Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers MLC and WAS Pt 2

My first thoughts reading that was I love it.

I like your style and be the who you want to be.

This morning I went to a garden show event with my dear friend and her 3 year old daughter. We had a great time - I love chasing the 3 year old around and participating in the kids activities with her. She made a glorious hat out of a paper bag and silk flowers with some ribbon and tissue paper. That kind of thing makes me smile.

While there I made a point to say hi to one of the participating vendors that I know and haven't seen since last spring. We had worked on some community projects together in the past and she's a pretty great photographer, so i wanted to see her new work. She of course asked how W is doing. It was the first person that has inquired that doesn't know that we've split. Most people - including my extended family - doesn't know. I'm telling only as it becomes relevant. I'm not hiding anything but I'm not broadcasting anything either.

She was shocked when I told her we had separated. Her jaw hit the ground, and she is not a dramatic woman. I smiled sadly and just let her know that I was figuring my life out and that we will see what my future holds. No details were given or asked.

It just still baffles me sometimes how quickly this all turned around. I truly thought we were a happy couple. Or, if not happy at all times - at least I thought we were a strong couple that would weather any storm. Others thought so too.

I don't think anyone truly knows outside of the couple as to the why our R's failed. I was one of those people who would be just as shocked and surprised when I found out a couple who I thought were great all of a sudden were separating or divorcing.

It makes much more sense when we are affected directly by the events leading to the split ourselves.

And like you, I was also one of those people who felt that our love would withstand anything and that something like this would never happen.

We were wrong, weren't we?

I would even argue that sometimes WE don't even know why they failed. Yeah we know things that weren't going well, maybe we can see what led to someone being unhappy, etc. But sometimes those are actually things we couldn't control or didn't get full insight into.

Regardless, it does make all of us who thought we could get through anything wrong. We were very wrong, and it's very sad, and very scary.

Awesome post! Just be careful because you will probably cycle through highs and lows for a while, enjoy the highs and when you hit the lows just accept them and wait for the highs to cycle back. Over time the lows are less frequent and the highs increase. You are doing great

Thanks AS.

I do miss my W so very, very much. I'm mourning the future I thought we had together. I remind myself that I am the keeper of the happy memories and I will protect them in my heart as I move forward.

Discovering my grit has been helpful though. I'm reminding myself that I am actually quite the bad@$$, and I need to move unapologetically into my future. My outward aesthetic is one part of this. The other part is doing things that scare me.

I'm determined to face my fears head-on. This is my 180. I had complete fear at the thought of change when W & I were together. I was paralyzed by fear. Well, now my greatest fear has come true - I've lost my W. So there is no more fear to be had. If I've lost what's most precious and dear to me in the world and I'm still standing I guess fear doesn't have any real power over me anymore, does it?

I was looking to say something along the lines of what TJT said.

Last week, W and I were at a parent / teacher conference (regular, end-of-trimester academic conference) for OS, and she said to us, about us, “you guys are so cute.” Oh man if she only knew.

I know in my thread it has come up that with time I can look at why things went the way the did and how I truly contributed.

But, sometimes, there really may NOT be a reason we can fully understand—that involves getting into the mind / heart of another, which, try as we might, we cannot truly do. Sometimes we could have changed our actions, but at other points, we have no control over the reactions of the other person.

Sounds awesome, Yail! Keep it up!

I’m at a similar point, myself. I do miss W very much—but I have to be careful with that, to not overly romanticize (literally or figuratively) the past, and miss W and our MR as it was, but to embrace what IS. I do miss our conversations, like we were really close friends earlier in our MR.

Like you, remembering who I am is really helpful through all this. Trying to reclaim some measure of dignity, respect and self-worth has been a struggle at times, but it’s been moving in a more positive direction for me recently. I’m trying to remember who I can be—the confident, personable, charming, good-looking, young-ish adult who is a great parent and a very good teacher. I’ve said this before, but when I’ve been my most attractive is when I’ve been confident. Newer, better-fitting clothes (dress shirts for work, blue jeans for casual wear), help in that regard. Whether or not W notices is a different story.

I have been moving more ‘unapologetically into my future,’ as well. I’m not sure if I should take this as a sign of progress, but I’m visioning more and more a life without W—where I would go / travel, what I would do, what I would want my own place to look like (even visioning out how I would furnish my own place), who I would want to date or what I want to look for in a romantic partner or for a 2nd MR (if it gets to that point, even though I am NOWHERE NEAR CLOSE for that), etc.

Facing fears is a huge challenge for me, too—and this is my time to tackle them head-on. Like you, I was paralyzed by fear this time a year ago—but since October, I’ve had to realize that this is my new reality, and could very well be my new future, so I might as well adjust accordingly.

True. I think we can only move forward when we can truly accept the solitary nature of being human. That we are each a world into ourselves, and no one else will ever truly be able to access our complete innermost thoughts and emotions. We try to share ourselves, but it's not possible to share perfectly. This holds true for our S as well. We have to accept that they are full beings into themselves with the right to act with their own free will - just as we are.

That being said, I do think it takes some time and distance for us to be able to accurately reflect on our own actions and how we could have been better. I find the more space I have from the situation the more accurate my reflections are. Some days I feel like none of this is my fault, some days I feel like it is all my fault. With each passing week I'm starting to see what was my fault and what wasn't. I'm working to change the behaviors I had that were negative, and take that responsiblity seriously.

Hi Yail - it's been a while since I checked in with you but wanted to let you know have been quietly lurking in the background. I haven't posted as don't think I could add anything other than what the others have said. You're doing so well. Your posts come from a rational yet compassionate place.

It is inspiring to read.