Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers MLC and WAS Pt 2

That was very nice to read TJT. My W happens to be moving quickly to D, but I forget that it is just as painful to have a slow/back-and-forth S. It's different, but just as painful. I wish you weren't in this with me, but knowing that other people can empathize really makes such a big difference.

The "it's not over until I decide it's over" is an interesting cycle in my head these days. Logistically I will give W the D she requested. She is her own woman who can speak for herself, and she says she wants to go. I don't happen to agree, but that's just my feelings, and that's just right now. I'm curious to know if my emotions change - and how - in the upcoming months. I'll have to wait to see, I can't predict my own reactions.

After I wrote my most recent post I had a few good days. They come and go, right? I'm honestly happy for the cycling, because I feel like I can get my feelings "out" by crying and being sad, and then have a few days of being happy/okay. I don't know if you feel this way, but the cycling is kind of nice in a very weird way. If I have to be here at least I somewhat understand the pattern.

I hear you about not mind-reading. In this instance you're right that I don't "know" what's going to happen. But I do feel better in that I feel prepared for what very well *might* happen. That makes me feel more powerful. We will see what the month brings.

*******

I had lunch with BFF today which is always fun. I shared with her different changes I'm trying to make in myself, ways I'm trying to move forward. She thinks I'm being too hard on myself, but I feel good in that I have a couple plans in how to proceed. My coworker echoed my BFF's assessment, which I feel was weird.

A small example is that for the past two days I've run on the treadmill. Now, I take great pride in the fact that I don't "run". In my mind it's some weird yuppie activity (that was likely offensive - sorry anyone reading this). But I've had a lot of pent-up energy so I've decided exercise is important. My BFF and coworker think I'm doing this for W, but I'm not. I'm doing this because I've never held myself accountable when I say I'm going to do something. So I'm trying to stick with something that is outside of my comfort zone.

I always thought I was going to start exercising. I never did. So I'm really trying now, just to prove to myself I can.

It's true that this was a problem in the M. I never was actively seeking "more" for myself. I always would say I wanted to do something, but never did that thing. But I think I'm doing these things I dislike just to prove to myself I can stay accountable. I mean, W would never know I'm actually running.

I do get what you mean about the cycling and recognizing the pattern. Once you know that it comes and goes, it doesn't freak you out AS much. It's like what I told my IC (and my mom) that part of why I hate this so much is that it's like an injury that you don't know you'll heal from (unlike something like a broken leg or a cold that you know gets better eventually). I guess our cycles are showing us that it does get better, little by little? But just in a weirder way... maybe more like we break our leg or get the cold over and over again, but it's just a little less severe each time (most of the time anyway).

I agree it's also great that you're prepared for what could happen at your meeting. I was almost going to say that in my last response (that you should try to prepare for it) because I didn't want to assume and ultimately I feel like we're all basically preparing for it in one way or another. It just takes a little more intention to stay mindful of our emotions when we know we're going into a specific discussion where that may occur.

I'm not sure I understand where your coworker and BFF are coming from, except that they may just not understand the DB process. I get that a LOT, especially in a sitch where my H has done a lot of terrible, terrible things (there's nothing like the judgment you get from telling people you'd consider working on a relationship with someone who cheated on you in your own bed in your brand new home and then left it all to move in with OW. Basically everyone thinks I'm an idiot).

I would just say as long as you're comfortable and honest about why you're doing it, and it's actually fulfilling you, you're doing the right thing. And you're right, your W doesn't know what you're doing anyway so the logic that you're doing it for her doesn't make sense.

It's a little bit like this I suppose. I think they just don't understand why I'm so focused on "working on myself", because to their perspective (which is limited on information, tbh) they see W as a spouse that left. They don't believe me when I say "well, 50% of the issues in our R were due to me".

And to me it just feels better to work on me. I can see changes and improvements if I work on me. I like the feeling of moving ahead and moving forward. So I think they see my self-improvement goals as me trying to improve for the R, but really it's a distraction and something I want to do for me. I do it because I know W won't see it. It is ALL about me when I do these things.

It's nice to feel wildly selfish in this. Everything I do is for me. My financial planning, my attempt to exercise, my schoolwork and studying for something more in my career, possibly buying a house. Everything is about me right now.

I love this. I had glimpses of this thinking on my vacation, too. It's sort of scary at the same time because I don't want to get into a mindset of like, I'm SO independent that now I'm unable to be in a relationship, lol. But I guess there are worse things? *shrug*

Probably just one of those things we need to be mindful to keep a balance of, but I am so glad you don't feel like those things are something you "have" to do to DB. You genuinely want to do those things and they are giving you purpose. Boom.

I don't think that will happen. Because for you and I, Rs come decently easy, right? Like it just falls into place naturally. But this GAL stuff is what takes conscious effort. Spending our time on that is important. But if a R comes into our lives, I have no doubt we could easily click back into that life-style. Hopefully with improvements.

That's true Yail. Like riding a bike I guess; even if I practice rollerblading for a while and get really good at it, doesn't mean I can't hop back on the bike when I need to! lol

Exactly. And then you can both rollerblade AND bike...and your options for fun have doubled!

Journaling

I'm back to listening to Pink around the house because I really like her Beautiful Trauma album. There are some sad break-up songs on there but they're just so good.

But then I remember that she and her H broke up several times, and apparently were separated in their marriage for 2 years. So her songs seem especially appropriate to those of us going through S or D while still wanting to work on the marriage. She has a nice mix of "I hate you you stupid ****" songs along with songs about the back-and-forth, or the R, or just missing someone.

I guess I've always felt she's a pretty authentic pop singer. Not usually my genre but something always pulls me to her work.

I guess if you're singing about a break-up it's good if you've actually gone through it, not singing as a 16 year old when your high school BF/GF broke up with you.

Yail... you should check out Kelly Clarkson’s album from 2004 - the one with Since U Been Gone and Breakaway. It is a great break-up album. Also... A Little Bit Stronger by Sara Evans and Babe by Sugarland... my newest favourite. Another good one is Space Cowboy by Kacey Musgraves.

Ahhh, the "original" American Idol! I'll have to check out that album. I know a few of the songs, but likely not most. It is fun to have some music to groove to while making dinner or getting ready in the AM. I'm sensing a new playlist will be developed over the next week or so.

It's funny, I used to HATE it when W would play music loud and groove around the house. I love silence. I never ever told her to turn it off though or made any indication that it bugged me - I was very careful in this. I mean, it was her house too and if she occasionally wanted to have a solo dance party that was cool - it made her really happy to groove around. It made her smile, which made me smile. And now we've traded places it seems.

I'm working on my dance moves. They're terrible but oh so fun