Hi Pam - Thanks for stopping by. You have an amazing way of cutting to the heart of the matter, I guess many of us are sad and scared, hence the dysfunctional reactions Hope you are glowing bright today, sunshine. Slowly
Hi Betsey - Thank you, I needed the reminder - I was definitely getting carried away there And I know I will make it because I have you in my corner
Quote: You say he's not good at initiating but good at responding. This guy is really fearing rejection, Slowly! This takes all the pressure off him.Do you feel that maintainting intimacy is keeping him connected to you? If so, are you willing to continue to initiate until this works itself out?
Betsey, it just never occurd to me that he may be fearing rejection, but this makes a lot of sense now. Absolutely I am willing to continue to initiate till it works itself out Yes, ML is a big thing with H; for both of us. I know it strengthens our ties to each other.
Quote: Just continue being the classy lady that you are.
I shall be walking on air for the rest of this day, if not the week - thank you
Hi Maya - It is always good to get additional perspectives from fellow travellers.
Quote: What plans do you have to db while you are away? The time separated will be a great time to practice putting up the stop sign...release yourself from the crazymaker monster!
The good thing is that both the upcoming trips are just one night away each, unlike some of my trips last year which were week long ones. For both trips, I have plans to meet friends for dinner. But you are absolutely right, I do know that it will be tough, and I need to be prepared to counter the crazymaking
Quote: As far as H not initiating, become curious. Maybe think back to the times in your life when he had been initiating. How did he initate? Where and under what circumstances? What were the signals? Could you be missing some of these now?
I'v been racking my brains, and cannot think of a thing that is different now versus a year ago. And H too has repeatedly said (even to OW, in front of me) that apart from the A, there is nothing wrong with us, that we now have a deeper relationship. This man is still in denial, but I have to just keep doing what works, i.e. initiate, and leave him to his demons. I'm learning, slowly
Hi Karen - Long overdue response to your excellent questions
Quote: You are going to be very busy with these goals. how will you obtain them? What will you be doing to live your life to the fullest? How will you be acting/feeling?
These rather ambitious goals are to ensure I have as little time as possible to 'crazymake' with H and R I will achieve progress on them by breaking these milestones into inches and feet distances. It will take a lot of focus and effort, but I need to keep at them so they become the foundation of my new, changed life habits. I will shed my less desirable tendencies, and it will take time for this to happen. My motivation will come from PMA boosts that I will get from my baby steps.
I guess my definition of a full life has been changing since I was diagnosed with diabetes 18 months ago. Before, financial security, professional respect and a peaceful personal life, with minimum disruption, was my idea of living. My priorities had been changing, and H's A injected a greater sense of urgency and importance to these changes.
Looking at my big picture now, I know I will feel happier, more centred, and satisfied with my life. My actions will project to those around me a more graceful human being, whose behaviour conveys her appreciation for the blessings in her life. I'd like to be someone you'd want to spend time with.
Does this jive, Karen? I appreciate your feedback and questions, they make me dig deeper into me. Thank you. Slowly
Slowly, Just catching up on you. WOW you have had some awesome things happen to you over the last several days. Congrats!! You have given me a ton of great advise so its my turn to share. I too am a control freak, It is a hard habit to break but we must remember it is only a habit. We control it, it does not control us!!! As for the ML, I think its great you initiate it, many women do not. I was once one of those women but not anymore. I realized what I was missing.LOL IMO H will come around to initiating ML, we just have to stroke their little egos for a while thats all. BTW- I really like what you wrote here.
Quote: Looking at my big picture now, I know I will feel happier, more centred, and satisfied with my life. My actions will project to those around me a more graceful human being, whose behaviour conveys her appreciation for the blessings in her life. I'd like to be someone you'd want to spend time with.
You are a very strong woman. Blessing to you.
Halo
Being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect.
It means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections.
Wow, you did a better job than D10 when I make her do an assignment like that!!! I won't be telling her that, though.
I have to say that I saw your comment about missing an opportunity to show him your changes.
Woman, this is an AWESOME revelation!!! This means that you recognize a behavior as it's happening... ergo, you're consciously incompetent. This means that next time you're going to be thinking about what you say before you say it--making you consciously competent. After a little while, it becomes a new habit and you become unconsciously competent.
Can I just say this is groundbreaking stuff?
Now, you know what you need to do the next time this opportunity arises. Right?
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Positives +Met an old friend for lunch – it was nice. Got my emotional tank filled + Worked from home after lunch, H came home early for tea – I like this extra togetherness + H suggested we visit family this weekend – and catch up with a couple of friends – yes, a weekend away. I can see that he is trying to keep really busy so there isn't much time to dwell on things. A couple of months ago in the throes of 'one of the breakups' I recall him saying that he will need help to get over OW and that I need to be available for us to keep busy + We had dinner with a friend from out of town who is here for work. Relaxing, good company. She works for the same company as H, so he got lots of good interaction and validation
Negatives - Our colds are lingering, we are feeling a little lousy. Though both got good medication aided sleep last night - I'm behind with work, been distracted with life drama this week. Sigh. But I know I can get away with another week of procrastination, sooo, I shall
Plan to do some more reflecting today. Am in the mood for it.
Got me a nice day ahead. Home maintenance guys are coming round to fix some plumbing. Going out with a friend this afternoon, maybe do some clothes shopping. Got a prospective buyer viewing the flat tonight – our first viewing
I've been trying to figure out why I get so unglued with the continued contact with OW thing. It has a lot to do with not understanding why. H insists the A is over, so why the contact?
I'm also identifying with something Sage said earlier on this thread.
Quote: I still get so darned stuck in feeling as though I need h to tell me WHY and WHAT and HOW it all happened. And I think I'm keeping myself from viewing my m. as "a success" because I just haven't heard the words of what was missing...what led him to where he was...
I KNOW that for now I need to leave this alone, but it is at the back of my mind and I just need to manage myself better.
Having completed Betsey's assignment, I'll just have to schedule to review this in a month's time, and take stock then. Not spending another minute on this
Hi Halo - Thanks for your observations. Yes, a lot has happened, hasn't it? I guess I'm so much in the thick of things here, progress feels like treacle flowing on a freezing day
Quote: You are a very strong woman.
This is both an asset as well as a problem. I'm speculating that part of OW's attraction was that she was not 'strong'. H repeatedly tells me he always thought we would be ok, because I'm a strong woman I need to find a way to make him see that being strong does not mean not wanting tenderness. Ideas welcome Slowly
I'm also identifying with something Sage said earlier on this thread.
Quote: I still get so darned stuck in feeling as though I need h to tell me WHY and WHAT and HOW it all happened. And I think I'm keeping myself from viewing my m. as "a success" because I just haven't heard the words of what was missing...what led him to where he was...
I KNOW that for now I need to leave this alone, but it is at the back of my mind and I just need to manage myself better.
Let me ungraciously boot you out of this cheeseless tunnel it's dark and confusing and never gets easier to navigate. it's a big old waste of time! But you know that, right? And if you're taking your own great advice you're currently walking boldly down a tunnel that you KNOW has cheese at the end of it, right???
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Hope you are glowing bright today, sunshine. Slowly 
And I know I will make it because I have you in my corner 
Betsey 
Slowly