Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Brave Little Gerda Faces the Cutting Winds

DnJ, I will not answer your other post right now because the car situation reared its head AGAIN. I don't know if I was a good student of your and Job's posts on that, just went back to my last thread to read that. I was planning to use the car this weekend and H told me he wasn't working at his job Thurs-Mon so I was planning to go somewhere today.But with my son it's always touch and go so I don't like to have to tell my H anything about plans. Wanted to go to our cabin but I always have to wait to see if S will agree to go on the day we are leaving and often he doesn't want to. Or it will be horrible weather, like today, and I can't face the drive and the cold by myself. (Fun with an H or with friends, alone rather lonely and difficult.)

But if I get into conditional use of car, I get those horrifying e-mails.

Rock and hard place.

Trying to follow your advice from the car posts you made seems like it will set me up for mean e-mails when/if I have to change the plans.

I haven't been able to use the car to go grocery shopping since he started this job. So I have to hang four bags of groceries on my bike and fill a heavy backpack to get groceries for the kids.

I used to sometimes on the spur of the moment decide to take the car to IKEA or to somewhere else that is far.

So I just don't want to ask him in advance for anything. I just want a schedule.

But your School of Gerda's Car Usage says that I can't do this.

And I know that the D will decide all this anyway soon enough.

But I want to stand up for myself because I need the car sometimes! And if I don't have the car to use, I am not paying for the insurance and repairs -- and I just noticed that he is using $10 of tolls every time he goes to work and it's all on my card. That's like 50 bucks a week! He sees my cards as the "family" card and believes that the family should pay for such things since I refuse to sell the house and thus it is my fault that he has no money.

I am not complaining but just giving an example of why it is hard to get free of this tar baby situation.

Just as example -- He is still thinking that this is his house and we are a family when it comes to using things in the household and paying for nothing. He also tends to eat all the eggs I buy, or if I bake, he will eat half of the cornbread though he doesn't eat carbs, will say to me, "Do we have any olive oil?" Or "We are out of butter."

And if you read the grocery acquisition line above, you can see that it's all annoying because it's so hard to get the groceries here! I alternate between getting mad about it and saying, "Well, he is my H and I said it was unconditional for me, and even with my enemy, I am to share all that I have." And I feel more peaceful with myself if I say nothing about the eggs and if I even offer him something of what I am making when I can muster the energy from my "being dark/dim."



So what do you think about the car? I have been trying to write an e-mail about it for the last half hour and to only make it two lines but nothing works for both the DnJ/Job school of car usage and for the actual ability to use the car and avoid getting a horrible e-mail about it.

Good Morning Gerda

I had a picture of you in my head riding your bike four bags hanging from handles and loaded backpack. Take a taxi! Don’t worry about the few bucks right now. Of course that is from me, living in a different climate than you. It is -32 degrees today, windchill is -44. That is all in Celsius, so in Fahrenheit - lets see - 5/9th add 32 carry the one, stand on one foot, spin and - its damn cold!

Ok actual meanful (hopefully) advice.

How soon do you want, think, desire, can reasonable expect a separation agreement?

During this time I would not recommend rocking the boat too much. You are attempting to get things signed, and he is showing interest in the same.

The car has been used and scheduled like this for quite some time. You have not asserted your stand on this matter, and now feel like it is time you should. A most excellent response. However, the timing is now not great - that deal in the works.

For a short while I would, breath deeply, let it go, let him win this one, all for the bigger picture. Keep things the same, things appear from my vantage to be working in your favour for the upcoming agreements. Do not mess with things that are working.

I know that appears contradictory; remember the last time we spoke about this your situation was different or atleast your view of it was different, because of H’s unshared plans.

So, seriously. Take a taxi, or Uber, or friend, or rent a car, or bus (well not rent a bus, take a bus, I really should just move that bus part instead of writing this long bit, but I think you need a smile, probably a hug too (((Gerda))) )

You get the idea. In your agreement give him the car. You will buy yourself a new (or new to you) one in your new life. Just get through these few months, and get the deal signed.

It is weird how the focus shifted isn’t it? Same goals, different focus, at the moment.

This is not an immediate solution to the car problem, it is a long game strategy. It does address your not wanting to have horrible emails and conversations. It also knowingly lets go of your boundary for a bigger reward or desire you are trying to achieve. I still stand by my assertion that a schedule will not work with H, especially now, he will use it against you.

Hopefully that sounds reasonable. Basically ignore his actions and words (goes for more than the car). Maybe, use the car if it is available. However, I would figure out something else for the times you need a car over the next while, pretend you have already given it to him. I think you would like this to be over sooner than later, like months if possible. Greasing his wheels may make that happen.

I know this is horrible. The financial part of MLC is real and kind of icky. H is going to do what he wants. Keep your focus on what is truly important (kids, house, your previously mentioned priorities - car was not among them) and let go and don’t sweat the small stuff.

I am going to city now with D16 for music lesson. I will check in on you a little later.

DnJ

That really made me laugh. Also I am terrified of being that cold. You are some strong stock.

Then in between laughing I had to role play with two nine year olds who are apparently saving the world. I told them that if they drank a secret elixir hidden behind the second tree at the far side of the park, they would be able to fly. But it was all a ploy to get them to leave me alone with my screen. So far it is not working as they keep peeking around the corner and laughing hysterically at me.

There is 0% chance that there is anything in your post with which I could disagree. It is so pragmatic and correct that it makes my spine feel straighter. I will do all you say.

OK wait there is one thing I do disagree with. As you know, I have six part-time jobs and no child care at the moment. So I do not have time to exercise. Biking everywhere is how I maintain my girlish figure and get my fresh air. I think the better solution would be to get some awesome bike panniers as I had two bikes ago (had three bikes stolen last year due to the LBS distracted fog -- once they were stolen WITH MY KEYS STILL IN THE LOCK, leading to a $500 car key replacement and a crackhead ringing my bell a week later -- while I was lying on the bathroom floor due to the flu, incidentally, so S13 had to answer the door -- to return the keys in exchange for cash -- don't worry, I didn't pay). But the question with those panniers is how to get them attached to my bike without a man's strength for wrenches and such. (Insert girlish sigh.)

(The girls are still peeking around the corner and trying to get close to me to throw tiny bits of twizzler at me and then when I look up they start shrieking with laughter.)

As you say, perspective, focus and context change everything. Because of your post, I can now ignore the car situation with a feeling of peace and power. This morning I was looking at it as a bad thing and now it is suddenly a good one.

Well done, DnJ!

Hi Gerda

Your girlish figure is now on my mind. All we have up here is thick winter coats. I am pretty sure there are a few girlish figures somewhere under all those downfilled parkas.

Great idea to get some panniers. By the way I had to look that up. Had no idea what you were talking about. I thought at first it was a fancy name for those tight cycling shorts. That girlish figure and all.

I am pretty sure you can install them also. However just sigh if needed and twirl your hair a bit to the young lad who sells them to you. Lol. He’ll trip over himself to attach them.

Wow. Having your bike stolen with key in the lock. Yep, sounds like the LBS fog alright. Glad it all worked out.

I am also glad you feel better - peace and power. Sounds like you are enjoying a pleasant day in the park. Felt like I was there.

Now to find my snow blindness goggles, ski mask, parka, insulated underwear, mitts, maybe sled dog or two or those ones with the small keg on their collars, ah nuts. Took so long getting dressed I have to go to the bathroom. At this rate i’ll never get the garbage out to the bins. Ha ha

Have a great day Gerda.

DnJ

Gerda

I am a big believer in the power of exercise

Especially for those who are stressed out as you are

Good for physical and mental health

Your bicycling definitely counts

I totally get the I have no time excuse

So here is what I do

I literally exercise for only 10-15 minutes

All body weight exercises no equipment

Push ups and squats and lunges

All those sorts of things

Best wishes

Gerda

Responding to your post on my thread

I did read your H’s faux erudite epistle

And agree with the advice you were given

Trying to reason with the unreasonable is what we all try to do to some extent

The issue with your H is he is way off in the deep end

And you are valiantly trying to stand

And in the process nearly drowning yourself

I think you see your H as a lost soul

And you are trying to be a saint to win him back

You are trying to be your own Hosea

I understand that

Issue is your H may be a rebellious Pharisee

Who has no issue screaming to all who will hear

In his blind self righteousness

Crucify her! Crucify her!

Gordie, first of all - your writing. Seriously, Gordie, you need to start writing some fiction. Your style is like Hemingway meets Camus but with Christianity to lift it from darkness.

Secondly -- I really liked what you said, but I think it's because I like that you are standing up for me.

I am wondering if you think my H is different from all the MLCers we all know and love -- or at least know and try not to hate?

I always thought mine was pretty much in the same vein as all of yours and would like some insight as to how he is different.

I think you are talking about my attitude towards my H but in case you are talking about giving up on the M and starting life with another man --

Last night in a moment of darkness, I was speaking to a priest who was talking about how, when I am in the love of God through Christ, I can love the other in a way that I can never do on my own. And I know this to be true even though it pisses me off. It's not like I am trying to do anything (in reference to your line about the saint attempt) except open myself to the will of God. I don't want to wait for my H or love him or any of that. I want to hate him and let bitterness swirl around me like a delicious hot tub of fury.

But I want to want to love and forgive.

So everyday I ask God to help me do that. And most days, I get a superhuman and clearly divine sense of love and forgiveness shooting through my heart. It is always a total surprise to me.

I don't want to be a saint and I don't want to be a martyr. I want to be wild, smoke cigarettes, get a little drunk, have affairs, run away. The only difference between me and any other sinner around here or anywhere else is that I ask God to help me love like He does even with the noise of my desires droning in my ears. And most days, He does it.

If I have the love of God and if I can love God absolutely, it really doesn't matter who is screaming at me. Almost every apostle got crucified. That's a given on the path to the cross.

I loved what you said. It made me feel so protected and understood.

But I can't deny that the path of a Christian may lead to exactly the kind of unfair crucifixion you describe so well.

My H needs to move out for the sake of my children. And I am really looking forward to the peace it will bring. REALY looking forward to it. And wishing I could invite all my DB friends to a big dinner at my house just after that to celebrate my new life of peace. But I hope God will enable me to keep living in Him and to keep forgiving and loving my H from a far, and that he would give me the strength and courage to say yes if my H comes back.

DnJ, I wrote you a nice long reply and then this thing happens that happens sometimes where the screen suddenly disappears to the right and I can't make it come back. And I have to go to work now so I can't recreate it. But I will try to do so later. I was so extremely appreciative of both the content of your words and how you kept checking on me during a couple of very dark days.

Also I just went to put something in the washer and my H had put in his laundry. Now that I have stopped doing his laundry for him, he always has this massive pile of laundry sitting around. And I don't know what he did, but there was soap and water gushing out of the washer and all over the floor like an episode of "I Love Lucy." I texted him a photo to ask if something had happened and all he wrote back was, "No." All a very good metaphor for his MLC. Me encountering the mess he left behind and him leaving me to clean it all up and try to make whatever repair I can figure out to make and in the meantime struggling with all my might to keep life going -- in this case, until it's fixed I will have to lug all the laundry for our rentals to a laundromat and spend piles of cash.

(On a practical note, I have a feeling it's the seal on the washer. Do you think there is any way in h*ll that Brave Little Gerda could replace that thing herself?)

((((DnJ))))))

Gerda,

I don't think you can replace the seal yourself. How old is the washer? Depending upon the age, it might be wise to just purchase a new one. They are on sale at the moment. Seals and labor are quite costly these days. My sister just went through this and opted to get rid of it because the repair guy told her it's not worth fixing. Her washer was 8 years old. They don't make them the way that they use to.

Presuming that the other person doing laundry has no consideration for others or clue what they are doing it could be something as simple as a clogged drain. Or maybe a sock stuck in the pump or outflow.

That is presuming that it is a standard upright washing machine. I've never been a fan of the front-loading sort myself. Mine has no seal of the sort you may be referring to.

If you are feeling ambitious, first bail out as much water from the washer as you can then remove all the drain hoses from the back and see if they are clogged. There often is a wire mesh filter in there somewhere too that could be the culprit.

Getting beyond that requires removing the metal outside of the washer and that is always tricky to find the right screws to undo.

BTW - even though I'm rather handy I do have a very reliable appliance repair-man that I rely on. One of those people that it is always handy to have available and generally reasonably priced.

Youtube/google can be your friend here. If you plug in your make, model and problem and see what the interwebs suggest keeping in mind that the results can lead you down a wrong path.

I know money is tight but around here at any rate you can sometimes get reasonably priced used machines from the Habitat for Humanity Re-Store.