Spent LONG time today reading through posts. Quite a journey. You are understandably wanting things to be OVER with the OW. Cannot blame you. But I do want to remind you to view your progress and know that, from what I 've gleaned from all my reading of these fine folks' posts is that, the closer we get to home base...the more impatient we tend to become. (I say "we" cause we are ALL gonna get there. )
Whenever you feel that urge to PUSH, look back over to see how far you've come...do you want to go back? Wanna lose ground? Nah. Didn't think so.
I gotta tell ya, after all your kind encouraging words to me..I gotta confess. I am so JEALOUS of all you wonderful folk who still have your philandering spouses at home with you at night. Yours looks like he is a hare's breath from renewal and full return from wherever the space aliens took him....and well, I am actually happier for you than I am jealous.
Its amazingly similar how our sitches are at similar stages. I also have images of my H telling her that 'I will love you forever but this is reality..'
I have this idea of telling H that from my experience (well, H never expereinced a break up in a R before) he needs to do this short and sweet to allow OW to move on. The quickeer he breaks off he easier it is for OW to move on with her life. And the more he lingers and tells her how much he cares, or whatever, will only make her more confuse and on top of that I will be confuse as well. H told me that he needs OW to accept the break off. Well, my thoughts are as long as our WAS allow them to hang on, they will hang on and never let go.
That is just a thought that I have. Maybe good maybe bad. Have you ever tried something along those lines slowly? just a suggestion to give our WAS something to think about or not?
Betsey, appreciate your feedback on this.
Deb, we found another long lost sister here.
Take care slowly, I will look up to you for more strength..
Sometimes the very thing you're looking for is the one thing you can't see..
Hi Betsey - Thank you so much for your perspective - exactly what I needed to hear help be calm down
Quote: The fact is, I was getting something from OM that had been missing in my M for a really long time. I was loathe to put myself in a position of not getting what I needed.
My H continues to hold the line that there was nothing missing from our R - this is what is freaking me out. If he could at least be honest with me, it will give me and us something to work on. Just wondering, Betsey, have you ever discussed with Mr.W what it was that was missing? Or, from your perspective, what would motivate you to have such a discussion? I'm at my wits end about how to get to the bottom of this
I expect time may make it easier. But, the sense I'm getting from H is that now it's over, he would like to NEVER talk about it. I just don't want to find myself in a similar sitch again because of this missing X factor
I continue to give thanks for the access to experienced voices on this board. Hugs, Slowly, still smiling
Journaling Wednesday. Quite a washout as I spent much of the day travelling. I'm in a small resort town, with only dial-up access from the rooms, life is SLOW here
Spoke to H last night and he updated me that OW's H called him to confirm that A was over. It was quite depressing as H was chatting about how OW's H was amazed that in such a short time my H was able to gain so much trust from OW, how OW continues to maintain that my H will be the love of her life forever etc. The fact that H found it necessary to tell me about this is curious. I almost get the sense that he is trying to justify why it is taking so long to wrap up?
I also think that part of my problem is how H and OW's H have been having discussions about OW and her needs, her amazing strength in holding on, her priorities etc . I guess the child in me is feeling left out. Bruised pride may have a lot to do with the current angst
I sometimes feel that with dbing, much of my underlying hurt and anger has been put on the shelf away from daily life. It may be that now some of the 'risk' to R is abating, emotions that have been left aside are demanding attention.
Time to tackle these uncomfortable feelings. Sounds like a bit more hard work ahead. Just need to keep on swimming... Slowly
Slowly, Hang in there. you are doing great. If OW is out of the way you chances will improve. He will get lonely and need some one soon. Youve done great so far. Your Advice to me has been a godsend. No matter what happens with H know that you have helped many people here. Your a great person.
You said your OM gave you something you needed. Can you tell me what that was. Im trying to figure out what my W has received from OM that i didnt give her.
I guess I'm ready to jump into this pool. I've touched on this a little here on the BB, but most of my issues surrounding this near PA have been very private. At least up until now.
Let's start with the background. OM is someone who was one of my best friends in elementary and JHS. We fought like brother and sister but the reality is that we loved each other deeply. He is 1 of 6 kids and I was really good friends with his older sister. People used to tease us about getting married. We went our separate ways when I went to public high school and he continued in Catholic school. I distinctly remember our parting as awful. He was really angry and I personalized it. I found out much later that he was despondent over the thought of not seeing me again.
We had a brief meeting in college--he was attending a military academy and showed up at my predominantly all female college for a party. Needless to say, he expressed a real interest in me. I was still hurt by his actions 4 years earlier and told him to F*** Off. My mother and best friend were aghast.
Flash forward to 2 years ago. I registered for an online alumni registry, which includes primary education. I saw his name on the list and paid the extra money to send him an e-mail. I apologized for being a B!tch and he wrote back.
We reconnected again, to my happiness. I live in Colorado, far from my childhood home (DC) and it was nice to be friends again with someone who had known me forever.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch... I had a sullen and withdrawn husband. A man who was actively seeking solitude, away from me and the girls. A man who was miserable in his job, but spent a lot of time there. I couldn't remember the last time he had told me I looked nice or was a nice friend. The words between us were filled with resentment and anger. As my friendship with OM was blossoming, my R with Mr. W. was deteriorating.
I knew we were headed for big trouble on our trip to SF for my 40th birthday. We headed back to the place where we met and married, and I was hoping to have some positive images conjure themselves to help him want to bring back some magic. His friends all asked me if he was okay...
By then, OM was coming out here for visits. Actually, he and Mr. W. have far more in common than they do differences. They hit it off... Mr. W. later told me, "He can tell you the things you want to hear, because I don't want to. I'm numb."
Let me tell you that OM, while not completely innocent, was not looking for me to break my vows or to end my M. But he was a friend, Slowly. He valued my friendship, he acted as if I was important, he told me I was beautiful, he told me that I was a great mother to my girls (he wished he had a mother like me--his mom and Joan Crawford have much in common) and he thought I was funny.
He was everything to me that Mr. Wonderful used to be. And I was getting more depressed by the day. Not only because it had been a void in my life for some time, but because no matter what I seemed to do, Mr. W. acted like he really didn't give a damn.
When our EA nearly turned PA, I broke down. I told Mr. W. who comforted me and told me he didn't blame me for seeking out someone else. Yet he continued to act indifferent. When I took my trip to Seattle the following month, intent on justifying leaving him, I figured out that I needed to fix myself rather than run away. I had been in IC for 2 months, but was withholding some really important information from my C. I decided to come clean, which is when the real healing began.
This also coincides with Mr. Wonderful's DUI and his coming clean. He couldn't tell the difference between numbness and indifference, so he chose to label how he felt (or didn't feel in this case) as indifference and stated that he no longer loved me.
Looking back, I can visualize a very numb and hurt man. I caused some of those injuries, Slowly. However, I didn't break him. He let himself break. And he chose not to fix the things that needed attention.
I can tell you that OM was horrified to watch how things fell apart. He was supportive and a friend. And he felt guilty as sin. On our last convo, I told him that he was not the guilty party: I was. I had allowed myself to feel for someone else--someone who was not my H and therefore the feelings very inappropriate. I apologized for hurting him so badly, for having to end our friendship, but I told him that there was no way I could figure this stuff out with him still in the picture.
He understood and has kept his promise to not contact me. My friends still see him out and about (he lives less than a mile from my parents) and report that he feels something missing by not being friends with me. I DO feel the same way. However, it's not in the capacity of a lover but a really good friend. AND I value my integrity and faithfulness enough to know that this is a deal breaker for Mr. Wonderful. I'm not resentful at all.
But it HAD to be on my terms--not Mr. W's, not my C, not my parents or friends. Mine alone.
Randy, I was getting appreciation, validation and kindness. I was receiving lots of words of affirmation and expressions of caring. All things that we all need from our spouses. I know it was wrong, but I'm only human--with needs, wants and faults. I accept them, but I will not allow myself to wallow in guilt or remorse.
I'm sorry for having taken that path, but I am not sorry for standing up for myself and sharing that I want these things from a man. Preferably from my H, but if he doesn't want the job, someone else will. Eventually.
Does this help? I was motivated to have the discussion with him when I was ready to confront my own demons and how I got where I did. Not a minute before then.
My suggestion for those of you who are on the other end of this coin is to show love for yourselves and empathy toward the straying spouse. What were you withholding that made them feel a void? Maybe nothing. Maybe your spouses are defective people who love the thrill of the chase? Or who were depressed and not likely to get sympathy at home? We're all different, so there isn't a cookie cutter approach to this problem.
But I believe that the majority of people really don't want to be unfaithful. They want their spouses to give them what they want and need. If this were easy enough, the spouses would realize that and avoid this trap. But it looks like many of us have fallen into it. I'm no different than anyone else.
UGH.
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Quote: Does this help? I was motivated to have the discussion with him when I was ready to confront my own demons and how I got where I did. Not a minute before then.
This is what I most need to remember, I think.
I still get so darned stuck in feeling as though I need h to tell me WHY and WHAT and HOW it all happened. And I think I'm keeping myself from viewing my m. as "a success" because I just haven't heard the words of what was missing...what led him to where he was...
anyway, I do truly appreciate your candor and the reminder that these things will happen when the time is right...and not a minute before
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
I'm fairly certain (okay, how about positive) that I would not have been able to conjure reasons why it happened if I wasn't ready to think about it. In fact, I chose to avoid thinking about it.
I actually resisted bringing it up here, only for the pain quotient that surfaces with acknowledging this. But I'm choosing to thank you instead, because it forces me to make that one last wound scab over. It serves a purpose, and I appreciate that.
In fact, my mother confronted me in a really terrific manner. She was very concerned (actually, she still is--because she worries about her little chicks) and said,
"Betsey, your dad and I are very worried about you. We know that you and OM have been friends for practically a lifetime. I can remember the days when you'd lie on the kitchen floor and talk to him for hours... The fact is, he's in love with you, and your dad and I both think your feelings for him are fairly close. This is not appropriate, and we are concerned."
I DO appreciate her candor and concern. However, I was not prepared to start identifying why my R with OM had taken that turn because it opened up a can of worms I was really unprepared to handle all alone. It had to happen when I was in a position to process these things.
It wasn't that I didn't want to do the work, I was just scared to death of what was going to surface. I'm pretty sure that your spouses felt something similar. At that point, I realized that my feelings for OM were no longer about Mr. Wonderful. They were about me.
Peace to all today. Thanks for the gifts you bring!
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Wow! Slowly - I came to visit you and received a great lesson from Betsey here! A great thanks to Betsey for opening up her own pain to give the rest of us some insight. It has been so hard for many of us to imagine that their A is NOT about us! It seems like it must be - because there is a void in them that WE are not filling. However, we need to know what that void is in order to fill it - and we need to be willing to try.
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