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To add to Andrew's suggestions...be sure to unplug the washer before working on it!!! I know you already know this, but it's a reminder because when we have to deal w/such stuff we sometimes to forget to do it.

Hello Gerda

It sounds like your most immediate problem is the washing machine.

To start with is it a top load or front load machine? The fact that it is soap and water, as opposed to just water implies the “leaking” happens during the washing cycle.

In a top loaded machine this problem is most often attributed with the overflow tube, with the root cause being too much detergent or wrong kind. This make too much suds and clogs the tube and splash, water on the floor. Run a drain cycle, a few rinse cycles, a try again.

However, you “feel” it might be a seal. So I am guessing you have a front load machine. Also going with perhaps your environmental qualities steered you towards the more water efficient machine. These machines top contributors to leaks are indeed the door seals. A soiled gasket, too much soap, and even a trap item can cause water leakage. Drain and empty the machine, clean and inspect the seal, an then run a few rinse cycles. If you do find that the seal is damaged it will require replacing.

The door could also not be closing properly, hinges could be out of alignment. Say from some MLCer slamming the door. If that is the case a simple realignment might just fix things.

Both types of machine could have piping or pump leaks. However, most of the time these start small and get bigger over time - not a sudden “I Love Lucy”ish type thing.

As for if I think you could replace it yourself. Gerda, I think you can do anything you put your mind to.

Now, there is a difference between could and should. Given all that is going on in your life, pretty darn busy. Also this repair has a reasonable probability of causing some stress and frustration. However, success would cause satisfaction and elation. Hmmm.

Not knowing the age of the washer does complicate things. Age is a factor... in washing machines. I like older mature women, but I want a shinny new washing machine. Most definitely not the other way around.

What a minute, I digress. An old appliance has old parts which are also ready to fail. So depending on age it behooves you to just replace the entire machine for years of trouble free service. Also a washing machine is really needed, cannot afford to have it down for too long waiting for parts.

So, first try the drain/rinse idea and see if it was just a temporary too much soap situation. If it is something more than that easy fix - get a new washer and dryer. Give the old ones to H in the settlement. Lol.

DnJ

I agree with DNJ

But I have fixed my washing machine many times

So a few more thoughts

A worn seal usually leaks and does not gush

However most seals are held by a spring mechanism

If the spring mechanism fails you can get a gush

This should be obvious with the naked eye

As the seal will not be able to stay up on its own

And the broken part will be around somewhere

And did not your H remove the water softener

If so mineral build up may be clogging your drain pipe

So instead of the pump pumping water out the drain pipe

It is pumping it out wherever it will go

This will eventually cause the pump to overheat and burn out

I think it's funny that my question about the washer got more replies than anything I have ever posted about my sitch!

OK, peeps, I love how much you want to help me. So can you just come over and do it? Especially Gordie, who is apparently a part-time washer repairman!

Remember I live in a city and quarters are very tight. My washer/dryer is wedged into a closet I carved out of a front hall that leads to the basement. In order to move the stack of washer/dryer, I would have to pry off the molding around the closet opening. I can barely jam myself in on the side of the thing and it is HEAVY. So I might have to buy a new washer simply because I don't have the strength to move the stack, let alone take the dryer down to try to work behind everything. In a certain way, the guy who quotes $300 doesn't know what he is getting himself into!

To make matters more MLC-ish, my H came home last night looking haggard and haunted, as usual, to announce to me that he had had his second blow-out with the tire and could not change the tire because the car was on a hill way uptown where he was when it happened. It was his second blow-out, and he told me there must be something wrong with the tire, he had called AAA and that's what they said, and he can't afford another tire because he just replaced the other one that blew out. We don't usually make daily use of our very old car, and he has been driving miles upon miles everyday for this new job. He said that he will be driving on the spare tire because he can't afford to get another, and that "when you use it, you'll be driving on it too."

I wanted to send him a note about how I would love to help but if he won't fix the washer, I have no money to do anything, was many K short on mortgage this month and had to spend all my savings on a lawyer for a D I don't want. But I remembered what DnJ said about the car, and I decided I should just find a hundred bucks to pay for a used tire and keep the peace until I get my deal.

The only reason I thought it might be good to say anything specific about the money troubles is because I like to have everything in writing. Lawyer said if we go far down this line, it's good to have proof of all my attempts to communicate or involve him with these expense issues.

My H has always been a total disaster with car, constantly getting tickets, etc. That is one reason why I started to never ask him for help moving the car (for street cleaning) and just did it all myself. Even then, my car gets booted like once a year because of tickets he got and never paid or told me about, always costs like $600 to get the boot off. So last week he got towed and has to fight the ticket. And last week I also got a notice with HUGE fines because he had been using our toll Pass on my credit card, which maxed out, and he just kept going through EZ Pass when it wasn't working. The deal was he was supposed to take a route to work that didn't require a toll but he ignored that with no guilt about racking up ten bucks a day on my card. It's so weird how he still perceives us in this self righteous way as a family that has family expenses, family eggs in the fridge, family olive oil. He told me I have to pay the fine by a certain date or it will triple in fines.

So I am on the fence about it all but I think the best thing I can do here is follow DnJ's advice and make no waves about the car until I get at least my custody down on paper.

And it also fits in with my Christian desire to not become enslaved by anger or justice-seeking. Obviously I can't do this long-term or I would have no money for food, which is what was happening last year when I started limiting what I gave and that is what led him to divorce. But I think DnJ was right that I should just bide my time for another month or so in hopes that the custody agreement gets signed.

Also here is an interesting thing for all of us --

One of my friends at a cafe i go to for doing my on=line work is this serious intellectual wacko Jungian shrink. I tell him periodically about H. We had the most interesting conversation yesterday about how H is displaying Lacan’s theory of the psychotic’s regression into the feminine. He said that it sounds like H's creation of a new reality is the only way he can actually survive without completely losing his mind or committing suicide, and that the regression into the feminine is manifested in all those things he is saying all the time about my emasculating him, about how I don’t know how to be a woman to a husband, how I am a feudal lord, etc. In other words, this alternate reality he has constructed about me and about what is going on is his attempt to heal his psychosis and not actually die from the terror and horror he is living in.

It was really interesting and kind of comforting to see this in such a clear diagnostic way even though my underlying belief is that God does impossible things so it almost doesn't matter.

It also gives me something specific to pray for on his behalf and helps me forgive me.

Don't worry, I mean forgive from afar.

Hello Gerda

A few hundred bucks here and there for a couple of blown tires. Pretty small potatoes compared to the custody and settlement. Since H is still working towards that, I do like the idea of keeping the waves small and not getting in his way. I do understand what a pain he is being with his drain on nonexistent petty cash reserves. You see this well, IMO, no point in fighting over $10 toll fees for a couple of months; you are picking your battles, the ones that really matter. I do hope this particular fisical timeline is a short one.

So, did any of the quick fixes work on your washer? I am guessing not, given your post about what it would take to remove the errant appliance from its current location.

For $300, get that handyman over. Boil some water, pour yourself a nice tea, and enjoy getting the washer replaced from his labour. Remember that bit about picking your battles? Gerda doesn’t need a strained back on top of everything else she is dealing with.

In the interests of saving your back, and some cash, I have some other suggestions. Well one suggestions and one stating a possibility.

Ask H for help. I really don’t like that one. However, perhaps he is feeling somewhat generous and helpful; unlikely with his pushing for divorce. I do not recommend this, I only include it to show there is usually more than one way to approach a problem. And to highlight how much better my actual suggestion is.

Ask S13 for help. Really! A thirteen year old boy can be quite strong, small enough to get in those tight places, and eager to please and be a man. You and your son I’m sure are more than capable, under your direction, to get the washer and dryer out of the closet. D11 would probably be interested in helping as well. There are jobs she can also handle. Example while S13 is removing moulding, D11 can unplug machines, turn off water, and remove dryer vent. It would be a good bonding time IMHO. All my kids helped lots with repairs and renovations.

Don’t think I am ignoring your posts about your situation. I do want to converse with you on that topic. However, having no washing machine is not a fun place to be in, and this is something that can be resolved rather quickly compared to that marathon we are all in.

DnJ

Hello Gerda

Oh my goodness.

What are the chances...

So, I am doing laundry. Ha ha. I can’t believe it.

Anyhow, the motor on the top load high efficiency washer quits working. Will not spin anymore during the drain cycle. Clothes are sopping wet. Took them out and tried just a spin cycle, and the washer clacked and buzzed, tried to spin, and some big time grinding noises. Darn, it’s only four years old. Well it’s broken. Something in the drive mechanism has packed it in.

I get my truck out and head off to city to get new washer and dryer. On route truck accelerator gets stuck. Didn’t realize it until I tapped the breaks to take it off cruise control, at the stop sign at the intersection of two highways, of course it didn’t slow down correctly. Luckily no cars around, did a crazy fishtail u-turn in the intersection and headed home. Anyhow, got home all safe and sound. The truck is racing around 5000 rpm, not to good. Kind of wild parking it.

So called the store, ordered a new washer and dryer, arranged delivery for Monday, and to pick up old ones.

I’ve been think about you quite a bit while dealing with this. I got a chance to follow my own advice.

Now I got to fix my truck. I think I’ll wait for a while, it’s -29 outside.

DnJ

I feel a little guilty that I enjoyed your story so much.

We are back to being the same coin!

Well, except on your side of the coin -- Heroic Handyman with formidable strength to tame the most savage truck beasts in Flannel Cape and equipped with a regular salary flying with a warm heart over frigid ice fields to purchase new machines with the greatest of ease, able to leap a tall truck accelerator with a single bound.

I make light of it but thank God you were able to think so fast and so well and also that no one was around. I am glad you are safe!

S13 yelling at me as I write to make him dinner at 11:30 at night. Not quite the helpful elf you are imagining in your post above.

Anyway, sleep well, glad you are safe!

Good Morning Gerda

It’s ok. You can enjoy my unfortunate washing machine woes. A little guilty pleasure. I am seeing the humour in my laundry circumstances.

S21 came home last night from his visits to his GF in city 2 hours away. He just left from work on Friday. Didn’t tell me or siblings anything - oh well. I can’t control him either, and he is infatuated so his priorities are shifted at the moment. I am guessing the two of them are deciding to give this relationship a go, even with the long distance. Although I believe that distance is temporary, S21 is probably still looking at moving to city - maybe a little sooner than originally anticipated. Time will tell.

I told him about the broken washer, that I had new washer and dryer coming on Monday or Tuesday, and therefore the washer is out of service. I could see it in his eyes and expression, he needs to do laundry. I told him that the motor doesn’t run so washing is not great and it just doesn’t spin the cloths dry at all. So do not use. He looked relieved with the idea of laundry abilities being restored within days, stating “I can work with that”. Yes, the adolescent point of view.

He tells me that he noticed that the machine wasn’t working last weekend when his clothes came out so sopping wet. I found out he just threw them in the dryer like that - wet - not wrung out at all. Of course he was in a rush last weekend as well. He now says that was kind of dumb, and a lot of weight in the dryer. Ah kids! They are pretty smart if they would just slow down and look around a bit. Tough to do when you “know” everything. Ha ha. We were all young once, and been there.

Anyhow, after breakfast I’ll detach the washer from the water, move it out from the wall. Disconnect the dryer vent and move the dryer out. I need to clean the dryer vent piping anyhow, been putting that off for a while. Will move the dog food, and other things that are in the way between machines and door in preparation for new arrivals.

I am sorry that the helpful elf is not quite so helpful. Keep encouraging and steering him towards the man he can become. I know you are, and I know how much you are already juggling in part time jobs and life. How is son’s therapy going? Last I rememeber son was quite impressed with him and was opening up. I do hope the progress is still as good.

Enjoy your Sunday Gerda.

DnJ

Hello Gerda


I am guessing that these feelings are relatively new, in that you have not been feeling these for years and years. I could be way off base, however that is the premise I’m going with.

Remember feelings are fleeting. Acknowledge and accept them, and stop feeding them.

You are facing H’s pushing for a divorce. Something that you have been in denial about. Not intellectually. Emotionally in denial. Perfectly normal and sensible. One wouldn’t deal with emotions regarding a divorce if one weren’t getting divorced.

Now as denial slips away, the next stage is anger, and it shows. The being p!ssed off and the hot tub of fury, are pretty subtle but I saw them. You want to hate H, and you want to love and forgive. Pretty confusing isn’t it? Don’t worry things will settle within yourself. Acknowledge the anger and realize why you feel that way. It will take a little time to defuse all this.

The other part, the wanting to be wild, smoke, drink, affairs, and run away. Sure looks like temptation to me.

The left behind spouse has many aspects to their journey, and you are no different. Once you have healed enough intellectually and emotionally, indifference starts to happen. I believe you are experiencing your first tastes of indifference.

As your feelings for H are diminished and attenuate, you will feel a need to fill that void. Temptation is so powerful during this time. Those rebellious ideas feel so good. However intellectually you know differently. Again further misalignment and confusion. Follow your beliefs.

This state is temporary, even though it doesn’t feel like it. This also takes a little time to settle and work through. Your beliefs will be tested - a lot! Stay strong to who you truly are.

Remember feelings are fleeting. Acknowledge and accept them, and stop feeding them.

DnJ