Betsey, You know by now my passion for homework I went back to thread #8 to find the dialogue between you, Trish and many others, and a couple of things struck me as particularly pertinent.
Quote: Remember the windshield incident??? Do you really know why that worked?? Because he saw YOU with your defenses down...making an idiot of yourself. And that is OKAY!!...He saw you making a fool of yourself and he was now no longer the ONLY fool.... He doesn't neeed your bluffing......
He needs you to take the biggest risk of your life and let him see you.... warts and all, out of control, and making mistakes and embarrassed about them......TELLING HIM HOW YOU FEEL IN YOUR HEART.
Being a soft.....vulnerable...... woman........ who needs him, her man....warts and all, mistakes and all......handling homeless bums, little girls with great needs and maybe just a little credit now and again for sticking in there...even though he hasn't been exactly accepted!
This is going to take a lot of skin shedding. BUT, I can totally see Trish's point. It MUST be easier to have fun with someone who can be foolish every now and then, as opposed to someone who falls apart only in the face of extreme adversity. Hmmm.
Thanks again, forpointing me in the direction of greater clarification, you and KAW and the rest of the folks here have been just what I need. Big, juicy hug to you all. Slowly.
HOW to show a WAH that you ARE vulnerable... I mean, I am in need, I DO need rescuing, but ALL because of HIM... without the pleading and crying and rest of the mess that DBing says is NOT allowed? Or with an MLC spouse it just doesn't matter?
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Well, this is still really hard for me. REALLY hard. I grew up the hard way not having anyone come to my rescue. The friends I have are ones who I've had for a really long time, and they were the ones who helped me rescue myself.
My D10 has a CD by the Disney Cheetah girls and there is one song that really resonates with me called Cinderella. It's about some tough girls who won't wait around for some guy who pretends to be a knight to rescue them.. and the last phrase in the refrain is, "I'd rather rescue myself."
Well, I suspect that I learned that sentiment a long time ago by not having someone I could trust to rescue me. And the kick butt, take names person I am, I learned that the only person who could be depended on was myself.
Where was Mr. Wonderful when I got the diagnosis on our D7? Doing his usual running away. But then again, as you pointed out, it was definitely a case of extreme adversity.
I suspect that before he left, he relished the times where I was vulnerable. I can think of a few instances, and instead of him rescuing me, I was reprimanded for being stupid or naive or thoughtless. Not exactly the way I hoped to be rescued.
It's as though my weakness made him think less of me.
I see now that his resentment is what colored this vulnerability in this manner. I'm still not hip on putting myself out there for him to tromp on me (or anyone else, for that matter). But in order to build trust, we have to extend it and hope to hell that the other person acts responsibly with our hearts. Right?
Slowly, I hate seeing this stuff come back, especially because it seems to keep biting me in the butt. But I have to say thanks for the reminder. The lesson is always right behind me, no matter how hard I pretend it's gone.
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
It destroys one's nerve to be amiable every day to the same human being. ~ Benjamin Disraeli
Journaling Monday. This quote reflects how I sometimes feel about keeping such a tight lid on the more wayward emotions, zipping my mouth and dbing my heart out. I know the process works, just that there are moments when I fear my strength will desert me. Thank God I have you good people here
Positives + H invited me to lunch over at his client project office, yeah. And he came home early for tea again. I'm now utterly convinced he is trying to SHOW me that contact with OW is over. Lunch and afternoons were their traditional get togethers. I'm going to keep enjoying this attention. + we went to see Van Helsing – good entertainment. Felt like we were dating again, with dinner after the movie. + We are both on medication for the cold, feeling better + H is doing good research for our long weekend getaway at the end of May. Really putting effort into this. This is one situation I'm glad I asked for help
Negatives - My impatience is clouding my judgement and enjoyment of life. I need to kick myself harder to slow down. For example, I got stressed out a bit yesterday because I did not get time to consider boundary issues at Central Perk. Well, I think the trust and vulnerability thing is more inportant in our sitch, sooo, I'm going to be kind to myself, slow down, and focus on just one lifetime-habit-changing program for this week - Getting crazy busy at work, I must decline projects more often. It is fun, and rewarding, but right now, and for the next few months, I need to focus on changes to the woman in the mirror.
Off to do some visiting. Maybe come back for more heart work on figuring out when to be strong and when it is more than ok to lean on someone. Slowly.
Just caught up on your thread right up to your recently posted update... wow, working thru the night does seem to have its + side.
Reading your +'s & -'s and compared to just over a month ago does tell a tale on how far you have come in just a short time. I remember how you were struggling to just get his attention ... competing with his laptop. Now coming home early daily for tea ... more conversation ... going to movies, planning trips, etc...
As you reflect upon the woman in the mirror, make sure to note your recent accomplishments and allow yourself to smile at your achievement. You deserve that recognition too.
KAW - You are so good for my PMA - what a boost your kind words have been. Yes, H and I have come a long way. I'm happy with the progress, and am conscious that this will be a lifelong journey The trick now is to approach things more calmly, in the spirit of enhancement, rather than my original approach of desperation. Ain't perpective a grand illusion? A big hug to you, KAW. Slowly
Just revisiting goals - updating for developments last week.
1. I will continue my voyage of spiritual exploration and personal growth. This has centered me, and boosted personal strength. Current assignment is to look at the re-balancing of being strong and opening up to support, love and care. Trusting H not to abuse any exposed vulnerabilities
2. Enjoy family and friends connections. We may have swung to the other extreme, time to slow down a bit
3. Allow H space to deal with his issues. We now have R (and A, OW) talks about once a week, and H seems to value my input. S L O W L Y getting our R back to what it should be, then improving it
4. Keep on filling H's tank. With hindsight, I've been careless about this (as has he). I will keep in mind his LLs and work on these consciously first, then as a habit. Taking time to acknowledge steps he is taking every day to reassure me in his own way. Let go for now evidence of residual relationship with OW
5. Take good care of my health. Long overdue visit to the dentist, and ugh, need to fix bags under my eyes Must get back to a more settled sleep pattern. Recover from cold and chest infection first
6. Keep an eye on our financial stability. Put together a guerilla marketing program
7. Spring clean and shift unwanted usables to Oxfam
8. Start putting some structure around charitable works. Contact some agencies and inquire about volunteer work
Still a lot to be done, but hey, this is how I am choosing to live my life Slowly
Hi Betsey - To be honest, I would rather NOT deal with this issue at all
Quote: I'm still not hip on putting myself out there for him to tromp on me (or anyone else, for that matter). But in order to build trust, we have to extend it and hope to hell that the other person acts responsibly with our hearts. Right?
Right. AND having had my heart trampled on so mercilessly with the A, I just don't know where I'm going to find the courage to open up.
Like you, this is going to be really difficult for me. BUT I must get this right, I honestly think this is a deal-breaker for the kind of relationship I now want. I can see H slipping back into the pre-A mode of minimal words and sharing, and I'm at risk of doing this too. For our R to thrive, and to attain its full potential, some of these old issues do need to be exposed. H too has a lot of baggage from his childhood, and I think seeing me shed my shell will encourage him to do so.
Just how to translate these lofty ideas into do-able daily actions is the next challenge. Thoughts, anyone?
Thank you for visiting my thread! I just finished reading through this thread to get a feel for what's happening with you.
In regards to feeling vulnerable...oh boy...I have a lot to say on this.
First, when Husband and I first started dating, 10 years ago, he had an ex-girlfriend who was still calling him and occasionally flying him out to her college for a booty call. And of course, not telling her boyfriend of the week that her ex was visiting.
When I found out about her, I told him, "Look, it seems to me that the two of you have unfinished business...I think you and I should stop seeing each other."
He assured me that they were just friends.
At one point he confessed to me that she was his safety net.
At another point, he told me that she needed him.
He handled the whole situation badly and freely admits that now.
But I took away a couple of things from that whole situation.
That even at my best, I wasn't good enough.
And that I wasn't needy enough.
So...I started to become needy. Got depressed. Got fat.
Did it work? Hah! No Way...it drove him away.
Obviously the lessons I learned were false.
And the words he said did not match the meaning of the same words to me. Lost in translation between manspeak and womanspeak.
Fast forward to today.
I am no longer clingy/needy etc. (Don't doubt me I do have bad moments/backslides...just for the most part I'm better. )
So, I have found that there is one area in which I can show my vulnerability...if I handle it right.
The most effective way seems to be for me to come to him when I'm having a panic attack.
The most recent example. He got cable installed for our computers this past weekend.
I went to him and said, "Hon, I'm having a panic attack. I need some reassurance that with this cable modem that our marriage won't go back to the way it used to be...with you always on the computer and me feeling abandoned. I'm sure it won't be that way, but I really need to be reassured right now."
He smiled, pulled me close and gently told me, "It won't be like that."
I took a deep breath...smiled and thanked him for making me feel safe.
Drat...I should have listed this in my positives.
In any case...I think the key is in telling him that I know he's not the bad guy...that I just need reassurance...that I'm scared.
But I think to begin with, I went to him about panic attacks that I was having in regards to others...issues that had nothing to do with him. And when he reassured me, I was quick to thank him for making me feel safe.
In fact, this past weekend, I told him that I was sorry for my panic attacks. That I felt like they were a burden to him. He told me that it complicates his life. And that he likes that. (Between us girls..I think he meant, he likes being my knight)
Hi slowly, just reading through here....I always get so much to think about from your thread, you are so wise and doing so well, I don't know what to add. just know I'm thinking about you and rooting for you....I feel in my heart you are going to get where you want to go!
I went back to thread #8 to find the dialogue between you, Trish and many others, and a couple of things struck me as particularly pertinent. 
Betsey 
