Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers MLC and WAS Pt 2

We are MFS! Moving Forward Spouses.

Perfect!

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I've decided this will be the Year of Yes and the Year of Do. My improvements need to be focused around getting things done and not just waiting for happy fortune to fall into my lap. So I will work on saying "yes" and proactively doing things.

This AM I started thinking about how I can maybe start a side business. Some good ideas came to me.

I also woke-up with a proposal of how I might "rent" the house from W for the early summer months. She has let me know she'd like to stop paying after March. I crunched some numbers and I couldn't rent from her for long term, but I could certainly do 3 months, and it's a timeline I'm more comfortable with. I'll be proposing this idea to her likely at the end of the month when we have a face-to-face. I think she would be open to it, but I couldn't say for sure.

I figure if I'm going to pay a lot of money on renting an apartment, I'd rather spend the same amount of money and stay in my own house.

If we do proceed with this I'll be having a L draw up a formal rental agreement. I know W wants this to be "easy", but I want to be sure I'm protected. This is supposing that we are D at the time.

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I had a dream last night that I spoke with one of W's friends that lives near her. I think this friend validated W's leaving when she could have encouraged working on our R. So while she didn't do anything wrong, my feelings are kind of hurt when I think about this friend IRL.

Anyway, in the dream I spoke to this friend. And she told me that W is struggling. That she's considering leaving her new job. And that W has dropped her as a friend.

I don't know how that made me feel. Hopeful? I suppose so, because it showed W's doubt that she made the right choice in leaving without me (that was my dream feeling). But also sad, because in real life I want W to find a great job that is a great fit. I don't know what that is. But I don't know what her headspace is like, and I don't know if she is able to focus on the job. I don't know anything that she's thinking, really.

I think a lot of this was influenced by conversations had on the forum last night. I was thinking about how in the future I do think W and I might R. In my mind I was speeding up that timeline.

The dream was me mentally wondering what's up with W. I try not to do that. I try not to ask myself what she's doing or how she's feeling. But with it being the New Year my brain was focused on wondering what the future will bring. Who knows.

Yail - I always felt LBS had a slight twinge of victim in it and I hope Burns suggestion of MFS gains some traction. I also like the new vibe I'm getting from your posts (I haven't really been on for a while so have just caught up) - you are really looking towards the future and doing so in a way that still shows that you love, and do not regret, the time spent with your W. I wish I had your courage.

I wanted to jump in on the denial vs faith debate - though very much like what others have written. Faith, for me, is believing something to be true in the absence of any objective evidence. Denial is belief in something in the presence of objective evidence which contradicts that belief. But there is no such thing as objective evidence when it comes to love. Even those that profess to love us (providing objective evidence) may be lying. Love always requires a leap of faith. When, therefore, does faith become denial ?!? I don't know. For me, it will be when I realise I am standing out of pride and not out of love.

I like the leasing idea and agree, get it all down on paper. There are good templates online for rental agreements which you can draft and then just get a lawyer to look through.

Do you have any scope for appealing to her 'financial' side? If you do, can you sell to her the house is a good investment and in her interest to keep it longer? Whilst you're 'renting' her half off of her, she will be earning equity in the property. It may be in her interest to keep the property for longer than 3 months, even if she has to take a hit, let you have it for slightly less than the mortgage (i.e. cover some of it herself). Do some research - see how much properties have gone up in your area in the time you've had it. Then crunch numbers - if you stay for 3 months how much will she have 'earned' vs if you stay for 6m vs if you stay for a year. Work on different rental price points.

As much as I hate to say it, it may be worth also appealing to her emotional side ... "I would really like to stay in the house, there has been so much upheaval already, I'd like to stay in the area but can't afford anywhere ... I may have to move to mums ... I can't afford the whole mortgage blah blah blah'. I know, I know, it makes me sound like a cold hearted b***h but if you want to stay where you are, then use everything at your disposal (though send something via email as in person you will sound like a whiny emotional wreck :0).

I just want to say something that's been nagging me about this. It's true that I'm in a good headspace. But my sitch is honestly so much easier (at least right now) than what most people here are dealing with. We don't have children. Our finances are already separate. We don't really see each other, so there isn't that back-and-forth emotional bit. But most of all, I actually have no proof that she has had a PA. The EA is confirmed, but I have no idea if she's dating or single. The OW lives near me, not near her, and she was even lukewarm about wanting a R with that OW. I think it was more of a comfort thing, that she felt listened too and there was some sexual attraction. And me not knowing -that's kind of huge for someone's emotional fortitude. She isn't monstering or being mean or negative. She just kind of ... slowly emotionally distanced herself over 6 months and then left. Our communications are kind, though infrequent.

This could change, and of course it's still incredibly hard to go through a D. But I do think I should acknowledge that by so may barometers my sitch is "easy". This is why it is easy for me to continuously love her while moving forward thinking of only myself.



I think the only reason she'd not be interested is if she wants the cash to buy a house in her new city. I don't get the sense that she wants to do that yet. Last I knew she wanted to still test the waters with her new job before putting down roots.

I'm considering a longer-term request, just not decided yet. Part of me wants to get my own place, which I'm investigating. I should be building my own equity. And I can't afford this place on my own for long-term, and can't buy her out.

In her email she had interesting wording. It was all about how she wanted to stop paying, and that she hoped we could work something out. She didn't mention putting it on the market at all. Which, if she wants to stop paying by end of March this house needs to be on the market SOON. I think she's maybe hoping I'm open to renting. It might be a win-win for us both.

The good news is I have no doubt this house will sell quickly. We're in a great, highly desired neighborhood in a highly desired price range.



I could, but I think my 180 is standing up straighter and just telling her what I want, no emotion. Standing up for myself, and not making her feel guilty.

Here's the other thing I'm considering. Me staying in the house is a connection between us. I don't know if this is good or bad. She will know that I'm right where she left me. On one hand, she may need to feel severed ties to feel the weight of the choice she made. On the other hand, she spent 6-9 months of not knowing what she wanted, and waffled back and forth before finally leaving. I think she can't see herself falling back in love with me, so she believes D is the answer. If we have this connection, and if she for whatever reason stalls on the D I could see us rekindling. And me being in the house might assist with that.

I really don't know what to do about that piece, but I think I need to make my decision based on finances and logistics. It would be best for me to stay here at least 3 additional months - to end of June. So I'll start with that idea, and see where it brings me.

Absolutely... in fact I joined a divorce support group IRL early on in my sitch, and went to only two meetings before I realized it was just making me angry. Everyone there was a little older and all I got was bad advice (it was nothing like these forums where you could talk in detail about your sitch, so they didn't have all the context) - and, yes, the whole, "You're young! You don't have kids! blah blah blah".

Of course people have said that here but they also tend to pair it with acknowledgment of how hard this is. There I felt much more judged for being upset. So, yeah, I appreciate you guys too!!

And no worries, I know I need to be pushed and I will openly discuss if I disagree or feel something was too harsh. So far so good!


LOL. MFS triggered a totally different phrase in my mind at first glance, but now I like it even more for that reason. Good one burned!


I would agree with you here, Yail.


Yep, same things I've been struggling with. It's hard because you don't want to do the "wrong" thing in terms of sabotaging any future opportunities. But I think burned posted some good things on my thread about that, something about the light vs. the land and smashing the light... haha I need to re-read it but it was a good way to look at it. And since you're moving slowly, hopefully you'll get more clarity as you go.

This afternoon I started just feeling sad. The same sadness we all feel when we think about what's going on in our lives. I guess I'm missing my W a bit extra today, just because it's hard some days. A bit of heavy breathing and panic set-in just as I was wrapping up the work day. I made it to my car, allowed myself to release it in a short little cry, then started to feel a bit better. It's just hard.

In part I think the extra emotion was influenced by the fact that I didn't eat today which just made me emotional/hangry/upset. I think I had a granola bar and about 1 cup of rice chex cereal. 4 cups of coffee. I wanted lunch, nothing sounded good, so I skipped it. I do that a lot.

Divorce Diet is real. I've lost 15 lbs unintentionally. I weigh less than my drivers license - what women says that!? I look good, but I've had to buy new pants.

I just took a completely gorgeous homemade mac and cheese out of the oven. I'm really looking forward to curling up with a nice helping and feeling cozy and safe in my house tonight. My emotions need it.

I got home and practiced bassoon while the mac was baking. Only 20 minutes, but long tones and scales were a little helpful. I feel like I "did" something. It was soothing.

I've decided I need to stop drinking most nights. I usually have 1 or 2 a night casually, which relaxes me just enough so I have no ambition. So I watch tv, or play on the computer. So I'll try to stick to only having a glass if it really is a social event and I don't have to "do" things.

I remember the first few years of our R - W and I would have these 3 hour dinners at home and drink 2 bottles of wine a night. We had so much to talk about, so much to share. We'd laugh hysterically. We eventually realized a bottle each was not a good habit to keep up long term, so we cut it back to splitting a bottle, but our dinners were still epic. I miss those. Picking out the wine while W finished dinner was one of my favorite rituals. I'd tell her why I chose the one I did. Why I thought it might go with dinner. Pour her the first taste - she'd try it with spatula in hand. Nod at me. Good choice. It was always a good choice.

Yail,

If you are surprised by the weight loss wait till you cut back on the booze. You will probably disappear!

TF- That's possible! I think I have enough "energy" stored in my hips to last a while though


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Journaling

Now that the holidays have passed and some things have settled a bit more, I'm wondering when/if W will file for D. She had said in the New Year. I still have a little hope that she won't, but who knows.

I think back to our last interactions. Her back-and-forth.

First two weeks of October - "honeymoon" in Italy for our 1 year wedding anniversary. We got along great, but were not acting like a couple. No sex since end of July. Tension at times. I know about her EA, she doesn't know I know.

End of October - W's job in other state starts up more, she's spending more time there. We go to MC twice. She acknowledges EA. We come up with a few ideas around temporary S, or how to work on our communication.

November - W is in other state full time essentially. We try to not talk to give each other space as a temporary S. I break this, saying that we should talk twice a week via phone to stay in touch.

First talk via phone goes fine. We have a nice chat about Ws new job. Second talk about a week later is terrible. W is angry/distant/possibly drunk. Says she will come back and we "will talk". There is nothing that happened between us that warranted this change in demeanor. It's all on her.

W returns to house for Thanksgiving (with her family only) and tells me she'd like a D. I acknowledge her wish.

Since then I haven't really seen her in person, and very little contact via email.


I keep hoping this is a script. That she needs to go through a journey without me. That she'll slowly come back around and acknowledge that she had a 50% part in our R falling apart. I keep hoping she is on the 1.5 year turnaround mark that I have read in so many other people's sitches. In the meantime I am giving her the space for her to truly do whatever she wants - I don't want to be the reason she can't move forward.

I know I can't live as if she's going to turn around. But I can consider what my own timeline might be. In this moment I feel like I need a year before looking to date. A full season of working through this, getting settled in whatever becomes my new normal, healing, moving forward. I just hope that my year and her year line-up, and that we've each made the changes needed.

I started dating W when I was 23 (I think - I'd have to do the math). My frontal cortex was not even fully developed, but I was in this serious very adult relationship. She was upfront and honest with me that she didn't want to have kids, and I needed to know this. So I considered this very seriously for a while. I knew that if I chose to pursue this R that it would mean I wouldn't have kids. Would I be okay with this? And I came to the conclusion that I was okay with that. I don't regret it at all. But I'm still surprised that 24 year old me made that decision so rationally and calmly.

I remember considering our age difference (11+) years very carefully as well. Would I be okay dating a 70 year old when I'm 59? And I came to the conclusion that this line of thinking isn't how it works. If I could wake up happy every day - that's how I'd know I was doing the right thing.

I woke up happy every day.

This S between W and I has caused me to do some serious introspection, and I wonder if I'm learning things about myself that had been put on pause by diving into a serious R. It really is difficult to learn and grow when partnered, I think. It's easiest to push yourself when you're alone to allow true introspection.

W and I have communicated back and forth about me potentially renting the house from her. She is open to that and more. Her email was very accommodating, even offering some things that we had not discussed and that I had not yet asked for.

I was thrown for a loop at her proactively offering ways to make this easier on me. I didn't expect her to fight me, but I didn't expect offers either. We are setting up a time to meet at the end of the month to talk about "some stuff" (living arrangement included).

And then it clicked into place.

We are meeting in person because she'll be serving me D papers. She had said she'd get things rolling in the New Year, and I strongly suspect she is.

While I'm glad we are moving along peacefully, I can't deny that this still hurts.

I know logically that she wasn't going to "come out" of her idea that she wants a D in 2 months. I do understand that. But it takes a bit for emotions to catch up, and the reality that she's proceeding just really, really rips open my soul. I want so badly for this to be a bad dream.

I had hoped she'd be one of those spouses that delays and delays and then just never files. I had hoped we'd have a long term S, but eventually R.

I know that if she comes around to regretting this it will likely be on a different timeline than me, and that I'll likely have moved on. I know there is hope in that, but in this moment I'm just really sad.

I'm so sorry that you've been having a hard time lately, Yail. For the record, it sounds like you are handling it beautifully, all things considered.

Try not to mind read and anticipate what will happen at your meeting. Maybe it would make sense that she serves you, but you don't know that for sure. And if that is what happens, just take the wave as smoothly as possible. D being complete still takes a while and it's not over until it's over and as all the vets say, YOU get to decide when your M is over. You may legally get D but reconcile later. I don't want to give false hope but mentally, it does help not to think of these things as such a "point of no return". Important milestones, yes, but it does not seal your fate indefinitely.


Isn't it crazy how even when it comes to Ds, we want what we don't have?? lol! I honestly can't say which would be easier, being someone who's spouse is delaying and delaying and not filing. It adds a layer of confusion since you don't know if it's cake-eating/laziness or a sign of hope. Sometimes I do wish my H would file so at least I wouldn't have to worry about "deciding" anything and it takes the pressure off of me to determine how long I'm willing to wait, because also you could just be waiting forever and then you would still be moving on at some point and just filing for D yourself. I feel like that's more than likely what will happen to me and even if I've moved on, I feel like I'll still resent it forever if I'm the one who has to file for D because of my H. However, I've actually read that's very common, that the person who files is often not the one who wanted the D to begin with.


I know you don't want to be sad. Don't dwell on it, just let it hang out with you for a bit and see it goodbye when you've had enough of it. Think of things that made you happy as a kid, before you ever had a serious relationship. Sometimes that inspires me and makes me feel better that I can remember a time where I didn't feel such a gaping hole in my life.

(((Yail)))