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So H came home from trip after stabbing and was pretty happy and warm towards me,just seemed glad to be home which was not a surprise after being stuck overseas and not being able to travel for 2 weeks. Still no sex but snuggling, kiss hello goodbye etc. he ended up coming home a day early and texted me to let me know and asked if I wanted to grab a bite to eat, I told him I had plans but was welcome to join me. My friend and I stopped by the house after we saw a movie and had a glass of wine before going to dinner and H comes home. She was also overseas for same work function and was first person to visit him in the hospital. We all had a nice night,talked about the whole dramatic event,and he gave me a gift while we were out and I went to kiss him and I felt like he purposely turned his head so I kissed him on the cheek. I didn’t say anything at the time but it bothered me. That night I kept my distance from him in bed.

I know I should’ve said something and I’m learning to speak up now instead of holding it in. But the funny thing is when we went to marriage counseling he told the therapist that I did not greet him when he came home from Europe I’m assuming he meant that I did not get up and give him a kiss or a hug which I did not at the time I can’t say why maybe because I feel protective of myself. He also told the therapist I am on the other side of the bed and I said if that’s how you felt why don’t you say something and he just shook his head he also said that things really haven’t changed between us which I replied that I thought he had been acting more warmly towards me since he got home and he didn’t think he had and that he’s been acting the same as he has always been AnyWho he also talked about how I have been unhappy and that he can’t do that for me make me happy.

Which I agreed that I had been unhappy after our last year and all of the challenges with our son and just in general raising a kid on the autism spectrum can be pretty stressful and anxiety provoking. We also brought up stupid things about leaving the lights on and the electricity bill and also how my love language is words and he keeps buying me gifts thinking it will make me happy but what I really want is for him to open up and talk to me which of course is probably the thing he is worse at. So the thing that has been most empowering for me is that he keeps saying how unhappy I am but I’m realizing that he is unbelievably moody and has been for sometime and there are days where we get up and I try to talk to him and he is quiet or he wants to talk politics which I hate that I do it anyway. I think this is partly maybe a small part of why I feel anxious/ depressed... because his moodiness or his tone of voice , stern face, is kind of a trigger for me in a sense and I take it personally or think I did something wrong. It affects me simply put.

Got up early Sunday and walked our dogs and I was in a good mood and tried making small talk and he was quiet,I felt ignored and bummed, I think he finally realized that he was being Debbie downer and he tried to open up a little bit with me and just talk to me more. When he dropped the DB on me back in July, he said I was depressed, wouldn’t have sex with him, we r two different people, and I felt so badly about myself, since then I’ve regained some clarity,I noticed that he is an intense guy I know he’s under unbelievable stress with work and has a lot of responsibility I think the Hard thing for me is to not let his demeanor affect me but it does and it is really hard to change my mindset but I am trying. I guess what I am trying to say is that I was traumatized by the DB and now that three months have gone by and the dust is settling I am remembering oh yeah my husband is moody and he is intense and he can be short with me and sarcastic with me and all of these things he does not see about himself but yet I’m the one who is depressed .

My husband has been traveling a lot more for work than he usually does but I’ve noticed that he’s quit working out months ago and every time there is some work function he never wants to go he seems depressed to me. I know he has reason to pay for things such as his father is ill and this will probably be our last Christmas with him and my husband hates his job and our son is no longer living in our house. But even before these things came into our lives he has been this way with me for years and I guess I just got used to it or I excepted it.

I am looking into getting a very part-time job in the evenings just to keep busy meet new people and give us some more space and not be so available all the time. I am also praying a lot for him and for me but also that I will be OK if things don’t work out.

So the day of my husband‘s Christmas party at our house I spent a lot of time cleaning the house, buying all the alcohol getting all the plates and napkins and glasses out plus I decorated the entire house for Christmas so the house looks very festive .

My H came home later in the day and seemed really stressed out and hustling trying to get things done,he gave me a few things to do and I did them and then asked him what else I can help with and he said with an attitude that he was trying to figure it out as he went along but just seem like I was annoying him by asking him what I could help with. The caterer came and I was asking where I should put the food and my husband yelled at me to put it in the refrigerator. I told him to relax and then I said the hell with this and left to my Spanish class. I was pretty pissed off and I felt like I can’t win even if I try to be positive and supportive he is going to turn it into a negative. So after my class I came home and there were a bunch of people in the house and I saw my husband walk up to me and he said he was sorry and he appreciated everything I did and he gave me a kiss and told me he loved me.

I was really happy to see he thought about things and made an effort to make them right. But the next day we had marriage counseling He brought up how even though he did tell me that he would handle things earlier in the day when I offered to do stuff he kept saying “I’ve got it I’ve got it “, but he said he wished that I would’ve taken the initiative and then he apologized and said that I did a lot and he wanted to thank me for it. So I feel like I’m getting a mixed message I am not a mind reader but I think he just wants me to do things without asking him because he has so much on his plate and needs help.

and he once again talked about how he doesn’t know if we can work things out, and he brought up how I didn’t offer to come over seas to see him after he got stabbed and was in the hospital. And I brought up how he gave me a mixed message and told me that it didn’t make sense to fly over with our son for a few days. I still am very cautious of putting myself out there and getting hurt since he dropped the DB, and I am trying to detach but here is the situation where he sounded disappointed that I didn’t make an effort to show him I cared. So my situation is tricky.

Plus sometimes my husband is very controlling and once things a certain way and that is why I don’t take initiative to do things because he might Poopoo it later on if you know what I mean. I think he is still confused And he said this weekend we would work on the questions in our book that the therapist gave us.

His love language is ask of service and mine are words or feeling heard and seen. He brought up in therapy that he was hurt that I got depressed and didn’t help out with the logistics of getting our son situated in his new school. But I did do some things and then once again he just started doing some things on his own so I just assumed he was OK with that ,not knowing that he was building up resentment against me. My girlfriend who works with him told me that he always takes on too much and I feel like I’m getting blamed because he wants me to take the initiative but yet doesn’t communicate that with me and acts as if he’s OK.

He told me he wants to start working out again, he’s been saying he hasn’t because he’s been traveling a lot that I think he’s depressed because he could work out anytime we Basically have a gym in our garage( his idea) that we bought last year And got rid of one car to fit it in.He does not want to go to any work functions and we are not going to a big Christmas party tomorrow in his defense I think he is tired and jetlagged and just wants to have a relaxed weekend. I am hopeful for a good Christmas when our son comes home. My husband’s birthday is right after Christmas and I want to do something special for him but he’s hard to buy for if anybody has any ideas or any advice about anything I spoke about please let me know thank you!

Just an update. Its been awhile since I posted, mostly because I don’t feel like there have been any major events until recently. The last one was my H getting stabbed back in November, he has recovered and we have been going to MC, up until the holidays. Our son came back for Christmas from boarding school and we went back East to visit our relatives. My FIL fell, broke his femur and had surgery, the entire family visited him a lot and sang carols to him while in his H bed. But he ended up with pneumonia and passed away last Sunday. My H went home and dealt with the morgue, cemetery issues, the will etc. He had a good R with his dad and said everything he wanted to say to him while he was alive. His D had been ill for a long time so this did not come as a surprise.

I do think the silver lining from his dads passing and my H getting stabbed is that his family...siblings, nieces /nephews etc put all theyre pettiness aside (a lot of them were mad at each other for various reasons and not talking) and united and were theyre for each other and supported each other. I know this has been a positive thing for my H, its still not perfect but much better than where they stood before.
I was afraid of how my H was going to be when he got home, i.e. more shut down, more depresssed? Irritable, short with me etc. But so far so good, he actually shared a lot with me about how he was feeling, I have been really focusing on trying to listen and let him vent.
We have missed a month of MC and start back next week,my H reached out to therapist and made appt, which I am aware of but trying not to judge either way.
I have been doing an ok job with GAL. Going to Spanish class and now know my verb conjugations down pat. Getting together with friends, tutoring once a week. I havent been excercising as much. I still am waiting to get my updated cosmetology license so I can get a very part time job in my neighborhood. I have rode the emotional rollercoaster ride like crazy but still have managed to give my H space, i think he is at least still commited to MC for now so that is where we are at. I am feeling good about myself, and like I am slowly getting a new life now that my job as a stay at home mom is over. Baby steps.

Forgot to add that we stil have not had sex since October but we are cuddling in bed. I am trying to roll with it, but it still bums me out.

Ok so my heart is beating a thousand times a minute,,,, I just found out I did some snooping and I found out that my husband is getting an apartment and I feel sick to my stomach and I called him and asked him about it and he said he was coming home to talk to me and that he was going to buy an apartment I am shaking I’m glad I trusted my got I asked him again if he was seeing somebody and he said no he’s on his way home and I’m totally freaking out and I’m heartbroken. Please help me

What should i say when he comes home

He has been lying to my face,,,going to marriage counseling

Sansa,

Tell him you don't appreciate him lying to your face. You can't control him. It [censored] he's been stringing you along, but now it's time to let him go. Tell him, you don't like his decision, but you respect his decision. Let him go, it's time to start working on you for you and not for any other person. You deserve better!

Joe

Oh don't be mean, yelling. Don't tell him what or how he needs to do things. He has made his decision.

Sansa... so sorry to hear this. It is the worst when you find things like this out without your H talking to you first. It is so disrespectful and cowardly. I see that you wrote this two hours ago so I’m probably too late to offer advice. When things like this happen, I think it is important to try to take a step back, breathe and let him do most of the talking. It is not a time to plead your case or lecture him about his poor choices (I, unfortunately did this and it was very unhelpful). You need to accept this is how he feels in the moment and DB your a$$ off... for you. Remember...nothing happens immediately. This takes time and time is your friend. You will not feel this bad two weeks from now. (((HUGS)))