Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers MLC and WAS Pt 2

It's so weird I'm still eating food that W made. She was/is a chef. I'm working through eating the tons of food that exists in the freezer/fridge/cupboards to A) save money and B) so I don't have to waste it when I eventually move.

I was always very bad at checking what we had in the cupboard before buying more. Guess who has 3 bags of cornmeal? Oh, plus one in the freezer. Guess who made both polenta and cornmuffins last week? Only 2.5 bags to go.

I'm making good progress. It feels like cleaning the house but is a delicious activity.

Today's lunch is some meatballs that she had made and frozen. I'm laughing inside, because my first thought was, "eh, not her best". But to be fair her meatballs were always better than mine which was a fake point of contention between us. I'm Italian - she's Irish - but her meatballs were always way better.

I'll add Fight Song by Rachel Platten, From Now On from The Greatest Showman Soundtrack. Scene of the Crime by Ratt. Who Knew by Pink. Try by Pink. Perfect (Clean Radio Version) by Pink.

All great sounding! I do love Pink. I'll even go for the non-clean version

LOL

I am not a fan of the F word. And it adds nothing to the song.

So weird, I heard a Pink song the other day and thought the exact same thing about how her and her H separated for a while. But then I thought, I bet he didn't leave her for a way younger girl and do all these really hurtful things. I mean I don't know, I wasn't there lol, but just saying.

I'm not a super fan of Kelly Clarkson's stuff, just a few songs here and there. With her stuff I always feel like she just ends up screaming most of the way through. Powerful voice much better than mine, just a tone I can't listen to for too long. But her more recent and slightly more soulful songs like "Heat" and "Love So Soft" are good. Not really relevant to this though.

As I mentioned in my sitch, Beyonce's Lemonade album really speaks to me right now. A good blend of love and hate for sure. And do NOT judge me... but Cardi B's "Be Careful" is my sitch in a song wrapped in a bow haha. Yes super profane and she's pretty annoying but that song is my angry song so let me live!!

My crying songs.... Camila Cabello "I Have Questions" and "Consequences" and Maddie & Tae "Die From a Broken Heart" (if you're a country fan); Halsey "Without Me"; Beyonce "Sandcastles".

Good mood songs.. Cher Lloyd "None of My Business" (fun one) and Panic! At the Disco "Hey Look Ma, I Made It" (pretty much has very little to do with love but has an upbeat sound to it that just puts me in a good mood.

As you can tell my taste in music is extremely varied

TJT... I am a country music fan. I will check out Maddie &Tae’s song. I really like them. Maybe when I don’t feel like crying. I don’t know if you have heard it yet but definitelycheck out “Babe” by Sugarland. It is your sitch in a bow too. (((Hugs)))

Things are quiet in my life. Good, but quiet.

I came to realize that I felt very uncomfortable journaling about my W leaving because I was speculating as to what her motivations or emotions might be. I called it MLC, I called it depression. At the end of the day, I'm not sure it matters that I post what she is going through except that I can't control it. And so I shouldn't publicize it or theorize about it. For me, I don't think that's my role. My job is not to analyze what I feel her narrative might be. So I'm putting that aside, and try to stick to the facts when it comes to her life. I've decided it is important for me to protect her privacy. I can be more forthcoming with my own life as I navigate.

W and I are still primarily NC. We met once briefly at the end of January to discuss logistics. I was calm, positive, friendly, and strong. At least - I think I was. I tried. I did have a moment when I saw her as I entered the coffee shop where my heart fell through my chest and I realized that I am still so in love with her. NC helps with day-to-day emotions and keeping an even keel. But when I saw her and spoke with her I just couldn't stop thinking, "I've missed her. She is my person. We fit so easily together even now. I miss that".

And back to NC we went. I anticipate we will see each other at the end of March to continue a logistics conversation. The most I can do is respect the fact that she does not wish to be with me.

Today, I'm standing. I can only make that decision as each day comes and goes. I do feel that what W and I shared was real and authentic, and I wish to honor that by never speaking poorly of her and to see if this situation turns around in the future.

Work has been going really well, and classes started back up. I'm banging my head against a wall with my final JavaScript project due Friday, but I think it's coming along. It's only a 7 week course, so I'm still pretty new. So I'm making an innocent looking form that asks the users to input a smell, an adjective, a number etc. And at the end when they hit "submit" it will present a fun little Wine-themed Mad-Lib that I've created. It's cute.

I'm planning a trip to Italy in June. I think I really am going to go WWOOFing! I still haven't confirmed with a farm, but I'm working on that this week. This idea had started as a "someday: I wish" comment, but then I realized I had no excuses not to go. I'm hoping to work with goats in Umbria

I'm looking for a second job. I have too much time on my hands, and could use the extra funds. I can afford to be picky in this, so I'm considering very carefully what the best options may be. I'm also keeping in mind that summer is the CRAZY time at work, and I may not have the energy for a second job.

I'm exercising...a little. Which is more than I was. I'm trying! If nothing else, at least I have a lot of dance parties in my bathroom mirror for an obscene amount of time. This week's favorite song is "Not Tonight" by Sno Tha Product. I'm a bit obsessed with her right now.

Next up on GAL is to make more friends. I'm being very social at work and it's awesome. But I need to have a few standing events during my week. I have a few ideas...just need to get through my classes which take up a LOT of time. But I love them.

Hey Yail,

Second job sounds like it could be so much fun and put you out there socially. I think something in sales could put you face to face with so many people.

Italy sounds awesome too. The goats... not so much..lol What do you do with the goats? Raise them? Curry?

Yail, when it comes to our spouses and how much we share about them, its hard. Sometimes I want to share my personal feelings about W but it sounds like I am being cruel, it feels so selfish. I teeter between wanting to give her the respect to dancing around my feelings and trying to convey things with not so much focus on her. I think I know where you are coming from. It's personal choice. I've read some posts where people are pretty brutally honest about their spouses and I get a clear message from the get go. I don't think its wrong. I believe there are merits to being able to be that honest. All within reason of course.

Anytime you want to unload though you go ahead and do that. You're entitled to your feelings and expressing them.

I've written my W so many letters here alrdy and I pointed out so many of her faults and yet here I am still wanting to stand for the MR. Then of course I delete the letters.

The javascripting sounds amazing. I guess that means I should throw away my old HTML for dummies book, aye?

(((YAIL))) dance in front of that mirror all you want. psh, its what the pros do.

Hey Adam,

The goats I'm most interested in are dairy goats. I may not get to work with livestock, I may work on another type of farm - it all depends on what farmers I connect with. I just prefer mucking stalls and feeding and milking to working in fields. I have periodically had a daydream that I may acquire goats and/or sheep in my next phase of my life, so working with the animals would be key in identifying if this is a fantasy or something I'd really enjoy. I'll joyfully accept either type of work for a good experience. I'm hopeful to find a good connection

Sales huh? That certainly would be social, and a stretch for me. I was thinking more along the lines of serving. I love working in restaurants, and it would be great for me to be on my feet again. I love working when there's a mini crisis on your hands. I suppose serving is kind of like sales...but with food and beverage

Only toss the HTML for dummies book if it isn't HTML5

Thanks for popping in Adam. I've been lurking, but it's nice to say hi.

I'm reexamining who I am, and it's an enjoyable process overall.

The funny thing about being S from your spouse is I think a lot of people go through the mental sexual withdrawl. Once love and affection and outright sex is off the table in your life it temporarily becomes all you can think about.

For me this resulted in a serious examination and reflection on to my sex life throughout my life. And this morphed from thinking about sex to thinking about sexuality and how I reflect that into the world on a daily basis. One of the things I really want in my life is to feel fully confident in my own sexuality. I get to design it, own it, and live it.

I've identified as a lesbian for quite a while now - somewhere in the 15 year range. For clarity I'd sometimes say "lesbian-identified bi-sexual" which was more accurate. I've dated men, I hypothetically could date a man again (but honestly I really don't see that happening) and I don't wish to erase that side of me. However, I can confidently say that I strongly prefer women. Adding in the fight I've had to go through in my life to have my lesbianism accepted it would be especially difficult socially to date a cis-man again. Not out of the question, just less likely.

So lately I've really been ruminating on the term "queer" and what that means in the community. Many of the younger LGBTQA folks are passing on the time-honored and respected terms such as "butch", "stud", "femme" or even "boi" (that one seemed short-lived...). Queer is all encompassing, reflects both our sexual orientation AND gender identities. It is inclusive of our trans brothers and sisters who are often ignored in the "LGBT" title, since the other letters all involve sexual orientation while the "T" is the lone gender identifier.

I realized that for me, "queer" is more accurate. It is inclusive of all of my potential loves: it includes the non-binary cuties, and the trans individuals I've been attracted to. It is inclusive of cis-men or cis-women. And while for me "queer" speaks mostly to my sexual orientation, it also includes my gender identity as a femme woman. I'm a femme queer woman.

With this contemplation I've started dressing more queer-femme and feeling wonderfully confident in it. I'm down a few sizes from both divorce-diet but also from intentional healthy eating and not drinking. I'm wearing fitted pants with fantastic heels. I run all around campus in my heels - one of very few. I've always been a pretty intense figure 8 curvy, and I show my curves now. I got funky hipster glasses which are honestly adorable, and I wear lipstick most days now. I'm going to have my mom re-shave my undercut to be super short and shaped with a funky "V" at the nape of my neck.

This aesthetic combo just feels like I'm finally settling into who the authentic "me" is. I feel confident as an outwardly queer woman who loves her own look and trusts her own style. I love my new heels and lipstick look.

There are awesome people out there in the world, and as I settle into myself I find I'm having more and more authentic conversations with them. I'm no longer painfully shy as I was growing up, and part of this is due to my newfound confidence in who I am as a person.

This is one positive I will wholeheartedly accept.