birthday. I always look forward to it.

We will both make it through. Love and (((HUGS))) to you and your little boy.

Hi Dejavu, I've been going through this for years and I still feel grief. There's a book on Amazon called "Left Alone to Learn" that captures what we're feeling. Hopefully you can order it!

So sorry this has dragged on so long for you Nicole. Cannot imagine feeling this way for years. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. I will check out that book for sure. Thanks. (((HUGS)))

Great weekend for me!! I’m at a casino/resort in Washington. Spent the morning and early afternoon shopping and got some great deals including next year’s winter jackets for my kids. Spent the evening at the casino and my name got called to go into this “cage of cash”. I had 30 seconds to grab as much “cash” that was blowing all over the place. It was much harder than I thought. They called a name every hour so only about five people’s names got called when I was there. The guy before me won $180 in slot play so I didn’t have high hopes that I would do much better. I lucked out though and won $820 in slot play!!! I turned it into $780 cash which is over $1,000 Cdn. So cool!! Split it with my sister. We’re thinking it is good that we won because there is a chance we might not make it home tomorrow. Major snow storm. All the schools where I live are closed which is great cause I won’t have to rush home to pick up my kids from school. They’re just going to stay with their dad. It is supposed to be better tomorrow so we’re crossing our fingers.

Love and (((HUGS))) to all of you out there in DB Land.

Wooo congrats DV that sounds like a fun time!