Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Keeping the faith ... finding me (Part III)

Journalling ..

I have had the kids since Thursday when H and I met for lunch and did handover. He has been away with work since (I assume). He is supposed to pick them up from school tomorrow but there was some confusion about the children start dates and D9 doesn't actually start until Tuesday so my H has agreed to have her all day. I offered to let him stay here tonight (as he lands late) and that way both he and D9 can stay in bed a little longer. No pressure. No expectations. When I asked him on Thurs he didn't commit but called earlier today say if it was still OK he would like to stay here tonight.

Here is a lesson in not making assumptions because assumptions lead to cheeseless. Because my H did not say yes or no straight away I assumed he had 'unconfirmed' plans or he had plans and didn't want to say so. Turns out neither was correct. TBH the tunnels for me aren't that bad. Putting the pieces of the puzzle together (and getting it wrong), getting heated up for a minute, then shelving it and getting on with my day. But, back when I was spinning this is the kind of thing that would have kept me up all night. My mind would have been racing with all sorts of scenarios - all of them ending with me crying into my pillow - hating him and wanting him back in equal measure.

Assumptions do not help any of us to heal.

Anyway, we seem to be slowly moving into a kind of friendly co-parent dynamic. We don't actively try and upset one another and we try and be thoughtful of the other one's feelings. The last two days and today he has called the children at night (as normal) and asked to speak to me (not so normal). He has been arranging a play date for D9 and he wanted (each time he called) to confirm some detail of it. Nothing major. Logistics. But it could have been done on text (our normal means of communication) and it wasn't. I am not reading too much into this. It does not point to him wanting to come back, but it does suggest a softening of his stance towards me (and mine to him).

D9 had her playdate today and D12 had football. I gave football a miss as had promised the girls I would make a cake for MIL's birthdayand I had bought a new cake mixer yesterday, one of those really expensive, totally unnecessary Magimix things, and I was dying to try it out. So, most of the day on my own playing music very loudly and baking.

My H's dad (his real dad and not step dad) came around to give D9 her christmas gift (the one he originally bought was too big) and had a good chat with him. He does not want to get involved, but he did say that he was sorry it turned out this way. He believes (as does all my H's family) that he is going through a MLC. I said I think that MLC is a necessary transition (like childhood to teenager) and how much damage caused during that transition depends on how happy we are and how sure we are in ourselves. He looked me square in the eyes and said, rather sadly, that he couldn't understand what my H had to be unhappy about. To him I am warm and generous, smart and funny. We had the big house the lovely children and the high status jobs. What on earth could my H be unhappy about. That must have plagues my H as well. That I could be one person to him and someone else completely different to everyone else.

Interestingly, we had commissioned a builder to do some work in the garden for us last year. My H already has the money for it. I gave him my half ages ago. The builder is about half way there but had to stop due to weather etc. I spoke to H about it a few weeks ago and asked him to contact the builder. The builder is a friend of FIL and me FIL told me that H had asked the builder not to do any more work until the spring. I will call the builder tomorrow and find out what the deal is. Either H has spent the money or he is trying to delay completion of the works - I cannot (though an not really considering it) put the house on the market until the work is complete. FIL said he will speak to the builder and ask him to keep quite about restarting. I told him that no - I would not keep secrets and do not expect to put others in that same situation.

Anyway, the cake turned out beautifully, and once the girls were back from their activities, we all went to MIL's house, except H, who is away with work, and had dinner. My SIL was there with her baby daughter and we had a lovely evening (not talking about my H). I hope I can build a bridge with my SIL. I really do miss her.

I am now going to madly clean the house before H turns up this evening. Even though I no longer panic about what unfinished task he finds when he comes over, as a 180, I try and make sure there is as little for him to moan about as possible.Undoubtedly he will find something to be unhappy about, probably the fact that I spent a small fortune on a cake mixer. However, it is my fortune to waste as I so see fit.

Sounds like you had a full day FS. You continue to be my DBing role model although I don’t think my D is going to be busted. But I DO think that YOURS is. I’ll be interested to hear how things went with your H spending the night at your place. I envy you that your H wants to still be around you. Mine only stays longer than 5 minutes if he wants to talk about something - usually something unpleasant. Anyway...hope you had a nice evening. (((HUGS)))

Thanks DV. It is nice having someone who still sees hope in my sitch

Turns out we only saw each other for 5 minutes last night (maybe less). I was already on my way up to bed when he got in. We exchanged some pleasantries, had a bit of a laugh about D9 being excited about being able to choose who's bed she would crawl into in the early hours of the morning and then I said "well goodnight, I'm heading up now" and off I went. He was snuggled up with D9 when D12 and I left this morning. I had left him a christmas present on the bed in the spare room (a replacement for the jumper I got him which was too big). I got a text saying thanks for the present and then just some random stuff about D9 still being in bed and their plans for the day. All unnecessary comms. I replied thanks and enjoy your day together. Later in the day he sent me photos of D9 with her new glasses.

I saw him briefly this evening. He stopped by as the kids are staying with him tonight and he forgot D9's lunchbox. Again, pleasantries and then quick goodbyes. Turns out the replacement jumper is now too small but he didn't moan. Just let me know and then suggested some alternatives.

Whilst I was at work today he took down the christmas tree and lights (i took all the decorations down last night), sorted my recycling and put out the rubbish which is being collected tomorrow. Strangely, if he had done the latter in the past I would be sitting here thinking "he put it out a day early because he thinks I'll forget in the morning" but now I just said thank you. I know the proper DB response would be something like "This is no longer your home, please stop treating it like it is" but that just seems cold hearted.

Like I said to my FIL yesterday, my H and I are the most couply non-couple i've ever seen.

Not sure how this fits in with detaching though ... I am GAL'g and 180'g but we don't seem very detached. In fact, we seem very (unhealthily?) attached to one another for two people who are going through a separation.

I would appreciate any advice as to whether I should carry on like this or whether I should implement consequences (as in "you've left - you don't get to treat this like your house anymore", "you've left - I am not your friend anymore").

That's a tough one. I've made the conscious decision not to text, email, or call my XW unnecessarily. I got off social media. However, I don't avoid physical interaction with her. I've emotionally detached from my XW, but I still find myself trying to make her regret her decision. Probably understandable but not healthy. I'm in good shape, I'm always well-groomed, I always dress nice, I listen, I validate, I try to be attractive. That's a way of trying to make her regret her decision. However, we only see each other 1-2 times/month, so what I'm doing is not giving her what she used to have. My sitch is different than your sitch in that regard. Things will change next summer when we settle in the same town. If you are feeling stuck, you may have to do something drastic. Just don't do it thinking it will change H's mind.

FS, you seem to have a solid understanding of yourself and a keen awareness of what works for you and what doesn't. I wouldn't overthink it. I read occasional comments here that seem almost fundamentalist in their view of DBing; at least for me, they don't resonate. You seem able to discern when to trust your gut and when not to. Just my $0.02.

If you were being torn apart or pushed back and forth emotionally by your Hs actions I'd probably give you different input. But what you are doing seems to be working for the two of you. If you're not hurt, and he's not hurt - why mess with that?

I think detachment is so that you can step back from the emotional slings and arrows. If you aren't being hurt by H then your detachment level seems to be on point IMO.

I would agree with Paco - there are subtleties in how to best DB. Rigidity is necessary for some situations to really allow some space and air to breath. I don't know that your R needs such strict rules.

Hi FlySolo,

Is he seeing anyone else or is he living alone? Just curious. I find his behavior strange. If he wants separation, why isn't he pulling away further?

Is he trying to take advantage of both worlds, his other (single) life and at the same time keeping his family life when he wants? It's selfish. Maybe he needs to understand that this is causing you pain and not working for you.

This could be a long ride. Detaching and setting boundaries is mostly to protect you. The question is how long can you handle this without losing your mind?

Also, if I remember correctly your H likes to control everything (like I used to). If you detach and set some boundaries, he will feel that he doesn't control you anymore. This should make him feel that he is losing you and that he doesn't control the situation anymore.

It has been a while since I posted but I have been quietly lurking in the background.

Thank you all who responded to my last question. I agree with what has been said, I am past the emotional slings and arrows (like the Shakespeare reference Yail), and for the most part, what my H says and does has little influence on how I live my day. I continue to go with my gut and try not to over think things. I know I am past the point where I need to protect myself by being detached. My H, is for the most part, unlike so many of the spouses here, considerate in his interactions with me and, in my eyes, and my children's eyes, still the best father I know.

Kiro - you asked about whether there is someone else. There was not when we split up. I discovered he had started dating in October (I caused a scene - not my finest moment). He was remarkably candid about it - he had seen her 3-4 times, she has more feelings for him then he has for her, he cannot see it going anywhere but we'd been apart for 7 months so "it was time to start seeing other people" etc etc - and again I know others will disagree with me, but I believe him. I do not know if it is still going on or if he has seen others. I do know that given how much time he spends with the children (and by inference me) and how attached he still is, that no woman has a chance of breaking through right now. I do not ask and he does not tell. He does not ask and I do not tell.

I believe now, as I did when I first joined, that my marriage can be saved. Some days I feel this more than others. I see the kindness, the small gestures .... and the little flame of hope shines a little brighter, then he does something that draws me away again. I believe it is the same for him. We draw a little closer, than pull a little apart. Fear of the past. Fears for the future. So we live in our present - we see each other daily, co-parent our children in as positive way as possible and do nice things for one another .. .so, in a word, we are still in limbo.

I have put my rings back on. Quietly, with no fanfare and no expectation that he will do the same. He has not mentioned it and he has not put his back on. I know what some of you reading this might think ... Plan B, right?. I did this after reading a post from Davide about being true to ourselves ... and to be true to myself is not to play games. I still go out with friends, I still go to the gym, I am still painting, I am still going skiing in Feb. I do not ask or require permission from him to do any of these things. But I am commitment to my marriage. If he pushes for a formal separation or a divorce, then I will not stand in his way but I am married and I'll be damned if I will pretend otherwise.

We are both trying to walk our paths but our paths keep converging. Sometimes I wish for the finality of a clean break but know that right now, that is not for us.

D12 has been having more issues - she has had another day off school (that's 4 since the school year started in September), her netball coach has recently had a word with us saying that D12's game is off and her soccer coach has benched her a few times for the same thing. H and I have agreed she needs a counsellor and we took her to the GP today to get a referral. H chose to sit in reception whilst D12 and I went in to see the doctor. I am a little annoyed at this but put it down to not wanting to take responsibility. However, that he recognizes there is a problem is enough for me right now.

D9 is doing brilliantly - she is my rock in all this. She knows just when I need a cuddle. She has her first sleepover tonight and I am staying up waiting for the call in case she panics and wants me to pick her up.

H is out with his idiot friend tonight (the one who even my H says was the catalyst in the BD). I smiled and wished him a nice evening when he left today. I think he recognizes that his friend is a moron but, as he is the only friend that ever calls him (his words not mine) and my H is short on buddies, then I guess, he needs the idiot in his life. I know that whole paragraph sounds bitter but I am genuinely not fussed anymore about who my H spends time with.

I have been going out a fair bit and perhaps drinking too much. I got very drunk the other night and ended up sleeping in a hotel in London (on my own). The boy walked me to the hotel but on the way, I tripped and hit my head on the pavement. I am currently sporting a black eye and a gash on one eyebrow. The gash is covered up with a fringe and the black eye with a ton of makeup (thank god for YouTube). Luckily no-one has noticed at work. I was in the car with my H and the children the day after the incident and I told the children that when mummy and daddy first met that mummy would fall over all the time, and they both laughed and told me that that was what daddy had told them the night before. H and I had a bit of a laugh about all the times I fell over back when we first started dating. it felt like the early days when he found my clumsiness endearing and not a character fault. That was when I decided to put my rings back on.

I do not feel closer to him today than I did when I last posted. I do feel more authentic though. Oh, and I negotiated a 10% pay rise at work ... which I think is worth celebrating (on my own eating ice cream, watching TV, waiting up just in case D9 wants me to come pick her up :))

This is such an eloquent statement of where you feel you are. I applaud you taking the time to honor what feels best to you, and doing so in a way that is not pressure towards your H. You seem perfectly settled in your detachment, though I'm sure it doesn't feel that way. You focus on you, but the door is open. You're not peeking out or causing a fuss.

I know I've said it before, but I think you perfectly understand the nuances of your own situation, and you are acting accordingly. You seem very self-aware.




My only thought on this is that 12 is that age when young girls slowly start to see glimmers of womanhood. Though you're looking for assistance with D12's emotions, I wonder if you H was simply giving space as he sees his little girl become a young woman. I know that's hard on a lot of fathers, and they wish to respect their little girls' privacy. Maybe he thought the GP would be asking questions of a "personal" nature, and he wanted to give D12 some time with her mom so she could be open and honest. You know best, but this could also play a small role.

Hi Yail -

Thanks for the reassurance. It is hard to know the right thing to do. I try not to think about it, but double thinking (after the fact) is a problem for me.

For a long time my H insisted that the reoccurring tummy pains, the tears and the wanting to stay home from school had to do with hormones, starting highschool, and even potentially bullying. I don't think there's any bullying involved, but I do think that the other things are all part of it but it really really use to make me angry that he seemed to ignore the other major change in her life - her dad moving out. D12 is your stereotypical eldest child in that she likes to be in control everything and project a perfect life. This has shaken her foundations and that he refused to acknowledge it, well, I'm getting [censored] at him right now ... urgh ...

I don't know if he would be embarrassed about talking about 'girls' problems. I think he was just plain embarrassed about talking about any problems. Because he too is the eldest child and likes to be in control and project a perfect life.